To Swara, With love – 4 shots

PART 1 – SHARMISHTA

My darling Shona,

I remember the day I first saw you. At first, I couldn’t believe that I could finally see my baby. The baby I had waited for years, the sweetheart who grew inside me for nine months, My Shona who made me a mother and who gave me the courage and hope to emerge victorious in the single mother vs society battle.

While time with you was at times nerve wracking (You were a very mischievious girl, Shona), I loved every minute of it. The time you demanded a princess themed birthday party or when you wanted a tattoo on your collar bone, I remember them all. When you stopped a boy from eve teasing our neighbour Ragini, I was so proud of you. I had raised my daughter well. They say that a mother teaches a daughter everything, but no one knows that a mother learns equally from her children.

I always thought that you would ask about your Papa but you never did. You were always perceptive enough to realise that Mumma was both parents for you. I love you for that, My Swara. I couldn’t bear it when you finally reached marriagable age. Your Dida tried to console me so much after leaving for your husband’s house but it was impossible. Both of us were in tears the whole night. But my daughter had chosen well unlike me. I know many people tell that their son in laws have become their sons, but I truly understood what that meant when Sanskaar came everyday just to meet me and spend time with me.

He loves you. He loves me and he is more than just a son to me now. He and Sara are my pillars of support. Why did you leave me beta? I look at Sara and I think, Is it more difficult for a ten year old kid to lose her mother, or is more difficult for a mother to lose the child she’s seen grow up. I’m sure each of us have our own amount of grief within us but how do I ease my grand daughter’s pain when I am not able to believe that my daughter, my Shona left me?

Was it that easy to let go, My dear? You were so young. How could you die in your sleep? How could you be so heartless? You know how sad we were when Dida passed away. Then how did you get the heart to leave me? To leave Sanskaar and Sara? To leave your Mom and Dad? Laksh, Ragini, Uttara, everyone are sad that you’re not with us anymore. You were our jaan, our life.

It hurts just to think that I’ll never see you try and steal rasgullas from the sweetbox again. Who will make sure that I’m eating my tablets? It’s only been two days since you left us, Swara, but I feel like Sanskaar has aged twenty years in your absence. My poor Sara, who we should be comforting, is helping us get past our fears. She wipes our tears and makes sure we drink water and sleep for a while.

Looking at her, I am reminded of you. When you wiped my tears because I missed your Papa. When you sang lullabies to me to make me sleep. You were my angel and I see you in Sara now, My other angel.

I think of the past and it brings a smile to my lips. But then I think of living life without you now and I feel suffocated. There’s no way that I can think of doing that.

But if you are my daughter, I am also your mother.

You taught me courage Shona, And resilience. I will endure this loss. You will always be there in my heart but I will make sure your heart gets past this loss. I will help your Sanskaar and Sara. Sara will help Sanskaar too. I know you are very worried about him. Don’t be. Sharmishta and Sara will help him get over the grief and let him lead a normal albeit melancholy life.

Sara is the best part of you and Sanskaar. Even though you’re gone, You still linger. You’re there in all of our hearts and in your daughter.

I know you can see me write this letter and I know you’ll always be there for me even though I can’t see you anymore. I love you Swara. I always will. Thank you so much for letting me be your mother. Thank you for being born as my child.

Your loving mother,

Sharmishta