Hello everyone..thank you for your love and support on the previous chapters…this one is long..and so are the other two..but I hope you don’t leave them in the middle…here comes..
CHAPTER-18.
You know what is the most important thing he has given me?
It is the power to express myself. To channelise my pain and love in the right direction. I have started writing. Writing stories or even about random topics. The main thing being: I have found a way out.
He has given me a way to bring out my emotions.
So this is what my plan is about. Letting him know a few things which he is yet to know. My feelings? I guess they are not left much now. I don’t mean that they have died down or something. Its just that the ‘urge’ has gone. It comes back many times, but now time has defeated my desires. So yeah my feelings? I still don’t know if they would be a part of all this. I am yet to figure that out.
I take out the books which would be in his possession soon and as a ritual, I start writing some quotes. The difference being, this time they belong to me. If he is smart enough or let me say, interested enough, he will relate everything. If not then I guess, huh, the list will close down.
I really wish I could get to know his side of story too. Like what’s really going on inside his head. But I guess, not all wishes are fulfilled.
Shravan has changed. A lot. Now even the name sounds weird in my mouth. Its not just me that says so. Every person who was a part of his life three years ago will say so. That charm that had that touch of innocence is now replaced by an attitude that has a touch of cockiness. I dislike this new Shravan that has been formed over the years. I know people change, but not so much that people can’t recognise them. Huh. Old days. They are always the best. Aren’t they? How much ever we try to think that our future would be beautiful and amazing, there’s always a void that can’t be filled. A space that could only be filled in the past. People say that past is for learning. But I say that past is for keeping. For cherishing the memories that could be formed only because there existed a ‘past’.
So yeah, Shravan! ‘ The man of my dreams.’
I have imagined so many times late at night, that what would happen when I would confront him. Confront him about why I couldn’t say a yes or a no. Well there’s another reason. And that is, that I am stupid. One big idiot. I am bad at handling emotions. They do something to me. And specially emotions like his. You know what’s going on with me over the past year. I am literally being haunted! I must admit that I was selfish at the beginning of our so called relationship. I was. And everybody is. Who doesn’t want attention? Who doesn’t like to be flattered?
Well, the thing about me is either I give nothing or I loose everything. And I think love makes people do the latter. I don’t like loosing everything I have got. I know others would say, that you ‘give away’ everything in love but for me it’s loosing. I do not despise love or anything as such. Its just that I feel that any kind of strong emotion, be it love or hatred has the power to burn everything to ashes. If you don’t have control over your feelings, you will loose yourself. And till now, as I have seen, I can hide my feelings but I can’t control them. They posses me and that’s a bad thing.
But I have finally found a way to get out of that control, and that’s by pushing my emotions in a direction I can control. Driving my car, on a road that I know to drive on.
So yeah, so many things said and yet so much so much more is left. Now that I have spent around a year tackling my dreams and answering my question about making a choice a few years back, I think that I have finally found an answer. And that is: Fate is the perfect enemy of change.
What’s destined can’t be changed and what has changed had to be destined.
Time is the undefeated king. Whatever it brings with it, it brings for your own good. At least that’s what people say. And I think I hear myself chuckle as I remind myself, that time is about to change and the games are about to begin. Chuckle again.