SWASAN – SHE’S NOT FOR ME
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Sanskaar tells Swara he loves her
CHAPTER 27
Sanskaar had no memory of the moments that followed her departure. It could have been one minute, it could have been ten. All he knew was that he seemed to wake up when he realized he’d nearly put his fist through the wall.
And yet somehow he barely noticed the pain.
Sanskaar dug his fingernails into his palms, even as his right fist was beginning to swell. Somehow the motion seemed the only way to keep the devil inside at bay, to prevent him from tearing the room apart with his very fingers.
Six years.
He stood there, stock still, with only one thought in his head.
Six blo*dy years.
Sanskaar (in a self loathing voice) : No! No! NO! How could this have happened? How could this… I told her everything.
He’d held this inside for six years, scrupulously kept his feelings off of his face when he watched her, never told a soul.
Six years he’d loved her, and it had all come to this.
He’d laid his heart on the table. He’d practically handed her a knife and asked her to slice it open.
Sanskaar (laughing derisively) : Oh Swara! You were my universe. You were my blade. And… And today you found out exactly how much you can hurt me. Today, I lost everything.
Whoever had said it was a good thing to speak the truth was an ass. Sanskaar would have given anything, both his blo*dy feet, even, to have made this all go away.
But that was the thing about words.
He laughed miserably.
You couldn’t take them back.
Six blo*dy years, all lost in a single moment. All because he’d thought he might actually have the right to feel happy.
He should have known better.
Preet Ki Lath Mohe Aaisi Laagi
Ho Gayi Main Matwaari
Bal Bal Jaaun Apane Piya Ko
He Main Jaaun Vaari Vaari
Mohe Sudh Budh Naa Rahi Tan Mann Ki
Yeh Toh Jaane Duniya Saari
Bebas Aur Laachar Phiru Main
Haari Main Dil Haari
Haari Main Dil Haari
Tere Naam Se Jee Loon
Tere Naam Se Jee Loon
Tere Naam Se Marr Jaaun
Tere Naam Se Marr Jaaun
Teri Jaan Ke Sadke Mein Kuchh Aaisa Kar Jaaun
Tune Kya Kar Dala Marr Gayi Main Mitt Gayi Main
Ho Ji Ha Ji Ho Gayi Main
Teri Deewani Deewani
Teri Deewani Deewani
Tune Kya Kar Dala Marr Gayi Main Mitt Gayi Main
Ho Ji Ha Ji Ho Gayi Main
Teri Deewani Deewani
Teri Deewani Deewani
Sanskaar (falling down to the floor and whispering) : What do I do now, Swara? What do I do with my life? How do I go ahead with it?
He got up after a while and sank into his chair in the room, his head falling into his hands.
Thud!
Sanskaar closed his eyes, his heart clenching painfully. Swara had just gone into her room. For what? Was she leaving? Was she thinking about him?
Sanskaar (standing up) : No! Sanskaar.. You can’t do this anymore. You can’t agonise yourself. Leave! Go out for a while.
He wore his shoes as fast as he could, slammed the bedroom door and ran downstairs lest he meet Swara again.
Sanskaar (shouting) : Sallu! Sallu! Where are my keys? I’m going out.
Sallu (rushing to see him) : Sanskaar bhaiyya. Are you sure? It’s raining outside. You’ll get hurt.
Sanskaar : Sallu! I want my keys. Otherwise, I’ll go out by walk. I don’t have any problem.
Sallu : Sanskaar bhaiyya. Please.. Calm down.
Sanskaar : Sallu! Bas. I’m leaving. I don’t want my keys. Bye.
He stormed out of the house and slammed the door shut before Sallu could tell anything else.
Sallu (calling someone outside) : You! Follow Sanskaar bhaiyya! Make sure he’s safe. The rain is going to continue for a while still. (to himself) What has happened here? I just hope everything turns out fine. Sanskaar bhaiyya and Swara bhabhi ji have to reconcile.
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Thud.
Twice.
She heard it twice.
The first must have been his room. He must have slammed the door shut.
Perhaps the second was the front door.
What perhaps? It surely was the front door. Swara stifled a sob. What right did she have to feel bad when he was the one who was wronged?
What had she done?
Swara : What have I done? What have I done? I… I shouldn’t have done this. I should never have become involved with Sanskaar.
She closed her eyes. Her mind drifted to the first time they had kissed in Kolkata. The first time he had suggested they marry. His soft words that had made her melt. She thought of the way she had stayed with him and slept with him.
She leaned against the door and sagged down, her legs not able to hold her.
She could hear his words echoing in her head : I love the way you complete me. I didn’t want to love you like this…. I don’t want to love you like this. It’s the worst idea in the world that I love you so much. But I can’t stop. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Love was supposed to be such a satisfying, completing feeling. Her brothers were so much in love with their wives. She had been so happy with Laksh.
But Laksh had died. Swara thought she would never be happy again. Content yes… A baby, A husband who would be affectionate. But she hadn’t ever thought about a second chance.
She didn’t think that someone else, no, Anyone else, let alone her best friend could mean so much to her.
Swara : What is he to me? Love comes only once. I don’t love him. I can’t love him.
Ishq Junoon Jab Hadh Se Badh Jaaye
Ishq Junoon Jab Hadh Se Badh Jaaye
Haste Haste Aashiq Suli Chadh Jaaye
Ishq Ka Jaadu Sara Chadha Kara Bole
Ishq Ka Jaadu Sara Chadha Kara Bole
Khoob Laga Lo Pehre Raste Rab Khole
Yahi Ishq Di Marzi Hain
Yahi Rab Di Marzi Hain
Yahi Ishq Di Marzi Hain
Yahi Rab Di Marzi Hain
Tere Bin Jeena Kaisa
Haan Khudgarzi Hai
Tune Kya Kar Dala Marr Gayi Main Mitt Gayi Main
Ho Ji Ha Ji Ho Gayi Main
Teri Deewani Deewani
Teri Deewani Deewani
Teri Deewani Deewani
Teri Deewani Deewani
His words again came to mind : Everytime I saw you… Everytime I see you, it was and it will be like a knife to my chest. But I don’t care about the pain. You are my blade, Swara! A blade, A sword… I hold the hilt of this sword, I press it against my own heart and I will do it forever.
Swara stood up, her hands shaking.
Swara (shouting) : I REFUSE TO BE YOUR BLADE. I refuse to be the source of yor anguish. I… (breaking down) I can’t hurt you Sanskaar. I just can’t.
She opened the door and ran out, not seeing where she was going. She ran out of the gates and suddenly realised that she was walking towards Akashi’s house.
Swara (thinking) : I’ll stay here. I’ll stay here for a while and then tomorrow I’ll pack my things and stay here until I can go somewhere else. Akashi will understand. Sanskaar won’t have to see me anymore. I won’t trouble him anymore. I’m sorry for all the hurt I’ve caused you Sanskaar. I won’t do so anymore.
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THE SAME DAY, ABOUT 9:00pm
Swara tried to be as quiet as possible as she entered Maheshwari Cottage. A smile appeared as she thought of the giant house which was named a mere cottage. She had made so many jokes when she heard the name and Sanksaar and Laksh had laughed for days.
The smile went as quickly as it had appeared. She ran upstairs, not wanting to be caught by Sanskaar or anyone. She had found no comfort in Akashi’s house but at least the thought that Sanskaar might be better without her in the same house made her feel better. Akashi had not asked her anything, instead had given her hot tea and a room to lie down in. Swara was grateful. She had asked Akashi if she could stay there for a couple of days and when she got the affirmative answer, had rushed back home to pack.
She went to her room and locked it. She took her suitcase and laid it on the bed. She then went to her closet and opened it and began packing fast so that she wouldn’t have to think about anything. She noticed the phone on the bed and thought of calling her mother.
Swara (thinking) : What will I tell her though? I’ll go home and see her and tell everything. If I tell now, She’ll worry endlessly.
Sallu’s shout disturbed her thoughts. She looked at the closed door startled, then she heard it again.
Sallu (shouting) : SOMEONE MAKE HOT WATER OR SOUP. SANSKAAR BHAIYA IS SICK. HE IS COMPLETELY DRENCHED. ARRE? GET UP. KOI DOCTOR KO BHULAO.
Swara’s heart stopped cold. She stood still for a moment, then opened the door hurriedly. She ran to the top of the stairs and shouted for Sallu.
Sallu (surprised) : Swara bhabhi ji? When did you come back? I thought you were outside.
Swara (impatiently) : Leave all that. What happened to Sanskaar? Where is he?
Sallu : He’s in his room. He’s shivering and has fever, Bhabhi ji. The doctor has been summoned but it is pouring. I don’t know when the doctor will come.
Swara looked past a window and saw that it was indeed raining. Her heart sinking, she ran to Sanskaar’s room.
Swara : Sanskaar!
She stopped once she saw him. He was tucked under what seemed to be 4 bedsheets, 2 hot water bottles on either side of him and a strong smell of vicks reached her. But Sanskaar’s pale complexion terrified Swara.
Sanskaar (tiredly) : Swara!
Swara stepped forward timidly. She reached him and touched his forehead. It was hot. Sanskaar kept his hand on hers. Swara gasped.
Swara: Your hand.. It’s so cold. (tears in her eyes) What.. What have I done to you?
Sanskaar did not speak but kept looking at her.
Swara (whispering) : This is not dengue, Right? This can’t be dengue right? You just suffered from it two months ago. It won’t come so soon. You can’t have dengue again.
Sanskaar wanted to reassure her but it was too hard to speak. His throat hurt and he felt sore, exactly how he felt when he had had dengue the previous times. He didn’t even want to contemplate the effects of suffering from dengue twice in three months.
Dengue was a very fickle disease. It could kill the first time or the tenth time. Sanskaar wasn’t sure what was going to happen. His eyes closed thinking of these things.
Swara saw that Sanskaar was sleeping and got up, wiping her tears.
Swara : Sallu! Go wait for the doctor. Call him and ask him to come as soon as he can. Go. Also, Get me a water compress for Sanskaar. Open the windows. Sanksaar needs the air even if he’s shivering. The AC will be too harmful.
She sat back down and folded her hands together muttering the prayers her mother had taught her so long ago. The prayers which failed to make sense until now.
Swara (thinking) : Nothing will happen to you. Nothing can happen to you.
Sanskaar remained asleep the whole night, evan after the doctor arrived. The doctor had assured Swara that this wasn’t dengue but Sanskaar had to break out of the fever. Swara wasn’t mollified and continued to stay by his side cooling him when he became hot and covering him when he shivered.
Sanskaar was delirious on and off and kept whispering something. Onle once did Swara hear anything.
Sanskaar : Swara, Don’t leave me. My universe, My blade.
Swara was shaken when she heard that. But she put aside her own emotions and sat by him, watching and praying. By 6 the next morning, The fever had broken and Sanskaar had settled into a restful sleep.
Overwrought, Swara had fallen asleep too, her head on Sanskaar’s torso.
Two hours later, Sanskaar opened his eyes, surprised to discover that it was morning. He blinked a few times, just to verify this fact. The windows were open the curtains were drawn shut, not all the way, and there was a clear streak of light making a stripe along the carpet.
Morning. Well. He must have been really tired.
He tried to sit up, then quickly flopped back down on the covers. Damn, he felt like death. Not the finest metaphor under the circumstances, but he couldn’t think of much else that would adequately describe the ache that permeated his body. He felt exhausted, nearly glued to the sheets. The mere thought of sitting up was enough to make him groan.
Damn, he was miserable.
He touched his forehead, trying to ascertain if he still had a fever, but if his brow was hot, then so was his hand. He couldn’t tell a thing.
He tried to sniff the air around him, but he was so congested that he ended up coughing. He moved slightly to the left trying to find a different spot on the pillow but couldn’t move easily and he soon saw why.
Swara was resting on him, using his abdomen as a pillow as she sat on the chair. A sense of de ja vu filled him as he recalled the last time he had fallen sick with Swara as his nurse.
He looked at her calm features marred by the worry lines on her forehead. He touched them softly aware that he had given them to her.
Sanskaar (trying to whisper but coming out as a hoarse croak) : I’m sorry.
Swara heard the noise and woke up to see Sanskaar looking at her.
Swara (disbelievingly) : You’re awake.
Sanskaar : I am.
Swara : You don’t have dengue.
Sanskaar : I don’t?
He felt his heart lighten. He wasn’t sick after all. Terminally sick anyways.
Swara (tears filling up in her eyes) : You scared me. I thought you were going to leave. I… You…. YOU IDIOT!
Before Sanskaar could say anything, Swara placed her lips on his and kissed him hard. A small fleeting kiss then she withdrew and ran outside, leaving a bewildered Sanskaar staring at the door.
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PRECAP : Swasan united
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Tan Tan Tan… Here you gooo.. Good news for you all…
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Thank you soo much for the birthday wishes.. Will reply in mmai sooon… And will try posting shot 2 soon too :* :*
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