Whenever I think that my life is finally on track, I suffer a major setback! Each heartbreak, each pain is more severe than the previous one. A moment of disappointment and it would take me months to heal! I am starting to believe that not any person but heart breaks and disappointments and pain are the only constants I am left with!
*3 years ago*
I was done with my 12th boards. Even the results were out! I had filled out forms for graduation in prestigious colleges. I wanted to pursue direction and cinematography. Life was smooth and on tracks! But something was off. Chetan’s behaviour has been disturbing me for a while now. He was indifferent! I could feel it! My sixth sense never lies. I could blindly follow my instincts! I was to go for college counseling the next day and I wanted to talk to him. I wanted him to wish me luck. I wanted him to motivate me. But he wasn’t contacting me for a while now! I thought to do it. And when I opened my WhatsApp, I find that I have been blocked! I hastily checked other social media platforms! But nowhere, nothing. I was blocked everywhere! No explanations, no reasons, no last message, hell not even a goodbye! And here, I was wishing a good luck from him? 6 years of relationship and in the end nothing!? He didn’t even tell me that he was leaving me! I logged into my mother’s account to check if he blocked me or disabled his account but he had blocked me indeed! That day, something within me broke. I didn’t drop a single tear! I wanted to scream and cry and vent it all out but I had no urge to express myself.
I went for the counselling with my father. They told to keep checking the mail and pay the fees if I am selected within 24 hours else the offer would be closed! And then we returned back home. My parents waited for the result and I just didn’t care. I would speak only when it’s necessary, I wouldn’t talk, I wouldn’t go out, I wouldn’t meet or communicate. I was with me just blankly. Not even thinking anything! On reminder from my parents, I checked my mail. I was shortlisted but the deadline had passed 15 days ago! No other college was accepting admissions. I lied to them that I didn’t got selected but then I didn’t care about anything back then!
Depression is a very scary phase! You don’t know when you fall into that deep dark hollow pit of mental illness. I shiver even after thinking about that phase! I would have died if not for Shree Bhagvad Geeta. I got the idea when I heard my family watching Mahabharata. The philosophies of Madhav can pull you up from any hollow pit! I am born as Shaka Brahmin. Finding Geeta wasn’t tough. I read it. And it brought back my consciousness! Those lessons! I can never forget! They revived me. Things started coming back to track.
*1.5 years ago*
The new place, the new city, the new environment healed me from past pains. The hostel life was a bliss! Once again I had a set of friends on whom I depended emotionally. My family far from home. Four of them! Three having a long term relationship and the fourth being the happy go with the flow girl with a relationship phobia like me! Mention of Chetan still bothered me! Who by the way contacted me a year ago. Apologizing for cowardly act! I just said it’s ok. Not demanding any explainations from him. I wanted to leave him behind and move on. I had already wasted a year on him! I couldn’t waste more of my time. So I decided to be like my happy go lucky friend. Shikha. The other three were Shira, Preesha and Vidhi. Shira’s boyfriend was our friend. He and his cousin were in the same campus but in different department. Ours was the girls college and their’s was the main faculty in campus. His cousin was to have a basketball match and he insisted we go to cheer him. It was inter faculty. We all agreed. There I met this guy from the opposing team. Jersey no. 44. Star player of the university. 6″ 1, six abs, fair complexion rosy lips, maintained stubble and an alpha personality. He was a chick magnet! And I was attracted to him! Throughout the match, I looked at him. And by some miracle, even he looked at me. We had a brief eye contact. And then little brief eye contacts continued throughout the match! Since I decided to act like Shikha, I was going to go with the flow. Be impulsive for once in my life! No regrets, no attachments. Just fun. The opposing team won but I had a good evening! Shira’s boyfriend’s cousin came there. Vishal. His team lost but he scored the most baskets so he won a trophy. And suddenly someone came calling his name. It was him… Jersey no. 44. He congratulated him and praised him. Vishal acknowledged it. He then introduced us all. Viraj Rai, his mentor. He was the player of the match so we had to congratulate him.
“Congrats. You were a star back on court!”
“Thank you Ms.?”
“Shrinika. Shrinika Thakur.”
“It’s a pleasure meeting you Shrinika. Viraj Rai. ”
Never in my life have I had a relationship were things didn’t end abruptly. With Viraj it wasn’t a relationship, it was just a fling for two weeks. After that we had to leave for holi vacations and then somehow Or other we never met again.
*3 months ago*
Shira’s boyfriend Jai was a nice guy but he was highly insecure, manipulative and toxic. My instincts never lie. I misjudged him to be a good person overall. If he feels that someone can knock senses into Shira’s brain, he would cut that person from her life. But he wouldn’t do it directly, he would make her do that! We all knew that but no one never really cared. Untill lately I started realizing change in Shira’s behaviour towards me. She was rude and never gave straight replies to me. I quickly caught what was happening so I was walking around her on eggshells. I didn’t want to loose a good friend for a third person! But then…
“I valued you too much Shri! It was my biggest mistake!”
“Shira what are you saying?”
“You! You manipulate others behind people’s back and pretend to be good in front of the world!”
“Of course. Now you will pretend to be innocent!”
“Please tell me the whole matter and give me a chance to clarify it!”
“Clarify or manipulate? So that you can break my friendship with others? So that you can make me break up with Jai? So that you can pretend to be a great friend?”
“I don’t want to listen to anything you say you lying b*t*h! You are a hypocrite, manipulative b*t*h! ”
I was so shocked that I wanted to cry but tears didn’t come out! I had assumed this to happen before but I never knew it would happen so soon! Shira blindly believes Jai! And she won’t pay heed to anybody in front of him!
That was the last day of our friendship. I stay by myself most of the times now except for night when my roommate Preesha comes. I never made my friends choose sides but Shira never left a chance to do attract their attention whenever they would talk to me. They hurt me more than Shira. Their behaviour was a proof that they partly believed what Shira accused me of! I had no hope from them. Shikha was the only one who would reply back to Shira.
*1 month ago*
Shikha and I were discussing something in the hostel garden. Shira was shouting from the corridor.
“Shikha come! I have to show you something”
“It can wait. I am busy right now!”
“Oh come on! You don’t want to miss it over some stupid discussion!”
“Aren’t you already satisfied with Preesha and Vidhi? Now just because I am talking to Shri right now you want me with you at this very moment! How much more insecure could you be or have you been in bad influence lately?”
Shikha’s bluntness was the most savage of all! She could literally kill with her words! I bit my cheek to stop the chuckle because of the remark she made on Jai! I held her hand to stop her but she ignored me!
“Stop being a pathetic attention seeker! I am with Shri right now I will see whatever you want to show later!”
Shira made a face and went without saying anything. Shikha and I laughed after that not knowing Shira wasn’t about to let this thing go so easily!
*15 days ago*
I walked out of the mess after having dinner. I was used to eat alone for a while now. It was weird in the beginning but not anymore. Shikha would accompany me sometimes when she wouldn’t be on random dates! Today was one of those! I was about to unlock my room when I heard a fellow hostel mate.
“Shri, I heard you have no friends left now? Are you really that manipulative that no one wants to be with you anymore?”
So now Shira was degrading herself to this level! I just smirked and looked back at her.
“Didn’t Shira already tell you that apart from manipulation, I am expert in breaking noses of those people who have habit of interfering in other’s business? Oh! And I mean it literally!”
“Don’t you dare blame me with your filthy mouth!”
Shira was defending herself!
“Blame games and accusations are your expertise. I am no match to you and your insecure manipulative boyfriend!”
“Ooo look who’s speaking now of manipulation! Haven’t you noticed till now that no one stays in your life for forever? I bet they must have seen right through you and your filthy mind and heart and that’s why they leave. Without even saying anything! This is what you deserve for being manipulative yet feigning innocence! Your name means auspicious right? But look how inauspicious you are! You eat up your own relationships thats why even your family doesn’t have good equation with you!”
She touched my weak nerve! I couldn’t take it! I lost all the respect for her!
“I never denied being manipulative! I am manipulative and smart enough to use my skill in right way! You want to see my manipulative skills? I will show you! But didn’t you already know about me? Your fear of being overshadowed by my alpha personality and sharing it with your overinsecure boyfriend has made you like this! Oh wait. I ate my relationships? At least I never killed somebody!”
Shira was shocked and confused. I smirked, it worked.
“Yup. Killed. Sometimes back, your younger cousin was caught having affair and she was being scolded and your grandmother was giving her your example of purity, truthfulness and innocence! She took gangajal in her hand to swear that her granddaughter can never do things like that! My heart goes out to that poor old woman! We all know that we should never lie with gangajal in our hands! It was such an injustice to her that she died shortly after! You didn’t even leave your grandmother who doted so much on you! Shira, you ate your own grandmother! So there’s something wrong with me or you?”
Eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth! That’s what I believe in and I did that today. It shook her to the core. She was tearful, stuttering and struggling to speak.
“If I were to manipulate you, you wouldn’t even know! That’s the level of my manipulation! Fourteen years I lived in a joint family growing up with my aunt who was the master of evil manipulations! You didn’t even considered your grandmother’s long history of illness which caused her death when I said those things to you! That’s the level of my manipulation! It changes your whole belief system! It’s a lesson for you and your stupid boyfriend! Never ever mess with me again!”
I shut all my emotions from that day. Successfully. People were actually conscious around me now. I liked that for some reasons! Except for Shikha! World can change but not her! At times her morals are really questionable but then its her life! And she was the only one who genuinely talked to me. Not just for formality like my own roommate! And it is because of her that I am in this situation today! If I didn’t agree to accompany her the previous evening, I wouldn’t have been having this thing in my hand! A little bit of action and I ended up with this in my hand!
On thinking about it more it wasn’t really a bad thing… It’s kind of cool but will I be able to handle it? But Mahadev must have had a plan in his mind for me
that’s why he presented me with this opportunity. I shouldn’t waste it.
And with that thought and filled up the form with new determination. The beginning of new phase in my life….
To be continued