SWASAN – SHE’S NOT FOR ME
Heyy, It’s Anjali back with the next chapter!!!
Thnxx for comments and to my silent readers….
ALL CHAPTER LINKS :
CHAPTER 18 LINK :
Sanskaar proposes to Swara
Sanskaar : Wait!
Swara stopped. She couldn’t move.
Swara (softly) : What do you want?
She turned and looked down. He pushed her back until her back was touching the door.
She wasn’t looking at him, but she could see his face in her mind, the way his midnight hair fell over his forehead, his intense serious eyes boring into her.
And his lips. Most of all, she could see his lips, perfectly shaped, finely molded, perpetually curved into that devilish expression of his, so as to say he knew more than he showed.
His hand traveled up her arm until it reached her shoulder, and then one of his fingers traced a feather-light line down the side of her neck.
His voice, when it came, was low and husky, and she felt it right in the very center of her being.
Sanskaar bent down until his lips were touching her ear.
Sanskaar (whispering) : Don’t you want another kiss?
Sanskaar wasn’t sure when he knew that this was the approach to convince Swara, but once he thought about it, he couldn’t think of any other way.
Sanskaar was going to have to seduce Swara. He was going to show her the passion between them.
He couldn’t try the practical approach. If there ever was a person more practical than Swara, he hadn’t met that person and Swara clearly didn’t seem to think the reasons for this marriage were convincing enough.
He couldn’t try emotion. It was a one sided affair.
So it would have to be about passion. If he could show her how great the chemistry between them was, maybe with a littlemore prodding, he could convince her to be his wife.
She cared about him. He knew that. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea to wish for more.
He wanted her—Oh, God, he wanted her. With an intensity he hadn’t even imagined before he’d kissed her the week previous in Kolkata. But even as his blood raced with desire and love, his mind was sharp and calculating, and he knew that if he was to bind her to him, he would need to do it with this. He would have to claim her in a way she could not deny. He couldn’t just try to convince her with words and thoughts and ideas. She could attempt to talk herself out of that, pretend the feelings weren’t there.
But if he could make that go away, then maybe Swara would be his.
Sanskaar (whispering at her other ear) : You didn’t answer my question. Don’t you want another kiss?
Swara gulped and tried to move back. She realised she was up against the wall and made an attempt to move sideways, but Sanskaar’s hand stopped her. He placed his hands on either side of the wall, effectively blocking her escape.
Swara (slowly) : That night was a mistake.
Sanskaar : Perhaps. But it could also be the start of something nice, something sweet.
Swara (looking at him) : I can’t marry you.
Sanskaar took her hand and rubbed them softly.
Sanskaar : Why is that?
Swara : Because… Because you… You’re you.
Sanskaar moved close to her ear again and she shivered at his hot breath.
Sanskaar : That’s right. I’m me. After a very long time, I’m me again and there’s no one else I would rather be right now.
His hands were on hers now. One hand slowly creeped up and reached her shoulder. The other gently caressed her cheek. Swara’s eyes met Sanskaar’s and he smiled.
Swara : Sanskaar..
She wanted him. He could hear it in her breath. He took her hands again and kissed her fingers. He then moved his mouth to her cheek.
Sanskaar : Shall I kiss you, Swara?
He knew he was taking a chance with this, waiting for her answer. He probably shouldn’t even have posed the question, but even though his intent was to seduce, he couldn’t quite bring himself to do it without at least one affirmative word from her.
Swara (closing her eyes) : Yes! GOD, Yes.
Sanskaar smiled languidly. He kissed her on the cheek and traced the path to her lips. He kissed her softly, warmly, like he had all the time in the world, but soon, it became more intense, more rough. The kiss became filled with more desire.
The kiss obliterated every thought. For the first time in forever Sanskaar’s mind was locked into the present. The worries of the day evaporated like a summer shower onto a hot car. His usual mode of hurrying from one thing to the next was suspended, he had no wish for the kiss to end.
Sanskaar put his arms around Swara’s waist and lifted her up. Swara who was kissing him back with all her strength had her arms around his hair and was tousling and caressing it.
She had no wish for the kiss to stop.
Finally Sanskaar pulled away with one last kiss near her ears. He thought he would look happy or relieved that his plan was working. He thought he could handle his emotions. But as he looked at a thoroughly kissed Swara, he realised that the women he had been with before had taught him nothing.
That had been his body and mind. This was his soul.
The following morning was, to the best of Swara’s recollection, quite the worst of recent memory.
All she wanted to do was cry, but even that seemed beyond her. Tears were for the innocent, and that was an adjective that she could never again use to describe herself.
She hated herself this morning, hated that she’d betrayed her heart, her every last principle, all for a spot of wicked passion.
She hated that she had felt desire for a man other than Laksh. She couldn’t even it call it a lapse of judgement. One kiss may have been that but the second one, that wasn’t a mistake.
She hated that this had all happened, and she hated that it had happened with Sanskaar, because somehow that made it all seem triply wrong.
And most all, she hated him because he’d asked her permission, because every step of the way, even as his fingers had teased her mercilessly, he had made sure she was willing, and now she could never claim that she’d been swept away, that she’d been powerless against the force of her own passion.
And now it was the morning after, and Swara realized that she could no longer differentiate between coward and fool, at least not as the terms pertained to herself.
She clearly was both, quite possibly with an immature thrown in too.
Because all she wanted to do was run.
She could face up to the consequences of her actions.
Truly, that was what she should do.
But instead, just like before, she fled.
She couldn’t leave Parna. She had just arrived besides, Where would she go? Certainly not back to Kolkata where she had left excuses saying she wouldn’t be back for quite a while, and besides, she was sure that Sanskaar would follow her anywhere now.
But she could leave the house, which was precisely what she did at the first streaks of light, and this after her pathetic performance the night before, when she’d stumbled out of the rose drawing room some ten minutes after her kiss with Sanskaar, mumbling incoherencies and apologies, only to lock herself in her bedroom for the rest of the evening.
She didn’t want to face him yet.
Heaven above, she didn’t think she could.
She, who had always prided herself on her cool and level head, had been reduced to a stammering idiot, terrified to face the one man she quite obviously couldn’t avoid forever.
But if she could avoid him for one day, she told herself, that was something. And as for tomorrow—Well, she could worry about tomorrow some other time. Tomorrow, maybe. For now all she wanted to do was run from her problems.
She wasn’t sure where she wanted to go; She just wanted to go to a place where the chances of Sanskaar finding her would be slim.
So she headed up the mountain. But it seemed like God had forgotten her or wanted to punish her, because he sent a huge downpour. Swara huddled under a wide-limbed tree for shelter, resigned to wait out the rain, and then finally, after twenty minutes of shifting her weight from foot to foot, she just sat down onto the damp earth, cleanliness be damned.
She was going to be here for some time; she might as well be comfortable, since she wasn’t going to be either warm or dry.
And of course, that was how Sanskaar found her, Almost two hours later.
Damn it, it figured he’d look for her. He had even come atop a horse. A horse? Really? He was too much of a “gentleman” supposedly. Couldn’t he behave like an uncaring person when it counted?
Sanskaar : May I join you?
Swara (muttering to herself) : For the horse alone. Not for you.
Sanskaar : I’m sorry?
Swara (shouting) : NO! GO AWAY!
Ofcourse Sanskaar didn’t listen to her. He brought the fine black horse and tied it to the tree and then looked at Swara.
Swara (without preamble) : A horse? Really?
Sanskaar (shrugging) : The mountains are dangerous when it rains. You don’t want to slip and fall. Horses are good for these sort of things. Besides, I haven’t ridden in 4 years. I missed Batman and he missed me.
Swara’s eyebrow rose inspite of herself.
Swara : Wait a minute. You mean, I’ve been in this family for 6 years and I never knew that you called your horse Batman?
Sanskaar : My horse.. My name. Now, What the hell are you doing here? Do you have any idea how long I’ve been searching for you?
Swara : About 2 hours, I imagine. That’s when it started to rain.
She supposed she should be glad that he’d come to rescue her, and her shivering limbs were just itching to leap onto his horse and ride away, but the rest of her was still in a foul mood and quite willing to be difficult just for the sake of being, well, difficult.
Nothing could put a woman in worse spirits than a nice bout of self-derision. Although, she thought rather peevishly, he was certainly not blameless in the debacle that was last night.
Sanskaar (offering her a hand) : Let’s go home. Come on.
Swara : I think I would rather wait for the rain to die down, Thank you.
Sanskaar (showing the first sign of exasperation) : Good God woman! Hate me all you want, but don’t be an idiot.
Swara (to herself) : It’s too late.
Sanskaar (showing his acute sense of hearing) : Probably true, But right now, We need to leave. I’m blo*dy cold, and I want to go home. Believe what you will, but right now I have a far greater desire for a cup of tea than I do for you.
That should have reassured her, but instead all she wanted to do was hurl a rock at his head.
Swara : I’m going to wait.
Sanskaar (sarcastically) : Oh sure! Stay dripping wet in the middle of a mountain while it’s raining. Why don’t we invite pneumonia or bronchitis? After all they are our dearest friends.
She looked him straight in the eye for the first time.
Swara : You are horrible.
Sanskaar (laughing) : That’s true, alright.
Swara : Why don’t you understand that I want to be alone?
Sanskaar : And why don’t you understand I don’t want you to die from the cold. It may be summer, but these are the mountains. When we are home you may feel free to lock yourself in your room—for a full two weeks, if it so pleases you—but for now, can we just get the hell out of the rain?
It was tempting, of course, but even more than that, damned irritating because he was speaking nothing but sense, and the last thing she wanted just now was for him to be right about anything. Especially because she had a sinking feeling she needed more than two weeks to get past what had happened the evening before.
She was going to need a lifetime.
Swara (softly) : I can’t be with you right now, Sanskaar.
Sanskaar (finally snapping) : For a thirty minute ride?
And then, before she had the presence of mind to even yelp in irritation, he’d hauled her to her feet, and then off her feet, and then onto his horse.
Swara : SANSKAAR!
He mounted the horse behind her, and then did a devilish wiggle until she was forced by the shape of the saddle to settle partially onto his lap.
Swara : For someone who thinks so much, Couldn’t you have got my horse too?
Sanskaar (his mouth at her ear) : Well no. I was too busy thinking about where you could be. If you really wanted to escape from me, You shouldn’t have gone off like an idiot in the rain. I would have come after you anyways, just to make sure you were alright.
Swara (scowling) : It wasn’t raining when I left.
He spurred the horse into motion.
Then, of course, she wished she had something to hold onto for balance. Finding nothing, She held on to Sanskaar’s legs, clutching them tightly.
She wished his arm wasn’t wrapped tightly across her waist. It made her feel all sorts of funny inside.
They rode on in silence, or if not precisely silence, they at least did not speak. But there were other sounds, far more dangerous and unnerving. Swara was acutely aware of every breath he took, low and whispering across her ear, and she could swear she could hear his heart beating against her back.
Sanskaar : Oh shit.
Swara (shaken out of her reverie) : What’s the matter?
Sanskaar : I think Batman hurt himself.
Swara tried to keep her mouth stern but at the mention of Sanskaar’s horse, she couldn’t help but grin. Sanskaar jumped down and then helped Swara.
Swara (nuzzling the horse) : Is he okay?
Sanskaar (observing Batman’s legs) : I think a stone hurt him. He’ll be okay but he won’t be able to take us back. (looking up at the sky) It’s still pouring. Why don’t we go to the outhouse? It’s not as far as home.
Swara : The outhouse?
It was a small, one-room structure, uninhabited currently. Swara shuddered. She didn’t need to be alone with him, trapped in a cozy little cottage.
Swara : Can’t we go home?
Sanskaar : It will take us too long. Besides, the rains are increasing. You know how summer showers are here.
Swara looked up and saw that he was right. The sky had taken on an ugly grey-black colour promising a huge storm.
Swara (sighing) : Alright. Let’s go.
Sanskaar : You can run and get warm inside. I doubt the electricity will be on but you can use the wood to create a fire in the chimney. I’ll have to bring Batman somewhere nearer to there. I can’t leave him here. Go now, Swara.
She did, although she wasn’t quite sure whether she was running to the cottage or away from him.
And considering the fact that he’d be minutes behind her, did it really matter?
But as she ran, her legs aching and her lungs burning, the answer to that question didn’t seem terribly important. The pain of the exertion took over, matched only by the sting of the rain against her face. But it all felt strangely appropriate, as if she deserved no more.
And, she thought miserably, she probably didn’t.
By the time Sanskaar entered the outhouse, He was soaked to the bone and shivering like a madman. It had taken far longer than he had anticipated to lead Batman to the outhouse. He then had had to find a suitable shelter for the injured animal and make sure he’d be safe.
As soon as he entered, He saw Swara kneeling by the fireplace, attempting to spark a flame. From the sound of her mutterings, she wasn’t meeting with much success.
Swara (startled) : What happened to you?
Sanskaar : i had to find Batman some sort of shelter.
Swara : Will he be okay?
Sanskaar nodded and sat down and removed his shoes which were filthy and completely drenched. His socks came off with a squelching noise.
Swara (uncomfortably) : I couldn’t get the fire to start. The wood isn’t that dry here or maybe it’s my wet hands. I don’t know. The fire just doesn’t seem to work.
He set to work igniting a flame, his hands, stinging a bit from the scrapes he’d incurred clearing the thorns from the shelter for Batman. He welcomed the pain, actually. Minor as it was, it still gave him something to think about other than the woman standing behind him.
She was angry.
He should have expected that. He did expect it, in truth, but what he didn’t expect was how much it would sting his pride, and, in all honesty, his heart. He had known, of course, that she wouldn’t suddenly declare her undying love for him after one kiss, but he’d been just enough of a fool that a tiny little piece of him had hoped for such an outcome, all the same.
Who would have thought, after all his years of bad behavior, that he’d emerge such a hopeless romantic?
He was left with a decision—did he wait out her anger, or did he needle and push until she accepted the inevitability of the situation? The latter was sure to leave him bruised and gasping, but he rather thought it presented a greater chance of success.
If he left her alone, she would think the problem into oblivion, maybe find a way to pretend nothing had ever happened.
Swara : Has the fire started?
Sanskaar continued on his work a few more minutes, then smiled satisfied as he saw the flickers.
Sanskaar : It’ll be a nice big fire in a while.
Swara : Good. I’ll be right here.
Sanskaar turned around and resisted the urge to laugh. Swara had chosen to stay in the position that was farthest from him. She sat on the large bed that was there. This was a one room house. Where did she think she was going?
Swara : You can remain over there.
Sanskaar looked at the opposite corner where she was pointing and nodded.
Sanskaar : There?
Swara (firmly) : Yes.
Sanskaar (casually) : Alright.
And then he stood and began to remove his shirt.
Swara (shouting) : WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
He smiled to himself, keeping his back to her.
Sanskaar : I’m in my corner, Aren’t I?
Swara (with disbelief) : You… You are removing your shirt.
Sanskaar : Yes, I am. And if you are wise, You’ll do the same.
Swara : You’re finally gone insane. I am not removing my clothes.
Sanskaar (turning aroung) : Here, Catch this.
She shrieked as his shirt hit her in the chest, which brought him no small measure of satisfaction.
Swara (throwing it back at him) : Sanskaar!
Sanskaar (in a voice that was definitely not sorry) : Sorry!
Swara : Wear your shirt.
Sanskaar : I’m sorry… But I don’t love pneumonia as much as you seem to do. I want to be warm and that drenched shirt isn’t going to keep me warm. You understand? By the way, Don’t sit on that blanket, You’ll get it completely drenched.
For a second he thought she would sit even more firmly against it, just to defy him, but her good sense must have won out, because she stood and yanked the blanket from the bed, shaking off whatever drops she’d left behind.
He walked over to her, took the other blanket that was available and covered himself with it. He went back to his corner and looked at Swara.
Sanskaar : You’re shivering.
Swara : I’m cold.
Sanskaar : Ofcourse you are. You refuse to remove your wet clothes.
She didn’t say anything, just shot him a look that told him she did not plan to remove her clothing.
Sanskaar : Fine! Don’t do that. Sit closer to the fire though.
Swara looked doubtful at the thought of being close to Sanskaar.
Sanskaar (exasperated) : I promise I won’t kiss you, Swara. At least not this morning, and not without your permission.
For some reason that made her cheeks burn with greater ferocity, but she must have still held him and his word in some regard, because she crossed the room and sat near the fire.
Sanskaar stoked the fire for the next few minutes, carefully tending it to ensure that the flames would not die out, stealing glances at her profile from time to time.
Seeing that she seemed to have calmed down a bit, He decided to press his luck.
Sanskaar (softly) : So.. You never answered my question yesterday.
Swara : You didn’t ask me one.
Sanskaar : I think I asked you to marry me.
Swara (shaking her head) : You told me why you think it’s a great idea. It was never a question.
Sanskaar (resisting the urge to smile again) : I’m so sorry. I can rectify that though.
Swara (annoyed) : That wasn’t an invitation to ask me.
Sanskaar : Alright then, But as a gentleman, I think we should…
Swara : If you were a gentleman, this would never have happened.
Sanskaar : There were two of us, Swara.
Swara remained quiet for a while, then spoke bitterly, which made Sanskaar regret provoking her.
Swara (with anguish) : I know.
Unfortunately, once he’d made the decision not to taunt her further, he was left with nothing to say. So he held silent, pulling the woolen blanket more tightly around himself, surreptitiously eyeing her from time to time, trying to determine if she was becoming cold again.
He’d hold his tongue, to spare her feelings, but if she were endangering her health… well, then, he wouldn’t be able to help himself.
But she wasn’t shivering, nor did she show any signs of feeling excessively cold, save for the way she was holding up various sections of her jeans toward the fire, vainly attempting to dry the fabric. Every now and then she looked as if she might speak, but then she’d just close hei mouth again, wetting her lips with her tongue and letting out little sighs.
Swara : I will consider it.
Sanskaar (looking at her surprised) : I’m sorry?
Swara : I will think about your reasons for marriage, Sanskaar. But I won’t give you an answer now.
Sanskaar : We kissed, Swara.
Swara : I KNOW! But that doesn’t mean we have to get married. A kiss means nothing.
She spoke in constricted tones, but Sanskaar’s felt a hot surge of fury.
Sanskaar : I see.
Fury he probably had no right to feel, but it was there nevertheless, and he was not enough of a gentleman to ignore it.
Sanskaar : A kiss means nothing?
Her head whipped around to face him.
Sanskaar : I think we have to make sure it means something.
Swara (whispering) : You wouldn’t.
He didn’t feel like smiling, yet he did.
Sanskaar : I have no choice.
Swara : You want to marry me that badly? Why?
Sanskaar : Because I just have to.
Her eyes widened.
Sanskaar : Will you kiss me, Swara?
Swara shook her head, but didn’t move. She was only five feet from him, and they were both sitting on the floor. He crawled closer, his heart racing when she didn’t scoot away.
Sanskaar : Will you let me kiss you?
She didn’t move. He leaned toward her and whispered near her ear again.
Sanskaar : I can’t do it without your permission.
Still, she didn’t move.
Sanskaar (looking right into her eyes) : Will you let me kiss you?
She moved closer.
And he knew she was his.
PRECAP : 😉 😉
Guys… let met just clear some things up for you..
ik some of you might think sanskaar is forcing Swara, but that isn’t the case.. you have to understand that swara has started to feel the same way but is unable to understand it.
sanskaar is using passion to make swara understand that she could care for him if not love him. that’s all. he just wants to show they could be a good couple.
sanskaar hasn’t done anything without swara’s permission…. do notice this fact 🙂 🙂
Hope you like this…. next chapter is gonna be huge.. so buckle up 🙂 🙂
Love you all!!!!