Th..this means he… He loves me!! From the day we met!! But… “But what Thapki?? He loves you. He needs you” my heart argued. “Don’t you?”
After keeping the diary on the table and switching off the lights. I threw my head on pillow and while staring on ceiling fan, I can only think about him. “Don’t you love him?” my heart asked again. I don’t know what to answer myself.
“No I don’t…” said I.
“Really!!” my heart wasn’t satisfied with the reply.
“Chuk Chuk gadi” his voice echoed in me.
“Yes I do.” finally I spoke the truth.
“You do!!” I felt a tickle in me. Yes I do.
“Gajab” his smirk flashed before me. I smiled. It was a new feeling arising within me. “Yes I do.” the words were emerging confidence within me. The words wanted to be more loud. I wanted to tell him, I wanted to tell the world about my first love, about my new feeling, about the breeze I was feeling, about the happiness emerging in me. I wanted to tell him that yes, yes Mr. B for Bihaan Pandey, your Chuk Chuk gadi is in love… She’s in love with you!! I love you…. I love you, hugging the pillow more tight. I tried to control my emotions, but can’t.
The phone rang and I rolled my hands all over the bed to find the phone. It was Dhruv’s number. “Hello” I picked up the call. “Hi Thapki are you free today?” he asked. Confusingly I checked my phone. Oh no it’s 9 o’clock of morning. “Hello Thapki” I heard his voice again and placed my phone near my ears. “Sorry… Free for?” I asked. “Today’s Sunday so I thought if you are free we can start our project from today” he said. God I had totally forgotten about it! “Yes sure we can start from today”
“Can you come to my house? Actually….”
“Yes sure I’ll be there soon” I don’t know what he was about to say but I accepted as I wanted to see Bihaan. I wanted to confess my feelings to him.
I was hell confused about what to wear. Well after wasting about an hour on my dress, I’m finally ready.
Damn!! my scooty is punctured!! Hell. But I need to reach their. I want to meet him. Oh.. Thankfully I saw a taxi and without thinking a second I asked for the lift to Pandey Nivas.
I reached his house, the great Pandey Nivas. It is same as before. But this time my intention is else. The servants roaming in to the house to fulfill everyone’s want. Dadi Maa, busy with her mantras. I touched her feet and she blessed me with her valuable words. “Thapki beta… It feels good to see you here” said she. I smiled. “Sevak bring some refreshments for Thapki” Vasu aunty came out of her room. “No aunty it’s totally fine” I smiled touching her feet. She is a sweet lady. And I have seen her unique bonding with Dhruv.. only Dhruv… But I’m here for Bihaan… My Bihaan. “Thapki beta, Dhruv is out of the house for some emergency work of his friend. You can wait in his room until he’s back.” aunty advised and I came back to the reality. Even I want to wait. Umm… Should I ask about Bihaan? No I think it’s a bad idea… “You know where’s his room or should I send Sevak with you?” aunty asked pulling me out of my thoughts. “No aunty… I remember” said I. I want to meet him. So I proceeded upstairs. The beautifully decorated walls, with so many royal photo frames of the Pandey family were the eye catchers. But like the last time… Bihaan isn’t in any of the frames. I proceeded and a beautiful corridor with so many beautiful rooms welcomed me. I was actually getting confused about Dhruv’s room. There were so many big, royal, beautiful rooms, with such an attractive interior.
Then I saw a room. Not so big. Not with any hi-tech interior. But yet beautiful in its own way. A cot, a couch, and a hut shaped sofa chair all with a shade of red. Simply beautiful. My eyes were caught by the photo frames on the wall. Oh… So this is Bihaan’s room!! Well I finally found his photos in this house at least! So I guess this might be his room.
He’s with his grandmother, with his mother, father and other family members. All just faking a smile to anyhow get the picture clicked. I caressed a picture of him with his mother when something fell on the floor. They were some other pieces of papers, like the letter I got of his diary. I grabbed every fallen paper hurriedly and threw it in my bag making sure about no one sees me.
Then I heard something. “Ahh…” a painful moan of Bihaan. I turned to see when I found him coming out of washroom in pajamas, t-shirt, and a towel on his shoulder. He looked so weak, he rolled his fingers in his wet messy hair. He’s mesmerizing me more. Although he’s looking tired but looking hot at the same time. Thankfully he didn’t yet noticed me. He was searching something with his semiconcious eyes and was continuously caressing his arms. I was standing all silently.
Suddenly his tired gaze noticed me in the mirror. He turned to me abruptly. “What are you doing here?” he yelled with his widening eyes. I wasn’t finding words to utter. “Oh!! So you came to spy me!! As you said you are going to proof my crime and blah blah blah….do you remember??” his tone was sarcastic. No Bihaan… Don’t take me wrong. “Bihaan..” all I managed to utter. “Listen… I’m very much irked this time… So better get out of my room” he yelled joining his palms in front of me. I felt a jeark. I know you are not what you are showing to world, you are not what you are pretending to be, you are not what you want me to believe…. You are soft Bihaan… and I’ll make you you realize it one day. I pulled his diary with the letter in it, out of my bag. “You forgot this at the park” I uttered anyhow. His groan decreased when he saw the diary. He grabbed it as fast as he could. “Thanks” said he. “Oh my God!! Thanks by Bihaan Pandey!! Not bad!!” I laughed patting myself. I know it’s his job to make everyone laugh, but today I wanted to do it. I need to wake up the childish Bihaan.
He glared at me but his glare suddenly changed into a loving eye contact. Everything else now stopped at its place. He’s looking into my eyes and I, in his deep tiny ones. I felt the breeze in the air, I felt my heart getting more louder, my breath higher. I noticed his eyes were screaming something, something very dark, something very painful, something very devastating.
“Bihaan… I’m here. See… With you”
“No Thapki… Just go away of me”
“Don’t say that Bihaan”
“I don’t deserve you…”
“You deserve every happiness Bihaan”
“No Thapki…. Let me be on my own”
“What is bothering you Bihaan. Tell me…”
“I can’t Thapki…It will separate us forever”
“I can’t see you shattered anymore”
“And I can’t afford to lose you… Thapki”
“You will always find me with you Bihaan… Just look at me once. Whenever you need me… I’m always here for you”
After our unrecognizable eye conversation, I found some tears in his eyes. Very unnoticeable but I found it, as I was in his eyes at the moment. He removed his eyes blinking continuously to avoid eye contact.
“Why you came here?” he asked. “To return my diary!!” he was sounding excited so I nodded “yes” a big smile on his face was all I was waiting for. Although I got it through a lie but his smile is above of all for me. He was keeping the diary in drawer. “Did you read the diary?” he asked with a tensed but confident tone to listen a ‘no’. What should I say?? “Well I know you didn’t” he was sad but satisfied.
I think I should drop the idea of confessing him about my feelings now. I had broken his trust once thinking him a criminal and now I have to win his trust again. Actually I’m tensed about what if he will again keep conditions after my confession. He will bound himself more. No no… I can’t take a risk to lose his friendship… It’ll break him more.
This time he needs someone to listen him.
Someone to whom he could share his feelings, feelings of his childhood, feelings of his tears, feelings about every shiver he faced.
Someone who could make him love himself.
Someone so close to him, like his diary.
Someone who could make his diaries pages free of pain. Someone to whom he could be frank.
Someone to whom he can laugh wholeheartedly. Someone with whom he can cry his heart out.
Someone with whom he can do mischievous things.
Someone with whom he could be childish.
Someone to whom he could consider a crime partner. Someone to whom he can trust. And most importantly, Someone he could share about his sufferings, about his sobs, about his wounds, and about his mysterious HIM.
I want to be that SOMEONE.
“By the way…. I will soon find about the list of your crimes.” I taunted pushing myself out of my thoughts. I know he’s not what I was wondering… But yet he’ll try to hide about HIM. The more he’ll hide the more I’ll get to know.