SWASAN: ONLY FOR YOU [EPI-97]
it was time after dinner. the whole day passed so quickly no one knew. why not after all swara was back to home. evening time was the best for the whole day because sanskar’s differences from rashika finally ended and he apologised from others too for keeping himself away from them and all said that they understand. finally after days of miseries and loneliness, happiness has stepped in all their lives. everything was back to its place but still something was missing and sanskar was feeling it. swara was happy but that happiness was not something which used to be with her always. after what all happened it’s difficult for someone to easily forget it but his swara was different. she is someone who can do anything for someone’s happiness. she is the one who doesn’t like to live in past.
it’s swara’s thinking to either set things completely right and if it’s not worth to be mend again then forget it, remove it and move on because life never stops and people has the right to live. she takes stands for everyone but at the same time when it comes for family she will face it boldly and stand for her family and herself. she is selfless but never compromises with her self-respect. she only knows to spread happiness. but she isn’t happy. she isn’t bubbly like she used to be. there are some points in her life, some dreams of her which she couldn’t fulfil but for them too she made new dreams found new ways to complete them and be happy. but now she isn’t happy. she is not herself. she is lost and that is bothering sanskar but he is giving her space and time to say and be free. that’s why till now he hasn’t asked or said something to her in this regard.
not only sanskar but sumi also observed her daughter lost but reason is unknown. she too thought it’s because of what all happened and decided to talk and confront her. after dinner they talked some more time together and then everyone bid adieu and went to their respective homes and rooms.
swara went with kids to their room. swayyam and sanu lied on the bed and swara on one side. sanu was hugging swara and swayyam also turned to her side. swara was talking to them and patting on swayyam’s chest and caressing his hair in between. soon they slept because the whole day they were with swara without taking a minute’s rest even. swara kissed on their forehead and looked at them lovingly while caressing their face and hair. sumi after making ayush sleep came to swara who was with kids.
sumi- they slept.
swara- maa haan just now…. whole day they did not take a small nap too. had to sleep.
sumi- so can i talk to you. whole day passed but we couldn’t talk.
swara- haan maa. why are you saying like that. come sit. [made her sit beside her] i too needed you. maa can i sleep on your lap like before.
sumi- shona you never need to ask. aa jaa[come]
swara kept her head on her lap and felt peace. sumi caressed her hair affectionately.
swara- bahut shukun mil raha hai tumhari god mein maa. [maa i am finding peace in your lap]
sumi- shona you know naa you can share anything with me. i will be with you always.
swara nodded and clutched her hand like a child does when they fear of something.
sumi- koi baath hai kya beta bolo. [is there anything beta you can say] i can see you aren’t happy like u used to be. you are lost, don’t know where. what is that which have occupied you.
swara was silent for some time and again lost in thoughts. sanskar who came with swara’s medicines stood by the door listening them. he thought it’s better not to interrupt but he didn’t even go from there because he wanted to know what’s going on in her mind.
swara- maa i am scared and feeling uneasy. it’s like…..everything seems to be like a dream around…..a beautiful dream which will scatter and that too in such a way that i will lose and i don’t to lose maa. i don’t want to be lost.i feel shattered. the 10-12 days i have been awake after coma was like a worst than the worst nightmare and seeing all happy and smiling faces around scares me. everything scares the hell out me maa. i want to get over it…..i want to forget it….i feel like to run away somewhere far where no one will be there and get myself drowned in a deep slumber but this thought also scares. i don’t know what to do……i am not understanding anything….. i am confused …..i am..i don’t know….why this happened to me maa. i was happy…..life turn such drastic change that everything seems new, every single thing scares and the most that scares is me myself…..
dugging her face in sumi’s lap swara started crying…and she cried hard. sumi too was crying and she let swara cry also to her heart content. she didn’t had words to console her. her daughter was in pain and her words were showing it but she is unable to console her. so she is letting her cry which will reduce her pain. sanskar who was standing at the door was in tears too. he was feeling broken seeing his life in such vulnerable state. he wiped off his tears and slowly came in and sumi who her kept quite as sanskar gestured her. he forwarded the medicines gesturing to give swara and left. he came in his room and stood by the window.
sanskar- [to himself] i can’t see you like this swara. i am feeling guilty for not being able to protect you and prevent you from all that happened. i can’t see you in pain. it is more painful to me. i won’t let you think about all this anymore. i will bring back my princess, my swara back. you will laugh and live like before and not in your fear. from tomorrow new day will start.
after sometime sanskar comes back in kid’s room. swara slept due to medicines effect. sumi was about to leave the room when she stopped seeing sanskar.
sumi- sanskar beta she will need your support and understanding now.
sanskar- i know maa. swara will soon be back like our old swara. you don’t worry.
sumi- i know. good night.
sanskar- good night.
sumi left and sanskar sat beside swara and cupped her face and kissed on her forehead.
sanskar- [to sleeping swara] you came and solved all the problems. everything is set back. but just you are not there even if you are present. from yesterday i wanted to talk to you but you were not so interested or say lost in yourself but don’t worry princess everything will be fine. i will mend everything correct. sleep well. from tomorrow we will start our life from where it came to a halt.
sanskar properly covered all of them with the comforter and himself slept on the sofa.
next day morning sanskar woke up and saw all three of them sleeping. he adored them a lot. when he saw swara waking up he immediately slept but slightly looked at swara. when he saw her up sitting on the bed, he smiled within and started acting. he acted like due to sun rays he is being disturbed and tried moving in different directions making some sounds like being irritated. swara who looked at him [who was pretending]smiled and got up and put the curtains properly to avoid sunlight. she came near him and was about to ruffle his hairs but stopped her hands in the midway. she looked at him and tears fell out of her eyes thinking something. she wiped them off but one tear drop fell on sanskar’s hand. she moved away and went in other room cryingly.
sanskar got up confused and worried. he was registering her every action and then looked at her tear droplet on his hand. he became upset but again determined himself to face the situation for his swara. he moved towards his room and heard her crying sound from bathroom. he got more worried. he slightly knocked on the door.
sanskar- swara…..swara are u there…..swara
swara who was inside the room was startled by his sudden appearance. she quickly washed her face and then opened the door.
swara- [not looking in his eyes] haan sanskar.
sanskar- [held her shoulder] swara you ok. were you crying.
swara- n..o nahi…i wasn’t crying…
sanskar- swara i….. you get ready. [kissed on her forehead affectionately to which she clutched her saree]
swara- [nervously] hmmm…
sanskar looked at her for last time and exited the room. sanskar came and woke up children. swayyam woke up and looked around for swara but she was not there.
swayyam- papa mumma. where is she. [panic]
sanskar- beta she is getting ready in room. you also go and quickly freshen up.
swayyam sighed and ran in washroom hurriedly to get ready so that he can go to swara.
as everyday saniya woke up and demanded sanskar to walk around the house taking her into his arms and asked about swara first. when sanskar was walking around taking saniya in his arms swara came out of the room being ready. she saw sanskar and saniya and smiled. they haven’t changed. sanskar is the best father. his care, love and concern for children is incredible. seeing them both like this gives an unknown happiness and pleasure to her. sanskar has really taken best care for saniya and more than her he has given his time for her as she was weak in initial days after her birth. thinking of the past she feels overwhelmed with his love and care. she unknowingly started moving towards them admiring them but stopped in her tracks realising something which made her to turn around and walk away from there.
all were having breakfast when sumi spoke.
sumi- sanskar shona we are returning kolkata in evening.
swara immediately looked up at her.
swara- [low voice] maa can’t you stay for some days.
sumi understood her sadness and came to her. she kept her hand on her head and caressing it said
sumi- shona i have seen you and you are well that’s what i want and rest sanskar is here naa. no one can take better care of you than her. i will come again in few days but now ayush has school and shekhar has work. it is a week ayush missed his school. but you don’t be disheartened. whenever you wish we will talk and if you will need me you just call me. i will come back. ok
swara nodded understandingly and hugged her emotionally.
sanskar can see that she was sad. he was thinking of how to make her happy. she is even not talking to him in any regard. what shall he do.
the day went by quite fast. swara spent time with ayush and sumi and finally they left for kolkata at 4:00 p.m. as they left swara became highly sad and was sitting on the garden swing while kids were playing there. she was lost yet again. sanskar could not see this. he started singing so that swara could feel better and open up to him.
[KUCH TUM KAHO KUCH HUM KAHE
SUKH DUKH SADA MIL KE SAHE]*2
EK DUJE KO ITNA PYAR DE
YE SAANSE YE JEEVAN VAR DE
NAA KABHI HO JUDAA
UMRA BHAR SAATH ME HUM RAHE
KUCH TUM KAHO KUCH HUM KAHE
[sanskar stood leaning on the pillar and looking at swara sang the lines. he meant each and every word from the bottom of his heart. he wanted her to know that he is with her and they need to share everything to each other]
[MILAN KI RAAT HOO MILAN KI BAAT HO
LABON PE HO HANSI HAANTH ME HAATH HO]*2
HAME JEENA HAI SAB KE VASTE
HAM CHODE NAA SACH KE RASTE
NAA KABHI HO JUDA
UMRA BHAR SAATH ME HUM RAHE
KUCH TUM KAHO KUCH HUMKAHE
SUKH DUKH SADA MIL KE SAHE
[he meant to say her they met each other again and will never separate. they live for everyone as they mean each other’s life. he states that he wants to live with her life-long…. sanskar moves around the swing grabbing swara’s attention while swasanu were listening sanskar with excitement]
[JO APNE KHWAB THE VO PURE HO GAYE
KHUSHI KE RANG ME AAJ HUM KHO GAYE]*2
KOI AANKHON SE DIL MEIN AA GAYA
KHUSBOOWON SE MAN MEHKA GAYA
NAA KABHI HO JUDA
UMRA BHAR SAATH MEIN HUM RAHE
KUCH TUM KAHO KUCH HUM KAHE
SUKH DUKH SADA MIL KE SAHE
[sanskar picked up sanu and twirled her in air making her giggle. and then ruffled swayyam’s hair for which he made faces. sanskar kissed his forehead and continued singing. he came near swara who was by now standing and side hugged her and inhaled her fragrancewhile singing and finally ended the song]
sanskar- swara….
before he could say anything swara jerked him and move inside the house and directly went to there room leaving sanskar extremely confused. kids also were confused.
swayyam- papa why did mumma go in. let me go and call her and will play for some more time.
sanskar- champ mumma needs rest. you both play for some more time and don’t go anywhere. i will see mumma and give her medicines too. play carefully ok.
sanu- papa we didn’t play with mumma. and she is sad too. and when i told her about tina she did not listen too.
sanskar- angel i told naa mumma needs rest. you are my good girl naa so now play with bhaiyuu. and both of you don’t fight. ok.
both nodded and sanskar came in searching swara and saw her sitting on floor keeping her on bed and crying silently. sanskar kept hand on her shoulder to which she abruptly turned jerking his hand. she saw him and wiped her tears stating a sorry.
sanskar sat beside her to which she slightly moved away making him frown confusedly. he held her hand not letting her go farther more. swara looked at sanskar but then averted her gaze.
sanskar- swara i don’t know where to start or what to say. today it’s the third day since we are back together but we didn’t exchanged words other than necessary or can say you never spoke more than yes no or something extremely required. [paused] what’s bothering you swara. i know what happened is not just forgetable and it seems more difficult for you. but swara i am with you. [again paused] why are you running away from me. whenever i try to talk with you sit with you you make distance. like now. are you scared from me. do you not trust me or feel uncomfortable with me. swara say something[swara turned other side and cried covering her mouth with another hand]…. my swara was never like this before. the one i am seeing is running away from everything. why swara why? [sanskar too chocked at the end feeling pain of separation even being with her]
swara- because i am not your swara. [swara said almost in cracking voice making sanskar shocked and confused]
sanskar held her by shoulders— what are you speaking and why are you speaking like this.
swara pushed him away and stood up.
swara- [shouting with tears rolling down her cheeks] i said what you heard sanskar.i said what you heard. i am not your swara anymore. i am not. do you find me your swara. look at me and say how do i resemble to be your swara. neither do i have mangalsutra of your name, nor i have put vermillion of your name. observe me clearly and see that i am carrying nothing which resembles i am yours. i don’t have my pendant too which you gave as a symbol of our love which denoted our togetherness. i have nothing left with me…..see and see properly so that reality hits you and make you understand that i am no more yours.
swara sat down crying hard letting out her pain. sanskar looked at her from top to bottom who was just in her saree with nothing else. no ornaments, no bangles, bindi or makeup. just in her saree which was drapped around her and not like before. she was wearing it in a way not to reveal even an inch of her except her arms. pale and gloomy but does that matter to him. no… he loves her for her heart for her love… and nothing else. these all things can be back to her so why is she bothering so much about ornaments. sanskar feeling something wrong said or rather asked in chocked voice.
sanskar- swara you know that i don’t believe in all those things until you are with me. why are you saying all those…
swara- [not hearing him again started saying] he took away took away everything i had. he ruined everything……
sanskar held her shoulders and asked firmly
sanskar- swara… swara look at me and say clearly what you wanna say.
swara looked at him and said—- sanskar he destroyed everything. why he did this.. why… i never did wrong to him. what he got was his punishment for his deeds. i never intended tohurt him with any actions then why? i loved you truly… is loving someone a mistake…. i was only yours then why couldn’t he get that. why?
sanskar- ssshhh swara he is no more here… don’t think about him anymore. we will live like before…
swara again moving away from him said
swara- no we will not. can’t you see he did not leave me. he has killed me, my soul…everything…. see this [moving her hairs from her neck showing a bite mark and then another one on her arms and on her waist] see this what he did to me…… [shouting while crying] he he ALMOST RAPED ME….ALMOST RAPED ME….SANSKAR…..HE KILLED MY SOUL WITH HIS TORTURES…… [sanskar froze at his place looking at swara and hearing her] HE COULDN’T COMPLETE HIS WORK, HE COULDN’T RAPE ME COMLETELY BUT HIS WORDS AND ACTIONS RUINED ME….AND MY SOUL…..
I WANTED TO RUN AWAY BUT HE TURNED ME LIFELESS. JUST TEN DAYS AND MY LIFE CHANGED….. SANSKAR ONLY IF TWO DAYS BEFORE I COULD ESCAPE OR SUCCESSFUL ON MY FIRST ESCAPE ATTEMPT THEN I WOULD HAVE BEEN YOUR SWARA….. BUT I COULDN’T…. I COULDN’T STOP HIM FROM DONG THIS TO ME…..
Swara- I DISGUST MYSELF……MY BODY WHICH HE TOUCHED…… WHY? WHY DID HE DO THAT. without even ruining me completely he ruined me…aaaahhhhhh i am not fit for you sanskar…..i am not anymore. i couldn’t keep myself untouched by him…..
sanskar- no…he..didn’t….do that….. how…….. [came to swara] swara what ……. [he was not believing his ears]
swara- [in broken voice] the day before you reached he came to the room he kept me to inform that he has arranged for marriage in two days. for that i showed my reluctance and and said that i only love you and he will never accomplish in what he intend to do. he became furious and….
flashback- remember when the swara locked herself in washroom and came out in day and shouted on sahil just a day before the marriage day——
swara- listen sahil leave me and let me go. you will never get me because i will never love anyone else than sanskar. i love only sanskar… ahhhhhhh
sahil was hell furious listening her. he pulled her by hairs and threw her on bed and closed the door. swara was horrified by his actions and tried to run away and lock herself in washroom but before that sahil held her by waist harshly and said in dangerous voice.
sahil- sanskar sanskar sanskar…. when i am here to love you….. to give you a good life then why are you chanting his name. now i am done…. you see what i do to you.
swara- leave me sahil… what are you doing…aahhh leave me…
sahil threw her on bed and came upon her and started kissing her neck wildly making swara shocked and numb and then she cried aloud and begged him to leave her…. she was pushing him but he held her hand tightly and continued and bit on her neck giving unbearable pain. roaming his hand on her body he came down and bit on her waist. swara pushed and was going but he pulled her making her sit on his lap and kissed on her back making her feel disgust…. he was being harsh on her roughly holding her. she freed her one hand and hit him to which he bit on her hand holding it tightly and then twisted it making her cry aloud in pain. swara’s state was miserable and she stamped on his foot hard when she felt him opening her blouse and ran in washroom or better say dragged herself and locked the washroom with all her effort because sahil was trying to open it. locking the door she sat down there crying hard.
from outside the door-
sahil- swara open the door…. huh! leave it….. you know you were amazing….. just too beautiful….. well the work that is unfinished we will soon complete it dear…. i am going to fix the marriage tomorrow itself…. i can’t wait more. it feels so nice to see you beneath me but the real pleasure will be when we will complete the task… swara just today’s night and then i will make you mine. i just can’t wait and have patience to savour your beautiful body… hahaha… i am going but will come soon and i have given you my marks but soon i will mark you completely… till then bye sweetheart.
sahil went from there and swara cried cried and cried all evening and night. sahil again came back in the room in night and swara was still inside washroom sitting lifeless….
sahil came and banged the door to open it or otherwise he will break it. but swara did not open it and so he started hitting on it…
sahil- swara come out now… i just want to give you something and then will go..
swara still did not open the door.
sahil- [angry but smirked] swara now i am leaving you and listen i have kept your bridal dress here so try it..
sahil went from there and swara was awake whole night…
the next morning when she did not open the door sahil broke open the door and dragged fearful swara out and shouted on her and then touched her shoulders and hair inspite of her reluctance and told her that they will have to be ready for marriage as they will get married in an hour or two and went from there.
flashback ends……
swara- he is a beast…he is a bloo*y monster…. he ruined me sanskar…. i am afraid of everything around me…. he is such a jerk… from the day i woke up he always came to room or in one or other way tried to be close to me. i disgust myself because he touched me…. [swara cried more] i am no more fit for you…. he touched me…. he made me dirty…. you go from here…… when you care for me i feel i betrayed you not being able to protect myself…. i feel myself burdening you….please go from here….
swara hugged her knees and cried hard…. sanskar was shocked numb and what not. he was crying silently along with her. he came forward and kept on her shoulder to which she responded by going back in fear…
sanskar removed his hand seeing her fearful and helplessly not knowing what to do moved out of room.
done with this part.