“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that it too was a gift”- Mary Oliver
“Sanskar Maheshwari now the youngest billionaire” – Times India
“18 under 18” – India News
“Blue eyed boy of Dalal Street is now numero uno in Industry ” – Business Weekly
“Power of Inheritance” – Indian News
“Eye Candy in the making” – Page 3
“One lucky boy” – Finance Today
“Fortune in misfortune” – Finance Weekly
“This’s what we call luck”- Times Today
When we are happy, we tend to ignore certain things, we often close our heart towards the realities of the world, we believe that nothing bad can befall us, we like a fool assume that grief is not meant for us, Our jar of happiness is fireproof. Our happiness is insured for a life time. We don’t wish to imagine a scenario where we could be deprived of our happiness. We believe that none can ever snatch our happily ever afters.
I too, like a fool, used to think same six months back, but now I am wise enough to know that I will never be blessed to feel happiness again in my life. Pain and darkness are my sole companions till my breath decides to show some mercy on me and finally stops. My each breath feels like a curse to me. This hellhole is my destiny. But I can’t even curse God for doing this to me because I am the one who has brought this to himself. I am responsible for this darkness.
I have everything that one thinks can make him happy in this materialist world but everything that makes others think that it can give them peace is making me sick to my guts. All these luxuries are my nightmares, a constant reminder of what I have lost. The loss which I will never be able to recover no matter how much I try, how far I go, how hard I fight.
Why doesn’t God send us with a manual which can tell us how we should cope with grief. This pain is too much for me to endure. I want it to end; I wish to run away from this but I know it better, there is no escape for me from this hollowing feeling. It will chase me down wherever I go. I never had anyone other than them to share my pain, now when they have also left me I don’t know what should I do with this excruciating feeling.
When I saw them wrapped in white clothes waiting for their final departure, I thought that I too would leave the world with them. They were my everything, my friends my supporter, my guide, my inspiration, my life. I always boasted that without them I would never be able to live a single second but now I realised that I was just a pompous liar, I believed that my breaths are attached with their breath, the moment they leave I too will leave but see, still I am taking breath, my soul is still attached to my body, I am still alive.
I feel like the cruellest person in this universe. There won’t be another person in this world who got his parents killed on his birthday. Kill ? Yes, I killed them, I am their murderer. Had I not forced them to come taking that unfortunate flight they might have been alive. I snatched their chance of life from them.
Once this life had given me everything I can ask for but now it has snatched everything from me. Never in life, I thought that I have to see this side of life. How perfect used to be my life but now I don’t know if this life is worth living.
From last 6 months each moment I ask them the same question. why they left me? If I ever wished anything in my life then it was just to have them close to me forever. I don’t know why I got denied with my only wish. Maybe I am the worst person alive in this universe.
I never wished for anything in my life. They were enough for me I never wanted more. I never had a friend, no one ever saw me as a person, for everyone I was just a nerd who should be left alone but I never complained. In fact, I was happy in my bubble. But now when I see people drooling over me, trying to get my friendship I feel sick. All this is because now they know who I am. Those who didn’t know about my first name today know my entire history. This makes me run away from the world. I never wished for thousands of friends or limelight, all I ever wanted was a true person by my side who can be with me just for me. But I have lost that person, now all I can get is plastics and snakes.
Every day I try to find new ways to hate myself and every night to go them to ask what is the reason that they are not taking me with them. From last 6 months my each night spends on the ground where I bid them my last farewell as I don’t know the location where they reside now. I go there each night asking them how much time I have to live before they will call me back. I haven’t got my answer till now but I am hopeful one day they will tell me how much I have to suffer before they will show their mercy on me.
Had it not for the promise they from took me when I was a mere child I would have given up on my life long ago. I still remember, that day my junior high internal result came. Being a bright student I have always been, I hoped that I would get first place as usual. But when I saw my result I was heartbroken as I had never imagined that I would flunk maths exam which was my favourite subject. I was highly disappointed with myself as studies were the only thing that I believed I was good at, and failing on it means I was good for nothing. That day when dad came and asked me how was my result I told him that it was worst and I should kill myself for being so dumb and useless. I am not good enough for anything. That is when he took a promise from me that no matter what the circumstances are I will never think of giving up on my life. This is the biggest reason I am alive today. The other reason is my father’s business which is the source of living for thousands of people, I can’t give up on them. They need me. Till the time I find a worthy successor for the business, I have to live.
Once I read a story titled “दुख का अधिकार” from famous Indian writer Yashpal. It was about a poor old lady who came to sell vegetable instead of mourning her dead son so that she can provide food for her sick daughter in law but instead of seeing her grief and helplessness people taunted her for being so insensitive and cold hearted, saying people like her have no heart to feel anything for them only thing that matters is money. These filthy people don’t know the meaning of relations. When I read that book I was sad that how can people be so insensitive towards someone’s grief. Why no one wants to see the other side of the coin. I felt bad for poor people and felt a bit relieved that I will never have to listen to these taunts.
But now I have realised that it’s not only the poor who don’t have have a right to grieve. From last six months whenever I pick a newspaper or watch a news channel the only thing I get to know that how lucky I am that my parents left so much fortune for me. I should feel blessed as now I am the owner of Maheshwari Empire. They mock my love for my parents. They don’t value sentiment the only thing that matter to them is what they wish to think. None can change their thought and no one immune to their taunts. In her case, it was a disgrace and in my case it’s flattery.
Today too I am going to meet them. So that I can ask them the only question again which is ripping my soul from the day they have left me. Why me? Now that cremation ground is more peaceful for me than my house (Yes, house as it has seized being home long back). Daily, I go there to ask a reason to live or to die. I drive my car to my ultimate destination with a maximum permissible limit so that if any day God shows some mercy on me then I could reach them without breaking their promise.
Today also it is as silent and dark as it has been every other day. With the smell of death lingering on the earth and waves of darkness flowing from the river, it was not the place for a living being. But this place gives me the peace which my shattered soul needs to survive. Here I can feel my parents beside me and I feel that they are giving me the strength to survive the upcoming day.
I have never seen anybody else here at this time, who in his right mind will come to cremation ground at mid night. Today also it’s not different, I can’t see anyone nearby. The only thing that I can see is darkness and solitude.
One day they will answer me, one day they will meet me again, one day they will call me back that is the only hope I have.
Strolling by the river, I didn’t even realise when I walked too far from my original place. I was too engrossed in my thoughts that I hadn’t even seen where I was walking to. That area of the ground was more isolated than the one where I used to sit. I was thinking about my way out when my eyes caught a sight which bewildered me. I saw two people doing something on the ground. It was not a common scene as nobody burns a body in the night as well. There was something fishy, so I called them up from the distance and walked towards them.
As soon as I called them up, they turned towards me to see and then run away like thieves leaving something behind them. I was at a distance and it was dark so I couldn’t even see their faces. I did try to catch them but they were faster than me. After my unsuccessful attempt at catching them, I went back where they were doing something and what I saw left me dumbfounded. Never in my wildest or scariest dreams, I had seen something like this. It was beyond my imagination.