SWASAN – MR MAHESHWARI AND I
Heyy, It’s Anjali back with the next chapter!!!
Thnxx for comments and to my silent readers….
I realise some of you might be finding it hard to find the chapters among the million million ffs’ present… So I’ve added this url.. IT will have all my chapters together… From the latest onwards.. Hope you find it helpful…
Swara (walking back to the car, thinking) : I am going to confess my love within the next 3 days… I cannot wait anymore…
Sanskaar ( thinking) : I have done all this. But I should perhaps reduce this. I cannot let Swara ever fall in love with me.. It would be a disaster…. But why will she fall in love with me? That is just my fancy… Till now, you’ve been able to charm any girl you wanted Sanskaar, But the day you actually want to charm a girl, You can’t…
They reached the car and got in, Sanskaar at the wheel. He revved the engine and set off for home. They were still thinking about each other.
Suddenly Swara’s voice disturbed Sanskaar’s thoughts.
Swara : Sanskaar!
Sanskaar (absent mindedly) : Hmmm..
Swara : Remember that day when you asked me what is love?
Sanskaar’s thoughts froze. What was she saying? Love? Why was she saying that?
He thought of that day, during their first date on the way to the beach where she had tried her level best to teach him what love was.
Swara (interrutping his thoughts again, impatient voice) : Sanskaar?
Sanskaar (turning towards Swara, a bit guardedly) : Yes Swara…. I remember. Why are you asking?
Swara : That day, you told me that you’ll think about what I told. I just want to know if you had or not.
Swara (thinking, in a hopeful voice) : And if there’s the slightest hope for me that you’ll love me back. Is there? I want, no need to know that as well….
Sanskaar (thinking) : What answer do I give her? Tell her that I love her so damn much that it hurts to imagine a life without her? Tell her that since she came into my life, I’ve not had a decent night’s sleep because I am tormented with thoughts of her? Tell her that I cannot live without her?
Sanskaar : Why Swara? So suddenly?
Swara ( hesitantly ) : Well… It just struck me suddenly. Do you believe in love now?
Sanskaar ( incredulously, but bitterly with a sad smile) : I have always believed in love, Swara!
Swara ( a bit surprised) : But, I thought you didn’t want love because you didn’t believe in it.
Sanskaar : When you grow up in a house with my mom and dad and Badi Ma and Bade Papa, then you have no choice but to believe in love. I do know there’s love in this world Swara! I always have and I always will. But….
Swara ( in a slightly hopeful tone ) : But? But what, Sanskaar?
Sanskaar (closing his eyes for a moment, in a defeated tone) : But… This love is not for me. I don’t have it… I don’t need it.
Swara (her hopes sinking quickly, heartbroken) : Why do you say that? Sanskaar… What happened that made you like this?
Sanskaar (thinking, heartbroken) : Stop Swara! Please stop… Stop asking these questions… For I know I have no proper answer and soon I won’t be able to stop myself. Please Swara! Please….
Swara : Sanskaar, Stop the car (seeing him not doing so ) Sanskaar… Please…
Sanskaar sensed the catch in her tone and stopped the car a street away from her house.
Sanskaar (not able to look at Swara for some reason) : Why did you ask me to stop Swara?
Swara (softly) : Look at me please!
He didn’t turn.
Swara cupped his cheeks and turned him towards her. He raised his eyes hesitantly and was shocked to see the emotion in her eyes.
Swara (gently) : I think you are hiding something from me.
Sanskaar looked at her, his heart thundering. Did Swara know that he….
Swara (continuing, oblivious to his pain) : But I don’t know what it is. All I know is that you are retreating into a shell, Sanskaar, And I don’t like it.
Sanskaar continued to stare at her. He didn’t know what to say. The moment of life or death was here and all he wanted to do was postpone the moment. He wasn’t ready for this conversation.
Sanskaar (removing Swara’s hands from his face and turning the other side) : Swara! What happened to you? You’ve been acting very emotional from the morning. I think you haven’t slept off the holi hangover yet. Go home and get some sleep.
Swara (smirking sadly) : People should learn to change subjects from you Sanskaar! Par I am the most stubborn and tenacious person you know. I don’t give up so easily. So, I’m asking you once more : What are you hiding from me?
Sanskaar ( putting on a fake cheerful tone) : Arre yaar! Nothing baba… Swara! I am not hiding anything from you. Pakka.. You are just being silly.
Swara (eyess flashing) : I am being silly? If I am being silly, then why are you avoiding my question Sanskaar? If I am being silly, then why are you not able to look at me and answer?
Sanskaar (thinking) ; I have let this go on for far too long. I have to put a stop to this. (looking at Swara) I am so sorry Swara!
Swara (continuing) : I asked a simple question. What do you think of love and you gave such a vague answer. Why Sanskaar? What happened….
Sanskaar (in a loud voice) : SWARA!
Swara shut her mouth shocked and waited.
Sanskaar (in a furious undertone) : That’s enough. Bahut ho gaya yeh bakwaas! Love.. Love… Love… Why are you going on and on about it? Remember, I told you on day 1 itself that there WON’T be love in our marriage. Did I tell you or not?
Swara turned away and flinched. She tried to stop the tears that were threatening to spill out of her eyes while Sanskaar continued, each word puncturing a hole in her heart.
Sanskaar ( thinking) : I am so sorry to shout at you Swara.. I know you haven’t done anything wrong. You are asking questions which are genuine and necessary. But I am a coward. I cannot tell you how much I love you. And if I tell you my biggest secret, I can’t bear to see the pity in your eyes. I just can’t. I’m so sorry Swara!
Sanskaar (loudly) : I told you the word love does not have a place in my heart. I cannot stand it. Do you understand Swara? And why are you so concerned about love anyways? And that too suddenly? (in a fake mocking tone, but his expression relaying a heartbroken hope ) Are you in love with me Swara?
Swara finally turned towards him. Sanskaar caught her by the shoulders and asked again.
Sanskaar (more gently this time) : Are you in love with me, Swara? Are you? Because…. (his voice caught, but he closed his eyes, drew courage and opened them, steeling his heart) Because I am not! I DON’T LOVE YOU…
Swara smiled bitterly. It was no less than what she had been expecting but it still hurt. She had lost and the demons had won. Maybe it was her fault. Maybe she had confronted him too soon. But today, This dark night, SWARA GADODIA HAD LOST AND THE DEMONS HAD WON.
Swara (thinking) : I cannot tell you how I feel now. You are angry and you are still hurting. I don’t expect you to love me ever, but I will help you get over this fear of love. But… After today…. I am scared Sanskaar! I am scared that I won’t ever get the courage to do so.
Swara finally wiped her unshed tears and looked at him, with absolutely no expression in her eyes.
Swara : I don’t love you too.
Sanskaar’s despair grew. Even though he was awaiting this answer, His heart shrank with misery.
Swara : I didn’t ask you this question to make you think I love you. I asked this because I was curious. But I think I made a mistake. Sorry Sanskaar! I am really sorry. I didn’t mean to make you angry. Now… Will you start the car, Sanskaar? It is getting late and tomorrow is the mehendi… Chalo!
Sanskaar (now in a gentle tone) : Swa…
Swara (turning towards him) : No Sanskaar! It’s ok… Let’s just go please…
Sanskaar sighed but started the car. He stopped in front of her house and rested his hands on the steering wheel, unable to look at her departing. Swara turned and looked at him one last time, and then got out of the car. As she was going to close the car door,
Sanskaar : Swara!
Swara looked up at him.
Sanskaar : I am sorry! I didn’t mean to shout at you or hurt you. I just…. I don’t like the word love Swara! And I do care about you… a lot…. I do care about you Swara! I always will…
Swara smiled sadly and reached inside and tousled his hair.
Swara ( so softly that he might not have heard her) : I know you do. I know you do and that’s why it makes this all the more difficult.
She gave one last wave and then ran inside, into the sanctuary of her room waiting for the tears to fall..
But they never did. She went and changed her clothes, choosing a black salwar… Depicting how she felt right then. She was in a state of numbness. She had no idea what to do…
She folded her saree and kept it on the counter. Just then she spotted a note on her mirror. Puzzled, She went to look at it.
KARAN AND I HAD GONE OUT AND I DIDN’T KNOW WHEN YOU’LL BE BACK. I CALLED YOU BUT IT WAS SWITCHED OFF. I WANT TO TALK TO YOU, MY BEHNA! IT’S BEEN TOO LONG SINCE WE GOSSIPED. AND I MISS YOU. SO ONCE YOU READ THIS NOTE, COME AND WE WILL TALK.
YOU KNOW WHO 😛 😛
Swara read the note thrice before sinking down to her bed. Ragini!! Only then Swara realised just how much she had been ignoring Ragini and her mother. Her thoughts were always about Sanskaar! She was going to a new family, but it seemed like she had left her old one behind.
And finally, the tears came. Not tears of self pity, not of helplessness. But tears of guilt.
She imagined Ragini waiting for her in this room for a long time, all because she wanted to spend some time with her.
Swara (weeping silent tears) : Today I was so happy throughout the day and night. But in my happiness I forgot about the others’. Today I proved myself to be a selfish sister and daughter. Today, Swara, you failed and you failed badly… As a daughter, as a sister and as a lover, You failed.
She closed her eyes, wanting someone to take the truth away from her. Wanting to sleep peacefully, without any dreams. She took the note that was clutched in her hands and read it one last time.
Swara rose from the bed.
Swara : Ragini!!!
She ran from her room and entered the adjacent room where Ragini was sleeping peacefully. She tip toed inside and smiled seeing her beautiful sister sleeping so peacefully.
Swara (thinking) : I can’t wake her up now… I will talk to her tomorrow… pakka…
She sat by her and just stared at Ragini, thinking of all their childhood memories, the games they played, helping each other out during tests. She smiled nostalgically. Sometimes it felt like it was so nice to just go back to being Swara Gadodia again. Not Swara Gadodiam future Maheshwari. Not that she would have traded this life for anything else, But she needed some time away from Sanskaar. Just for her Ma and Ragini.
Swara finally realised that she had been sitting there for too long and decided that she had better go to bed as well. She got up, tucked Ragini in again and gently kissed her cheek. As she withdrew away, She noticed a piece of paper in Ragini’s hand.
Curious, Swara took the paper out. What she thought was a paper were actually two photos, crumpled. Swara looked at the photos.
One was a picture of Ragini and herself and the other, a picture of Ragini with Karan. On the backside of one photo, Ragini had written MY TWO FAVOURITE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. AND MA, OF COURSE!!
Swara’s eyes moistened up. What had she done to deserve a sister like her? Swara felt truly lucky that she had a sister like Ragini. She quietly crept out of the room to cry nicely when she heard a voice.
Sumi : Swara beta?
Swara turned to look at her Ma…. And then the teardropd fell, loud and wet as she ran over to her mother and hugged her tightly.
Sanskaar entered his room feeling utterly like a heel. He was a miserable coward.
He entered the room, shrugged off his blazer and threw it on the bed. He needed to hurt himself for hurting Swara! He needed to physically hurt himself so that his mental pain wouldn’t consume him.
Sanskaar (in a heart broken voice) : Why… Why did this happen? Life was never supposed to be this complicated. I was supposed to lead a simple life. A dutiful wife, A loving family, A contented life… But now, I want more. I need more. But that is not possible.
He went to his cupboard and opened the drawer and took out a photo. He gazed outside the window clutching the picture. Finally he looked down at the picture to see Swara in a gorgeous salwar smiling whole heartedly.
LINK : http://www.india-forums.com/tellybuzz/images/uploads/2D6_dffd.jpg
Sanskaar : I would do anything to keep this smile on your face forever. But instead, I myself am hurting you. I’m so sorry Swara!
A single tear escaped from his eye as he closed them and clutched the picture to his chest.
Sujata : Beta Sanskaar!
Sanskaar opened his eyes.
Sanskaar : Mom!
He quickly wiped his tears, not wanting her to see them and turned towards her.
Sanskaar (walking towards her) : Mom! Why are you awake so late at night?
Sujata : When my child is in pain, How can a mother sleep peacefully?
Sanskaar stood surprised.
Sanskaar : How do you… I mean, No mom! I’m not sad. See, I’m smiling.
And he smiled at her. A smile which seemed like a ghost of one. Not reaching his eyes at all. Sujata held his hand and led him to the bed. She made him lie down on her lap and gently massaged his head.
Sanskaar sighed relieved. He didn’t feel like being alone, And God had sent him a companion in the form of his mother.
Sujata (rubbing Sanskaar’s temples) : So are you going to tell me the truth?
Sanskaar (guardedly) : What truth? There’s nothing to tell, Mom!
Sujata : Beta! I’ve been your mother for 28 years now. And I had you in my womb for 9 months before that. These lies won’t work on me…
Sanskaar (sighing) : Mom…
Sujata : Nahi Sanskaar! It’s ok… I didn’t come here to ask you to spill all your secrets and worries to me. Though I really wish you would. Beta, It’s eating you alive. This tension and this worry.
Sanskaar opened his eyes blankly. Everyone had decided to question him today or what? He just lay down quietly, not wanting to interrupt this inner determination.
Sujata : I must be a bad mother.
Sanskaar (shocked, getting up) : MOM!
Sujata (with tears in her eyes) : Yes beta! I am a bad mother…. Because what sort of mother sits by and watches her son suffer. Not for one day, not for two days, I’ve kept mum for 8 years thinking that it’s nothing. It is just a phase. Why didn’t I ever confront you in the first itself? Then at least, Maybe I would have my Sanskaar back right now.
Sanskaar : Mom! Your Sanskaar is right here….
But his words felt weak even to his ears. Mom was right! The day Bade Papa had left him, A piece of Sanskaar too had been ripped out. He was partly missing, wandering out somewhere lost. Sanskaar knew this well. But he never imagined that his mom too had noticed.
Sanskaar (gently, wiping her tears) : Mom! Khabardaar if you reproach yourself again. You were the best mother I could have asked for. I would want you as my mother for the next hundred lifetimes if I could. Mom… You’re my rock! Please don’t cry…
He hugged her tightly and held her close. She clutched him and smiled.
Sujata : You know beta, When your Papa and I heard we were expecting you, We were so joyful. We were so happy. And then once you came, Both your Papa and I went into panic mode. We didn’t know what to do with such a small prince. Jiji was also pregnant with Adarsh and couldn’t help much. But you…. you solved the problem yourself. You were such a calm and peaceful kid that you always managed to calm me down too.
Sanskaar smiled and took both her hands in his and kissed them.
Sanskaar : My pyaari mom! Mom! (she looked at him expectantly) Mom, Have I been a good son to you?
Sujata looked at him stunned, then laughed. She cupped his face.
Sujata : No beta!
Sanskaar stared at her shocked.
Sujata (continuing) : No Sanskaar! You haven’t been a good son. You’ve been a great son. You’ve made my life blessedly happy. You take care of your aged parents and your siblings. You take care of this household and this family name, Not to mention the company. Sanskaar beta, It is I who am truly blessed to have you as my son. And lastly, You are marrying Swara! You are bringing me another daughter. Sanskaar beta! You don’t know just how happy I am about this.
Sanskaar smiled, but again it didn’t reach his eyes. Swara’s name had brought back memories of everything that had happened. The heart break, the guilt, Everything. But one thing made him happy. Even though he wouldn’t live long, He would not have disappointed his mom. He had been a good son.
He rested on her lap again and closed his eyes, willing for a dreamless sleep in his mom’s lap.
Sujata ( softly) : Beta, Do you want me to stay tonight?
Sanskaar nodded, largely relieved. He wouldn’t have to be alone with his voice and thoughts echoing throughout the night. He had his Mumma! silent tears passed through his eyes.
She smiled and bent down and kissed him, wiping his tears away.
Sujata : No crying today… Sleep well, My baby!
And he felt like he was 12 years again. Thankful, Sanskaar fell into a dreamless sleep, taking solace and comfort from his mother.
IN GADODIA NIVAS
Sumi ( anxiously ) : Swara! Why are you crying? What happened beta?
She slowly took her crying daughter into Swara’s room and made her sit down. Swara still clung onto her mother, unable to let go off her. Sumi just held her and decided to wait until Swara’s tears ran dry. She mumured soothing words as she worried for her daughter.
Finally, Swara quieted down and calmed her shaking self. She sat straight and Sumi got up and got a glass of water for her.
Sumi : Swara beta, Drink this! You will get dehydrated otherwise.
Swara quietly drank the water, looking downcast. After drinking, she again leaned on her mother and stared quietly at the wall in front of her.
Swara (in a small pained voice) : Ma! I am not a good sister.
Sumi (confused ) : Swara! Beta, aise kyun keh rahi ho? You have been a good sister. Hamesha!
Swara Shook her head.
Swara : Nahi Ma! I have been a good sister. But now, Now not anymore. I am a bad sister. I was not there for Ragini at all… Even when she needed me. I am a bad sister Ma! And I am a bad daughter too.
Sumi (protestingly) : Swara! Nahi beta…
Swara (interrupting) : I AM a bad daughter Ma! I am not spending time with you at all. I haven’t done anything for you lately… I am a bad daughter Ma..
Sumi (firmly) : SWARA! That’s enough…
She hugged her daughter and comforted her.
Sumi (gently) : Swara! Just because you haven’t been around lately doesn’t mean that you’re a bad daughter. Your papa hasn’t been here in a long time, Does that make him a bad father? Nahi na? Then how can you tell like that?
Swara looked at her wonderingly. Sumi smiled reassuringly at her.
Sumi (nodding) : Swara! Relationships are not called so because of how much time you spend with them. They are special,
They hold a special place in our hearts because of what you think about the person. As long as you have good thoughts about the person and wish the best for them, You are a good person, be it your sister, mother, father or friend.
Swara : Par Ma…
Sumi : Nahi beta! These tears of yours did not have just self reproach or guilt. I sensed hopelessness as well. Swara, Kuch hua kya? What made my strong princess so weak today?
Swara closed her eyes.
Swara : Ishq….. Ishq Ma.. Ishq.. Love…
Sumi : But this is good news na? (softly) You love him right?
Swara (nodding wistfully) : I do… More than my own life… But…. He doesn’t.
Sumi (her smile fading) : Aah! I see… Did he tell you that? (At Swara’s nod) Have you told him how you feel about him?
Swara : No Ma! I didn’t have the courage to do so… When I heard the rejection even before telling him anything, How could I summon the words? I didn’t have the courage Ma.. I didn’t….
Sumi (now tearing up a little) : My baby!!
She took Swara into her arms and comforted her heartbroken daughter.
Swara (in a small voice) : Ma!
Sumi : Hmm…
Swara : Remember when I was 16 and you used to call me Shona! (laughing slightly) And…
Sumi : And you used to never respond because you thought it made you sound very young. I remember!
Swara : I want to be that kid again Ma! Except this time, I want you to call me Shona! All the time… Or at least most of the time.. I want to be that young.. Oblivious to this pain. I want a dreamless sleep. I want courage to face my demons Ma! Because only if I face my demons, Can I face his… I need this Ma!
Sumi (tears streaming now) : My Shona! My poor Shona! You had to suffer through so much heartbreak today. I’m so sorry, My beti! I’m so sorry…
Swara (shocked, wiping Sumi’s tears) : No Ma! Don’t cry…. Papa would not like it if you cried. Look.. I’ll be alright Sacchi… I just need someone to hold me today.
Sumi: I’ll do that anytime, My baby! My Shona…. Aa Jao!
She made Swara get into bed and tucked her in, then came to the other side and began tapping Swara’s forehead gently to soothe her innocent daughter to sleep.
Swara (thankfully and sleepily) : Ma! Will you please sing that lori you used to sing to Ragini and me?
Sumi : Haan Shona!
Chandaniya chhup jaana re
Chhan bhar ko luk jaana re (Luk: hide)
Nindiya aankhon mein aaye
Bitiya meri so jaaye
Nindiya aankhon mein aaye
bitiyaa meri so jaaye
Leke god mein sulaao
Gaao raat bhar sunaao
Main lori lori
Ho main lori lori
Lori lori lori
Lori lori lori
Lori lori lori
Lori lori lori
Gardhaniyaan chhun chhun baje
Palkan mein sapna saje
Pawan basanti dole
Dheeme dheeme haule haule
Pawan basanti dole
Leke god mein sulaao
Gaaon raat bhar sunaao
Main lori lori
Oh oh ho main lori lori
Meri Muniya Rani bane
Mehlon ka Raja miley
Dekhe khushiyon ke mele
Dard kabhi na jhele
Dekhe khushiyon ke mele
Dard kabhi na jhele
Leke god mein sulaao
Gaao raat bhar sunaao
Main lori lori
hmm hmm main lori lori
Lori lori lori… [x8]
Sumi finshed singing and saw that Swara was sleeping peacefully.
Sumi : Thank God! Bechari… She cried herself to sleep today. But tomorrow, Tomorrow what will happen? Mehendi function is there. The wedding celebrations will start. Will my strong Swara be able to manage this heart break? Will she manage to free her love from his captors? Oh Lord Rama! Please guide my daughter. She needs you.
Sumi put her head down next to Swara and hugging her went to sleep giving her strength and optimism to Swara.
Swara and Sanskaar slept peacefully that day, willing to let go of their thoughts and desires for just some time with their moms. Their families. And their own selves.
PRECAP : MEHENDI MASTIIII!!!
I was in a very nostalgic and upset mood today.. So didn’t feel like writing happy stuff…. Was way too upset to even think about that… Just converted my feelings into words and wrote it down…
Didn’t proof read it..
So it may be bad.. It may be too emotional or completely devoid of emotion.. I don’t know… But this chapter gave a new dimension to the story.. something I wasn’t expecting… So I hope you like it…
Uk, the other day I received my first hate comment… And tbh, I wasn’t upset… Sure When some ppl got them, I told them chill… It doesn’t matter and all that,,, But I was actually apprehensive that if I ever get one, Will I be able to let go of it..
But it didn’t bother me at all… And you know why? It’s because of all you others.. You have always given me support and love… I could start naming the people… But the is frankly too long.. And I have an exam tomorrow.. 😛 😛
So thank you guys for giving me so much love…
And now for Anu, Bisha, Dhara di and neha’s answer…
It’s a bit sad though…
My parents were the wolf and the moon for about 2 months when I was 8.. That is 10 years ago. They got into this huge row, fought about it for weeks until they decided to seperate…
So my dad moved into this other house we had and I used to go like a nomad between the two houses.. But my parents loved each other a lot.. Though theirs was an arranged marriage, they decided to get back together..
Like Sanskaar, I’ve always known what it meant to have your parents in love… And just like Sanskaar… I understand the pain of losing one of them…
I’m not saying this because I want your sympathies… I’m just saying this because I needed someone to talk to and I can’t go to my family for this…
My mom passed away when I was 10.. That is 8 years ago… Ironic isn’t it?
Lol… Anyways… My dad is still so much in love with her… It’s really heart touching but it also makes me feel sad… That’s why I was thinking about the wolf and the moon story today…
My mumma was soo awesome… She was the one who introduced me to books and expanded my vocab… She was the one who taught me proper speech patterns.. If my English is good today, It’s only because of her…
Anyways.. That’s all… Will try to post new chapter soon…
Love you guys…
I have bio exam tomorrow 🙁 🙁
Credit to: Anjali