Love is bliss and sometimes intolerable pain. When you don’t realize what you feel then it becomes worse. And you don’t express what you feel it will be worse too. Sometimes the fear of refusal makes us take decisions to keep our feelings for ourselves. And sometimes the realization at the wrong times hurts more.
Ragini wasn’t still clear if what she saw in Sanskar’s eyes today was meant something. She surely saw his pain but she was indecisive whether it was because he had something for her. His action on that night while he pushed her away had the deep impact not letting her to give a chance to her feelings.
On the other hand Sanskar was unaware what was he feeling. He liked being around Ragini. He liked making her smile. He liked standing beside her when she was left broken. He liked to keep her safe from everything and everyone. But why was he feeling weird to see her with someone else. Though he knew the person can keep her happy and safe for all her life.
For a second also his mind did not register that this might be beyond friendship. It might mean something special. No butterflies but only flames inside his heart made it more difficult for him to decipher what he really felt right now. Why did he hurt Ragini so badly when it was not her fault. Why was he even expecting her to inform him all this. What was he to her? A mere friend. If so then why was his heart hurting?
Just questions were oscillating in his mind and they were just making him mad every second that passed.
He was sitting in between the mess. Pillows were scattered and bed covers were removed off. And sweat covering his face and his eyes staring in the blank.
Why the hell is it paining this badly to me?’ he caressed his chest. Unsure unclear.
He heard a knock and after many of repeated knocks he blinked his eyes when his ear drums made the contact with the nerves of his brain and registered the sound.
He wiped his face taking a deep breath. “Um.., coming” he spoke gulping the saliva and reverting the voice box to normal.
Without bothering about the mess which was on his way he opened the door and put his head out. “Laksh?” he asked and Laksh who was looking around faced him and gave a small smile.
“Bhai I just came to talk to you” he tried pushing the door but Sanskar resisted. “Give me some time. I will meet you in terrace” he just walked inside his room and closed the door behind before Laksh could say anything.
He pushed the bed sheet back on the bed and scattered the pillows over it. He arranged his table back not neatly but at least it did not looked messed up. He walked to his washroom and cleaned his face for the sweat and those tears behind the sweat.
After getting a better look over his face he walked to the terrace leaving behind the cell phone in his room.
Laksh was walking from one end to another waiting for Sanskar.
“Laksh” he grabbed his brother’s attention. “Bhai whatever happened…” before he could say further Sanskar showed him his palm to stop.
“I have moved on Laksh. You better do that too. Whatever happened sure it shouldn’t have happened but then you know my self respect has to pay its price always. And now I don’t complain either. So leave the past and live in the present” he turned to walk.
“Bhai” Laksh’s voice had the concern. “You’re alright?” he asked just to get some peace for his restless mind. Sanskar did not turn. He just closed his eyes and folded his lips.
“I am” he cut that in short and walked to his room. Laksh felt something was not right with Sanskar. May be it was because he had to return to Maheshwari Mansion where half of the people were not pleased with his presence.
Sujatha looked at her son who was dragging the spoon in the plate with his band aid clad hand showing his lack of interest to have the food.
“Sanskar beta how is Gajar ka halwa?” she asked dragging his attention. “Awesome mom” he smiled at his mom with sparkling eyes.
“But where is Gajar ka halwa?” Uttara asked scanning the dining table. “In your dreams” Laksh teased her and she cried like a small kid. Sanskar understood his mother’s intentions and lowered his head.
As he closed the door of his room he leaned back on it. His face was looking up over the ceiling searching something. His pain on his hand reminded him how rudely he behaved with Ragini in the file room.
Her painful face flashed again and again. And it made his heart ache more worst.
Why is he having these complicated feelings suddenly. He forgot for what purpose he had come here for. He forgot every other emotion right now.
“Sanskar” he heard his mother’s voice. He was confused. Then he opened the door and looked at his mother.
“Now I can’t come inside my son’s room?” asked she and Sanskar moved back making way for her to enter the room.
She sat on the bed and signed him to place his head on her lap. She caressed his hair and he felt a bit okay. Though not completely peaceful.
“Sanskar…” “Maa please” he said guessing his mother’s query. “I just need my time” he said with closed eyes. “Okay” she said softly and continued stroking his hair.
She hummed some tune which relaxed him more this time and he was drifting to sleep slowly.
***.***
“What do you think you are doing?” Sanskar asked annoyed looking at Ragini who was balancing herself on a rope and there was a deep valley below the place she was standing.
She smiled at him. “Me? I’m trying to balance my life” she said and continued walking. “And you think this is gonna help?” he crossed his arms.
“Why do you…. even.. c…care?” she continued looking at her legs then biting her lips.
“You know you are crazy?” he gave her a pointed look. “And it’s none of your blo*dy business alright. I walk, I hang, I succeed, I fall. You are not the one who is responsible for it. So just chill” she said showing her palm.
He rolled his eyes taking a deep sigh. “You show attitudes at very wrong time girl” he said and Ragini just did not listened to him.
“Are you even listening to me?” he asked annoyed and she did not liten.
“Rudr” she smiled widely looking at the other end of the rope. She started running.
“Ragini stop. You will fall. Stop” he screamed. But she did not hear him and continued running. She slipped and hung on the rope.
“Ragini….” he screamed. He woke up from the nightmare with a jerk. It was morning. He did not realize when his mom left him in his room while he was sleeping.
He panted for breath. Suddenly his heart jumped to the highest peak. He caressed his face and tried relaxing his fast beating heart.
He searched for his phone to check the time. And while doing so he saw two missed calls. And the name surely did scare him. What if the nightmare was just indicating something bad in reality.
He dialed the number but it went unanswered. He pushed the quilt and hopped out of the bed to get himself ready.
He drove the car in a hurry and parked it outside Badi in just 15 minutes. He rushed inside and looked around for Ragini.
Ragini who strode down the stairs made him relax. He took deep breaths and looked at her. Before he could speak Dadi came to the hall.
“Hey maara Thakur Ji. You sure came to this world to give me heart attack don’t you?” he turned to face Dadi who was standing surprised holding the arthi thal as she least expected Sanskar to be there at this time.
He looked at her lost. “Lado” Dadi walked to Ragini and gave her the prasad and Ragini took her Dadi’s blessings.
Sumi came out with Ragini’s tiffin box and water bottle and handed to her. As she turned smiling she found Sanskar who was still looking like a lost puppy.
“Sanskar?” she asked surprised. “Wo…” he was again interrupted. “Maa actually I wanted to visit Sujatha aunty who told me she will send Sanskar” Ragini smiled at Sumi. Sumi was a bit dubious over the things. But she brushed her thoughts and walked back to the kitchen.
“Dekh chore. Don’t make my grand daughter work more she will have dark circles. Then I will tie her to you only if her groom rejects” Dadi chuckled. “Dadi” Ragini complained and she looked at Sanskar embarrassed who just avoided direct eye contact.
But there had been a spark due to Dadi’s words. A new kind of hope though he knew he was forbidden to have any such hopes.
They walked out of the home and reached Sanskar’s car.
“Why are you here?” asked Ragini standing at the car door. “Get inside” he commanded. “I won’t unless you tell” she stood crossing her arms.
“If you don’t want me to bang you inside the car by lifting you and create a scene here do as I say” he wore his shades and settled inside the car.
Ragini twitched her jaws annoyed. She opened the car door and sat inside and closed the door with the thud frustrated.
“Ajeeb hai yaar. Like you call me at that time of the night and you expect me not to panic?” he looked at her.
“Oh you were panicked?” she mocked him. “Then why didn’t I see the panic call back” she smiled at him sarcastically.
“Because I saw my cellphone in the morning” he said adjusting his shades and looking front.
He ignited the engine and started the car. “Really?” Ragini raised her one eye brow.
“Or say it on my face that you were avoiding me” she shrugged her shoulders. “You hurt me and then you avoid me. I’m a toy right” she spoke with a hurt.
“I’m sorry okay for whatever happened yesterday. I did not intend to do that. I don’t even know why I behaved so rudely” he showed his one hand concentrating on driving.
“Yeah right it was more inhuman than just rude” she wiped her face. “Are you crying Ragini?” he asked worried looking at her.
“Why do you even care” she turned her face to the glass looking outside and it pained Sanskar.
What are you doing to me girl. I simply can’t hold this confusion’ he spoke in his mind.
“Okay I agree it was inhuman and I really shouldn’t have done it. But you should have told me about it right?” he tried reasoning.
“Remember the call I made you just the day before and you disconnected the phone on my face. You never gave me a chance” she said still not turning.
“I…” he remembered the conversation and hit on the steering wheel. “Ouch” he winced in pain while the wound hurt.
“Sanskar” Ragini immediately turned worried and looked at his hand.
He parked the car in the office building. Ragini dragged his hand and looked at the wound.
“Why is that you keep hurting yourself?” she asked still gazing at the wound.
He took his hand back and she looked into his eyes.
Those eyes had pain. And it was the kind of pain which pinched Ragini’s heart and she could not tolerate it.
“Why do you care?” he asked her that question. If she was in her right senses then she would have told him the truth. But she wasn’t.
He untied his seat belt and walked out. Ragini got down from the car and Sanskar walked from there locking the car.
Only if I could explain you’ she closed her eyes while he walked.
His stiff face turned painful and eye brows narrowed with pain.
Pyar Humko bhi hai pyar tumko bhi hai tho yeh kya silsile hogaye.
Bewafa hum nahi bewafa tum nahi tho kyu itne gile hogaye
Chalte chalte kaise yeh fasle hogaye….
Kya Patha Kaha hum chale….
Rahe jo badli tho tumhi bata do
Chalte chalte gum kaha kafile khogaye.

****.****
So how was it?
I hope it’s not boring.
Drop your comments and hit the stars.
Happy Gauri Festival.
Love,
Sally ?