SWASAN – SHE’S NOT FOR ME
Heyy, It’s Anjali back with the next chapter!!!
Thnxx for comments and to my silent readers….
ALL CHAPTER LINKS :
CHAPTER 19 LINK :
Sanskaar kisses Swara, They are stuck in an outhouse
As she felt his lips touch hers, Swara could only wonder at the loss of her sanity. Once again, Sanskaar had asked her permission. Once again, he had given her the opportunity to slide away, to reject him and keep herself at a safe distance.
But once again, her mind had been completely enslaved by her body, and she simply was not strong enough to deny the quickening of her breath, or the pounding of her heart.
Swara (softly) : Sanskaar!
They both knew that her plea was not one of rejection. She wasn’t asking him to stop—she was begging him to continue.
Sanskaar moved from her lips and slowly traced the path to her left ear, then moved to her right one. He pulled her towards him, but not being unbalanced, he hit the floor, Swara on top of him.
Sanskaar pushed a strand of her hair away from her face and looked at her.
Sanskaar : Do you want me to kiss you more, Swara?
Swara turned, causing his lips to slide along her cheek. He drew back so he could see her face again and Swara saw the anticipation in his eyes.
Did she want to do this?
She knew now that if she got up now, it would be safest for her and her sanity. She knew that if she kissed him again, if she felt his touch again, she would not resist the whole of him.
She wouldn’t stop until they went the whole way.
This was where she could stop, Swara reminded herself. She could end it here. Sanskaar wanted her— badly. But he would stop if she just said the word.
But she couldn’t. No matter how hard her brain argued for reason and clarity, her lips could do nothing but sway toward his, leaning in for a kiss, desperate to prolong the contact.
She wanted this. She wanted him. And even though she knew it was wrong, she was too wicked to stop.
She pressed his lips on his, surprising both of them with her actions but they were too filled with desire to care. Swara’s hands traced his chest as she kissed him. Soon, Sanskaar’s lips left hers and they rolled over, Sanskaar on top of Swara now.
Sanskaar (whispering) : Do you want to do this, Swara? This is the last of my willpower. I won’t be able to resist after this. Shall I stop?
Swara closed her eyes. She could say yes. She could ask him to stop. She opened her eyes and saw Sanskaar and all thoughts vanished.
Swara (whispering) : Don’t stop. Don’t go. Just…. Just be with me.
Sanskaar smiled at that and got up. He carried Swara over to the bed that was present in the room. He moved his hands to her hips and began inching Swara’s shirt upwards, all the while leaving a burning feeling on her waist.
She moaned and began unbuttoning his shirt. His fingers kept busy with the buttons on her shirt, and even though the fabric was still damp and awkward, he divested her of it in record time, leaving her exposed to him soon.
Sanskaar (looking at her and stammering) : You… You’re so beautiful. I can’t—I don’t—
He didn’t say anything more, which she found puzzling, and she looked at his face. These weren’t just words to him, she realized with a jolt of surprise. His throat was working with some emotion she didn’t think she’d ever seen on him before.
Swara’s eyes misted at that. At least she was not the only one feeling something here. Sanskaar seemed equally captivated by her.
Swara : Sanskaar?
He didn’t answer. He looked at her eyes. Finally, he lowered himself to her ear again.
Sanskaar (tracing her cheek gently) : Let me tell you what I want to do to you. I want to feel your inner core. I want to know you completely, I want you to be with me. I want to pleasure you, I want to kiss you. I want you Swara, more than I’ve ever wanted anyone.
Swara’s eyes widened. She couldn’t see him but she wondered at his words.
Sanskaar (whispering) : Can I, Swara? I need a final yes.
Swara (closing her eyes) : Yes!
She could feel Sanskaar’s pleasure at her answer. She didn’t know how because she couldn’t see him. But she could feel it.
Sanskaar : Then I had better get to doing everything I talked about.
And he did. He sank to his knees and he kissed her. He kissed her as she shuddered, he kissed her as he moaned. He kissed her when she grabbed his hair and pulled, and he kissed her when she let go, her hands scrambling wildly for purchase.
He kissed her in every way he’d promised he would and more. Their love making grew more and more intense until…
A scream ripped from her throat.
And the world quite simply fell apart.
She didn’t know what to do, didn’t know what to say. She let go of his shoulders as her body straightened and then arched, every muscle growing impossibly taut.
Her name was on his lips, over and over, decreasing in volume until it was the barest of whispers.
Exhausted at last, Sanskaar cradled her in his arms.
Sanskaar (whispering) : Sleep!
She did. And she slept.
For the first time in days, she slept deeply and truly.
And she never knew that he laid awake the whole time, his lips at her temple, his hand against her hair.
Whispering her name.
Whispering other words as well.
The days that followed brought Swara no peace. When she thought about it rationally—or at least as rationally as she was able—it seemed as if she should have found some answers, should have sensed some sort of logic in the air, something that might tell her what to do, how to act, what sort of choice she needed to make.
But, no. Nothing.
She’d kissed him and then slept with him.
That alone should have convinced her to accept his proposal. It should have been clear. She had been with him. She might be pregnant, although that did seem a remote possibility, given that she been with Laksh for two years and no baby to show for it.
But even without such consequences, her decision should have been obvious. This was the modern world, where affairs where more common than students getting an ‘A’ grade but In her world, in her miind, the sort of intimacies in which she’d engaged meant only one thing.
She must marry him.
And yet she couldn’t quite summon the yes to her lips. Every time she thought she’d convinced herself that it was what she had to do, a little voice inside of her argued for caution, and she stopped, unable to move forward, too scared to delve into her feelings and try to figure out why she felt so paralyzed.
Sanskaar didn’t understand, of course. How could he, when she didn’t understand herself?
He had asked her again after their interlude. She had begged off, requesting some more time to think it through.
His face had darkened, but he didn’t allow his temper to rise any further.
He had just gone back home and since it had stopped raining, came on a mountain bike and they had gone back home. In total silence.
She tried to escape to her room once they reached Kilmartin, mumbling something about needing to bathe, but he caught her hand, his grip firm and unyielding, and she found herself alone with him, back in the same inner salon of all places, the door shut firmly behind them.
Sanskaar : What is your decision?
Swara (gulping) : Sanskaar… I…
Sanskaar : Swara, Will you marry me?
Dear God, she wished he hadn’t just come out and said it. It was all so much easier to avoid when the words weren’t right there, hanging between them.
Swara : I.. I..
Sanskaar repeated the question, and this time the words were hard, with more of an edge to them.
Swara : I don’t know. I need time.
Sanskaar (snapping) : Why? We kissed, Swara, And then we slept together. You’re not the kind of woman who takes that lightly. What is there to think about?
Swara (holding herself tightly) : I need time.
Sanskaar : Why?
Swara was finally angry. She couldn’t stand the questions.
Swara : How do you expect me to accept your proposal?
Sanskaar (taken aback) : What is that supposed to mean?
Swara : I don’t even know if you’ll make a good husband. They don’t call you the Charming Casanova for nothing, you know.
Sanskaar (raising an eye brow) : This coming from the woman who agreed to all my wishes?
Swara (in a low voice) : That was uncalled for.
Sanskaar : Don’t push my temper, Swara.
Her head began to pound, and she pressed her fingers to her temples.
Swara : I just need time, Sanskaar. Can’t you give that to me?
But the truth was, she was terrified to think. Because what would she learn? That she had felt a primitive thrill with this man, a scandalous sensation that had never been there with her husband, whom she’d loved with every inch of her heart?
She’d found pleasure with Laksh, but nothing like this.
She’d never even dreamed this existed.
And yet she’d found it with Sanskaar.
Her friend, too. Her confidant.
Dear God, what did that make her?
Swara (whispering) : Please? I need to be alone.
Sanskaar stared at her for the longest time, long enough so that she wanted to squirm under his scrutiny, but finally he just swore under his breath and exited the room.
She collapsed onto the sofa and let her head hang in her hands. But she didn’t cry.
She didn’t cry. Not one single tear. And for the life of her, she didn’t understand why not.
He would never understand women.
Sanskaar swore viciously as he yanked off his shoes, hurling the footwear against the door to his wardrobe.
One of the servants entered and seeing Sanskaar’s furious face gulped, took the shoes and ran out of the room, leaving the door open.
Sanskaar kicked it shut, cursing again when he failed to find satisfaction in the slam.
Even the little pleasures in life were denied to him now, it seemed.
He paced restlessly across the carpet, pausing only occasionally at the window.
Forget understanding women. He’d never pretended to have that ability. But he thought he’d understood Swara. At least well enough to safely tell himself that she would marry any man with whom she’d slept.
Swara would never allow anyone to be with her unless she cared for that person.
But, he thought with a twisted grimace, apparently not.
Apparently she was willing to use him for her own pleasure—and she had.
She had used him.
And he would never have thought she had it in her.
Sanskaar (whispering) : Was I so wrong about you, Swara? Do you not care about me even a little? Was Laksh the only….
He stopped, his feet freezing into place on the carpet.
He had forgotten about Laksh.
How was that possible?
For years, every time he’d seen Swara, every time he’d leaned in for one intoxicating whiff of her, Laksh had been there, first in his thoughts, and then in his memory.
But since the moment she’d entered the inner salon last night, when he heard her footsteps behind him and whispered the words, “Marry me,” to himself, he’d forgotten about Laksh.
His memory would never disappear. He was too dear, too important—to both of them. But somewhere along the way, somewhere along the way to Parna, to be precise, Sanskaar finally allowed himself to think—
I could marry her. I could ask her. I really could.
And as he granted himself permission, it felt less and less like he was stealing her from his cousin’s memory.
Sanskaar hadn’t asked to be placed in this position. He had never looked up to the heavens and wished himself the company or the wealth. He had never even truly wished for Swara, just accepted that she could never be his.
But Laksh had died. He had died.
And it was nobody’s fault.
Laksh had died, and Sanskaar’s life had been changed in every way imaginable except one.
He still loved Swara.
God, how he loved her.
There was no reason they couldn’t marry. No laws, no customs, no objections from his family, nothing but his own conscience, which had, quite suddenly, grown silent on the matter.
And Sanskaar finally allowed himself to ponder, for the very first time, the one question he had never asked himself.
What would Laksh think of all this?
PRECAP : Sanskaar courts Swara
Hope you all like this chapter… It was really hard to write… I did try my level best to make it interesting… But somehow, I feel I fell off the mark…
Sorry if you don’t like it 🙁
This was the first consummation scene where I actually wrote more explicitly… So I’m not sure how it’s going to be received.. If you didn’t like it, just tell me 🙂
One last thing,
I had posted two OSs this week… Just in case, you want to read it
Thnxx all :* :*