Urge to want him!!
Swara’s pov started.,
Three years of university had passed by so quickly, that it was coming to an end.
Sanskar wasn’t much of a playboy like he used to be before, but he still had his moments.
His drinking calmed down, but when he seemed too stressed, he used to go.
I didn’t know what was going through his mind.
Sanskar locked everything away, built a wall around him, and never let anyone in.
Still, I wanted to climb over the wall and enter his world, and he knew that too.
I wanted him to speak to me, to rely on me, even just as a friend.
But Sanskar wouldn’t even let me be that.
Still, I didn’t give up on him.
I decided that I would never let him feel lonely, physically or emotionally.
I would always be by his side, and I would follow him no matter where he went.
A small time came, when my Poppy was in hospital, a couple of weeks before the last day of his university life.
I didn’t want to leave Sanskar, but my Poppy had a car accident, and he needed his family around him, including me.
I had to go home for a week, just seven days.
Then I would be with Sanskar again.
I wanted to tell Sanskar, but my Mommy had called me at three in the morning and so I didn’t want to disturb Sanskar’s sleep.
I wrote him a letter, explaining where and why I would be gone for seven days.
I knew he wouldn’t be bothered, I didn’t mean anything to him.
But I still did it anyway, for my own satisfaction.
After I wrote the letter, I slipped it into his letter box which I knew he checked every day these days…he was waiting to hear from some companies he applied at for a job.
I then went home, and was away for the seven days which felt like eternity to me.
I sent him text messages every day, one first thing in the morning, and one before I fell asleep at night.
Day after day, I never received a reply.
Something I expected.
Sanskar didn’t need me, he didn’t want me.
So why would he text me…??
My Poppy was making a fast recovery, he would be home soon.
Doctors were very pleased with his progress.
The fifth day, after I came home from the hospital at nine, I was tired like every night.
Exhaustion had started to get the better of me, my exhaustion was more of the stress because I couldn’t stop thinking and worrying about Sanskar and my Poppy.
Sanskar didn’t need me, but I needed to see him…to see if he was okay.
Still, I comforted myself, only forty-eight hours to go.
So when I lay on my bed, and sent a text to him saying,
‘Hi Sanskar, my Poppy’s getting better. There’s only two days left, can’t wait to see you. Hope you’re okay. Text when you can. – Swara’.
I put my Mobzi on the bedside table, sighed and closed my eyes, readying for the sleep to take over.
All of a sudden I heard a beep from my Mobzi.
My eyes shot open, it wasn’t him, and it couldn’t be.
I quickly sat up, and snatched the Mobzi from my table,
The screen was saying,
‘1 new message’.
I quickly unlocked it and tapped on the popup to view the message.
‘I NEED YOU..!! – Sanskar’
That was the first ever time he sent me a text.
The words which I longed for were written in plain text.
I felt so happy, I couldn’t believe it.
I blinked harshly, just to make sure I wasn’t seeing things.
I wasn’t, Sanskar really did write that.
I didn’t waste time.
I quickly stood up and got dressed.
I remembered the bus timetable.
If I ran I could make it in time for the last bus to Delhi.
I told my Mommy I had to go, and ran out with my jacket, Mobzi and cash in hand.
I ran all the way to the bus station.
It didn’t take me long, the station wasn’t too far away, it only took me ten minutes, and I made it just in time.
I got on the bus and sat at one of the front seats, the closer to the doors of the bus I was, the faster I could get to Sanskar.
I looked at my Mobzi for the time, it read 21:55, and I would be with him in two hours.
Two days which turned to two hours, but the two hours felt like two days.
I wanted to tell the driver to drive faster, but I actually wanted to make it to Sanskar alive.
I opened my inbox and read the text he had sent me over and over,
‘I NEED YOU..!!’.
I hugged my Mobzi to my chest, and waited impatiently to finally meet him after five procrastinated days.
Eventually, the bus arrived to Delhi.
I quickly thanked the bus driver and ran as fast as my feet could take me, all the way to Sanskar’s flat.
Once his building came into my view, I felt adrenaline rush through my veins and ran as fast as the speed of light, which I knew was physically impossible.
Before I knew it, I was panting outside his door.
I bent forward to catch my breath, once my breathing started to reach a more normal rate.
I stood up straight and knocked at his door.
I waited thirty seconds – yes I counted – and knocked again.
I couldn’t hear any movement inside and began to frown.
I looked at my Mobzi to see it was just after midnight, he couldn’t be asleep, could he…??
I heard his voice…the tone I had memorized in my mind the day I first saw him.
I looked to my right, standing a few feet away was the love of my life.
Sanskar had a loose white top on, with jogging pants and trainers.
His hair was the same messy style like I first saw him, and he was carrying a Tesco carrier bag.
My frown became a massive grin, and I wanted to run to him and hug him, but I remembered the kiss scene and didn’t want to repeat the same mistake.
His expression was half confused and half surprised.
“What are you doing here…??” I asked him, still slightly out of breath.
“I think I should be asking you that question,” Sanskar said and started to make his way towards me.
Sanskar pulled out his key, opened the door and let me in.
“You replied to my text,” I pulled my Mobzi out and shoved towards him in harsh movements, the screen almost touching his face.
Sanskar stumbled back a little.
Sanskar sighed and pushed my Mobzi back to me.
Sanskar put his bag down on the table and went to the kitchen.
Sanskar came back with a glass of water and offered it to me.
I was surprised, he had never done anything like this before, but only I knew how much I ran so I accepted the glass and gulped it down.
Sanskar sat on the sofa and motioned me to sit next to him, which I complied to with no hesitation.
“I didn’t send you that text,” Sanskar said suddenly, closing his eyes as he leaned his head back.
Gosh was he hot…!! If I could, I would fall in love with him all over again.
He really was handsome…he was perfect in every single way.
“What do you mean…??” I asked, putting the glass on the table.
I was confused…of course he sent me that message, why was he denying it…??
“I didn’t send you that text,” Sanskar repeated, and looked into my eyes with his captivating browny ones.
“A friend of mine did, once he read what you sent.”
“Ohh,” I laughed nervously, feeling myself flush in embarrassment.
How could I have been so stupid?
Of course he didn’t send me that text, why would Sanskar send me that text?
Why would he send me those words? Sanskar has never needed me.
It’s always been the other way round.
How could I put him in such an awkward position?
I was being ridiculous.
I was so into Sanskar only…!!
I hadn’t realized what I had become, an obsessive stalker.
All of a sudden, from the day I met Sanskar, to me now, flashed through my sight.
What was I doing?
How much discomfort had I put him into?
Why had I done this to him, to myself?
I was such a pathetic loser, a love-sick girl who didn’t even understand the feelings of the guy she loves.
I was so selfish, so self-centered.
I even stressed out my friends and family, all because I fell in love.
But I fell in love.
I loved Sanskar so much…!!
As the painful reality hit my like a tornado bursting through every horizon at sight, the tears started to flow one by one.
And then I was crying so hard, crying in front of Sanskar.
It was such a sore, pathetic sight, and the last thing I wanted was to make him uncomfortable.
I kept apologizing as I kept sobbing.
Sanskar was so kind to me, always so patient with me, and I was such a pain to him.
I felt his arms spread around me, holding me tightly, and the touch which I had wanted for, for so long, he was probably giving me out of pity.
Sanskar tried to calm me down, but it didn’t work.
So he stopped saying anything, and held me until I was done.
There was silence after I had my rainy season, Sanskar didn’t say anything, and for the first time I too was lost for words.
But I knew I had to say something, this tension was killing me.
I missed him, and now I was with him.
I had to say something, so I started off with what seemed to be the most suitable thing.
“I’m sorry,” I looked into his eyes.
Sanskar looked back, slightly surprised and confused.
“I know I’ve been such a pain, and I’ve stalked you, and never considered your feelings, all because I only cared about my feelings for you. I love you, I really do, and I vowed to myself that I would never give up on you until you told me to leave you forever. I guess I should have said that from the beginning, but I’m hopelessly in love with you. And I don’t know what to do anymore, that’s why I follow you all the time everywhere. I’m sorry, for everything…for that kiss, for bugging you so much, for coming here uninvited. I’m really sorry Sanskar…!!”
Sanskar was quiet for several minutes.
Sanskar didn’t know what to say, but I decided to wait for him, and I would wait for him forever.
“Even though I wasn’t the one to write the text, it doesn’t mean that I didn’t feel what was written in it,” Sanskar spoke, his eyes looking at the table in front of us.
I took in a sharp breath.
I couldn’t believe what he said.
“I don’t know how deep my feelings are, or whether it’s just an infatuation, but I know I must feel something for you. While you were never in front of me when I was with Kavita, you were every now and then on the back of my mind. Every once in a while, I used to see you looking, and it used to bring a smile to my face. Then after Kavita left, I felt lonely like before. But you were there every night, no matter how much I tried to push you away. And it used to do my head in. Even then, I knew I didn’t feel anything like that for you, so it bugged me that you felt that way for me. It was annoying, frustrating, why you affected me like that. I felt guilty for making you sad. I hated it.”
Sanskar ran his fingers through his hair, and then he turned to look at me, his browny eyes in anguish.
“My parents divorced when I was just a kid, and I saw how much it affected them, especially my dad. How it killed him. It’s stupid, I know, for that to mess me up, to make my life dysfunctional, but I didn’t care. I decided to never become serious with any girl. Then Kavita came along, and I realized how much I wanted her. How perfect she was. And I thought I fell for her, but that was just a feeling I longed for since my dad died. For someone to put me first, care for me the most, to love me the most. I knew that girl was already there, I knew it was you, but I just didn’t want to accept you. And then, when Kavita left me, I realized I would always be alone. But you proved me wrong, you kept your word, and you came back to me.”
Sanskar turned his body to face me.
His eyes became gentle, and he cupped my cheek in his hand.
I leaned into his warm touch, and Sanskar wiped a tear from my cheek with his thumb that I didn’t realize had flowed down.
I was lost for words.
“You were gone for five days,” Sanskar whispered softly, leaning forward so I could feel his breath on me.
“I didn’t like it. I missed you, I wanted you. I needed you Swara…!!”
And then he kissed me.
He kissed my forehead, my left cheek, then my right, my nose, and then finally my lips.
I had frozen.
I didn’t know how to respond, so I closed my eyes and let him kiss me.
My body felt as though it was on fire, there was numbness and electricity running through my veins at the same time.
My heart was pounding against my chest, the loud thudding perpetrating my ears.
I was almost sure Sanskar could hear it.
I was so happy, so in shock, it felt as though my brain wouldn’t process anything any time soon.
Sanskar was kissing me, he told me he needed me, he wanted me.
I felt as though I was dreaming, I must have been.
But I still didn’t want to give up on this dream-like reality.
I was finally getting through to him.
Sanskar was finally letting me in!
As he pulled away, I was hesitant to open my eyes, I was unsure of what his reaction would be.
Nevertheless, I slowly lifted my eye lids, and saw Sanskar looking at me with his gentle browny eyes.
I gave him the smile I had given him time and time again.
His soft lips formed a small smile of its’ own.
I hesitantly reached out my hand to hold his.
I didn’t want him to flinch away like he had done before.
So when I slipped my fingers through his, without him pulling his hand away like he always did, imagine the rainbow bursting in my heart.
“Were you serious?” I asked him gently.
I was so far in love.
I didn’t want him to say it to me just for my sake. “I mean, you aren’t doing this just because you feel as though you have to do it or anything right?” My voice cracked at the end, I just needed to be sure.
Sanskar squeezed my hand in what I thought was assurance, and nodded his head, gently placing his forehead against mine.
“I LOVE YOU…!!,” I said to him, putting all my emotions into those three words.
I let his hand go and wrapped my arms around his neck, hugging him tightly.
Sanskar put his arms around my waist, and gently began to stroke my hair.
Sanskar then pulled me closer, and I didn’t want him to let me go.
“I love you so much.” I confessed again with not getting satisfaction by saying these three magical words just even once.
“I know.” Sanskar could able to reply with gathering his all expressive tones in his words,
Then days went by, and I once again became Sanskar’s girlfriend but this time more than just a one week girlfriend.
Sanskar took time, but he slowly opened up to me.
Having him like this made me feel like I was more than alive, like I could do anything in the world, like I was invincible!
I loved him so much and I told him that every day.
Sanskar would either reply the usual ‘I KNOW’ or just nod his head and continued with whatever he was doing.
I didn’t mind though, as long as he was there with me, and not with some random girl who he had absolute no feelings for.
My Poppy came home, he had to use a walking stick because of his injuries, but he was fast in recovery.
My parents were happy for me when I told them about Sanskar, and when I introduced them to each other, I didn’t know who was more nervous them or I.
And then Sanskar’s graduation day came by.
I of course, attended his graduation ceremony, as did Sanskar’s mum.
Sanskar’s mum was a nice lady, a bit strict, yet you could tell she loved Sanskar a lot.
Sanskar didn’t speak about her much though, but he did tell me that the reason for his parents’ divorce was Sanskar’s mum’s current husband.
I never touched that topic in front of him.
Sanskar would open up to me in his own time.
At Sanskar’s graduation party, I was sitting down and talking to a couple of his friends, the same ones who had sat on the table on our first meeting.
I couldn’t believe I was Sanskar’s girlfriend, and apparently neither could they.
After taking a sip from my drink, I looked up to see Sanskar walking towards me.
“Hi,” I smiled at him.
“Hello Swara…!!” Sanskar said back with an enchanting, colorful smile.
Sanskar then pointed at the chair which Random guy – the same random guy I pushed off – was sitting on.
“May I?” I became confused but nodded nevertheless.
All of a sudden, Sanskar pushed Random guy off the chair and sat on it himself, leaning towards me, staring at me with his gorgeous browny eyes.
“Hey! Seriously…??!” Random guy shouted.
But we both ignored him.
I was too lost in Sanskar’s eyes.
“I think you’re beautiful like Shraddha Kapoor, hot like Deepika Padukon, with the voice of Shreya Ghoshal, and I think…no it’s not unsure fact…it’s true that I’m in love with you,” Sanskar grinned.
I giggled, remembering our first meeting.
It then hit me.
Sanskar just told he liked me for the first time! I was so happy I couldn’t believe my luck! I knew it.
I knew if I waited patiently, he would see me.
Sanskar would notice I was there, how I always been, and how I always will be.
“Yes Swara, I love you a lot…!!”
I leaned forward to kiss his lips, and he kissed me back.
I pulled away and looked in those beautiful browny eyes of his.
“I love you too Sanskar…!!”
Sanskar chuckled and answered me back with unexpected words replacing his daily ‘I know’ with,
“I love you more Swara and I mean it…!!”
With listening which I waited too long, I became uncontrollable with my all happiness and I couldn’t help but hug him with hearing his heartbeats which are beating for me only.
Sanskar tightened his grip on me and reciprocated my hug with passion.
I closed my eyes to let feel this moment whole heartened.
Swara’s pov ended.