swasan: only for you [epi-82]
so bubbly you want to know how i feel after reading your comments in one word. hhhhmmmmmmm so dear it’s a bit difficult to say it in one word but still the word which i would say is pain relieving.
i have never shared my feelings with anyone but now who wants to know something about me can read it or just skip this part and scroll down to read the story.
must be thinking of what kind of description is this. life is so complicated. i myself don’t understand when i am happy and if ever i am or not. one and half years passed and i have forgot how to be happy except with my friends. i have my family but a distance has been created between us. i was most close to my brother. he used to be my world. we both could not live without each other but when i went to kota for coaching, from then i got separated from my brother. now i really miss that fun and care that existed between us. now he doesn’t talk to me properly.
he answers me in a yes or no or sometimes in a sarcastic way that i feel so bad that i can’t express. he was little bro who used to share every damn thing with me. when he wanted to hide something from mummy or share anything or get protected by her scoldings he shared with me and now he rarely talks with me. when i returned from kota i thought i am back to my family but no. i lost them with my own hands. i have cried many nights and days to talk with him but obviously he doesn’t know that i cry for him nor i want him to know because i want my brother back not anyone’s sympathy.
i was close to one of my cousin sister and when i was supposed to go to kota she came over to my house to stay as she had to coaching in my city. she lived here and she made a great bond with him. now he talks to her so nicely and he is so free with her but he shares not even his happy moments to me nor talks properly. this makes me cry and feel left alone. and she what should i tell about her.
i am the eldest in my paternal’s house and i have no one elder sibling and i craved for one and i considered her my elder sister but she took away the most pious and dearest relation and person from my life. how fake she is. she took advantage of my innocence. i hate her so much. even though she understands that she is coming in between us she never stops and her fake acting….
she took advantage of my brother’s innocence too. my mother had always been warning me since childhood that be in limits with her but i always favored her and now i am facing the consequences. my mother and father kept her in the house because of my uncle who is such a nice person. no one could be like him. other reason for her to be in my home was that i made my parents agreed myself and destroyed my sweet home with my own hands. i invited her that my brother doesn’t miss me when i am not here but that was the biggest mistake of my life.
i am writing this ff to show my emotions, to let out all my feelings in form of the family bonding love and care between swasan and their child, the siblings. i wish i can have a life partner like sanskar in my life as he is my ff and like sanskar only a brother as he treats rashika and uttara, swasan as parents as i have shown in my ff and like sumi a grandmother or a mother in law. although it is a fiction and like a dream which will never come true. me and my life is like a curse for me and others. any work i do it always goes wrong or i do any mistake. i am always scolded for this fact. however i try to do things perfect but it always goes wrong. like last year i appeared for neet but could not get a government college and let’s see this year what fate brings for me.
it’s the first time i have let out all i feel to you all other than my mother. infact all i said is not known completely by my mother too. she just knows that i feel hurt by the way my brother talks to me. she doesn’t know that how my cousin have kept my brother away from me even after i returned. she lived here for six more months after i returned and in that duration my brother hardly talked to me twice or thrice a month. now also i feel lonely and the pain inside me is increasing day by day.
so bubbly when i read your comments that gives me a relief that atleast i did something good and satisfactory. i have someone to appreciate my work which they seem to like and love.
i feel the warmth through your comments which i have been missing since long. i lost my brother but i got some readers who are like my siblings and friends as you say who appreciate me and love my work. who unknowingly acts as ointment on my wound. thank you thank you so much for commenting on my ff. thank you so much.
i may not be able to reply each one of you personally but i read everyone’s comment which brings a smile on my face.
i talked a lot and that to unnecessary so let’s start with the story.
mp- strictly told swara to have her food and was moving towards her when he got a call and after attending it he left from there as it was something urgent.
swara just cried and did not have anything. she only thought bout sanskar and kids the whole day and feeling weak slept by sitting beside the bed and keeping her head on the bed.
here in swasan mansion.
kamala bai calls sanskar down as some one has come.
sanskar make himself presentable and washed his face and came down in the hall.
a boy of about 11 years of age runs and hugs sanskar as soon as he saw sanskar approaching them. sanskar smiled seeing the boy and hugged him back.
sanskar- ayush..[smiled] how are you?
yes it’s ayush.
ayush- i am good jiju. i missed you so much. where is swayyam and sanu and where is didi.
sanskar smiling expression again changed into blank and pale.
sanskar- [somehow managed to say] she…has still….not returned…..from her work.
ayush- [sad] ohh when will she return. it’s been so many days that she has gone for her work. i didn’t talk to her and what work is she doing that it is taking so long. huh!
sanskar- i….umm…she will come.
ayush- can’t she leave her work and come back. i miss her so much.
sanskar-[lost] me too want the same even more than you.
ayush looked confusedly at sanskar as he got lost.
ayush- [shaking sanskar] jiju where are you lost.
sanskar- [coming to sense] nothing…..
sanskar then looked at the two persons standing and looking at them. he moved forward and took blessings from one of them.
sanskar- how’s you maa. [touching feet] yes it’s sumi. well who is the other one. let’s see.
sumi- i am ok. beta you fine. [he nodded]
she hugged sanskar while he reciprocated.
then sanskar moved to the other person and took his blessings just for the sake as he is elder to him and also because ayush was present there. so guys the person is shekhar.
[guys don’t just get angry on me for this and first read the flashback as how come shekhar is with ayush and sumi and then you are allowed to completely abuse and bash me for making them together if you won’t like their being together] sanskar just touched his feet and moved away.
sanskar- maa how you suddenly here.
sumi- why you didn’t want me to come here.
sanskar- no maa.i really feel good to see you here.
sumi- ayush was asking us from so many days to come here and seeing opportunity we came. and i wanted to meet my other son too. i know he needs me too.
sanskar became a bit emotional and hugged her again.
but before he breaks down he composed himself.
sanskar- [moving away] maa you all must be tired. take rest.
sumi- [nodded] ayush- jiju swayyam and sanu where are they.
sanskar- they are in school. so you take rest now and when they will come back from school you meet them ok.
sanskar- now go to the room.
sanskar- kamala bai [kamala bai came] take ayush to room.
kamala took ayush with her.
shekhar- [hesitating] sanskar beta …vo…..vo…
swara- sanskar beta did you find something about swara.
sanskar- [pale and gloomy] no maa. i am trying but i am not getting any further clue. [determined] but i will find her at any cost.
sumi- [teary eyed] don’t know how is she. where is she.
sanskar- maa you take rest. and don’t worry i will find her soon.
sumi- i know beta and i trust you. it’s just that it’s a long time and i am getting impatient.
sanskar- maa i have some work. i will meet you afterwards. [about to go] sumi- sanskar [he stopped] how is my son.
sanskar- just breathing maa. excuse me.
sanskar left to his room avoiding further discussion. he came in room and closed the room door. he sat on floor beside bed and holding swara’s photo looked at it.
here in hall sumi sat on sofa and started crying.
shekhar- mishthi sambhalo apne aap ko [control yourself] you can’t break like this.
sumi- then what do i do shekhar. my daughter is missing and here sanskar. you saw him, his state. may be i am not his mother in real but he is my son. he has always cared and considered me as his mother. all the time i have lived here i never felt that he is my son in law. he has loved me more than shona. he is my son only shekhar and i can’t see him like this. shona is his life. only shona is not missing but this home is missing. the whole world which had shona is missing shekhar. she took away the life of this house with her. the hope of her return is keeping them alive.
she cried more while shekhar consoled her but he was broken and tensed to for swara.
in swasan room sanskar was caressing swara’s photo.
sanskar- swara i have never felt so broken so lonely and vulnerable ever. any loss in my life has never caused me so much pain but your loss is breaking me completely. because i have not lost you but myself. i lost myself with you swara. it’s the first time that i am unable to hold myself from breaking down, to hold my tears. i can’t break in front of others this time. what have you done to me swara. you took away everything from me. i can’t live like this swara, i can’t.
sanskar cried for sometime and then got ready and went to office, worked for some time and then went to pick up kids from school and came back home.
as soon as they came back home, hearing the car approaching sound ayush ran outside excitedly and met swayyam and sanu and hugged them. they both too got excited.
ayush- swayyam sanu
swayyam- when you came. papa this was the surprise.
sanskar- [smiled slightly] yes this was your surprise.
swayyam- bhaiyaa when you came.
ayush- when you were in school and you know i got bored so much and then jiju also went office. so i had to wait for you both. now we will play.
sanskar- sorry but work was important.
swayyam- bhaiyaa come let’s play.
sanskar- no first both of you change, then have your lunch and then play. chalo come inside.
sanu- mamu nani and nanu also came.
sanu- [excitedly] yeeyyy.
kids ran in .
sumi came out in hall and sanu ran towards her.
sumi kneeled down and opened her arms.
sanu hugged her- nani i missed you so much.
sumi- aww mera bacchha…..nan too missed you my shona bacchha.
sanu- nani for how many days you came.
sumi- why you want to send me soon.
sanu- no no nani. i want to keep you here and send mamu back.
ayush- why you want to send me back.
sanu- because you team up with bhaiyuu and then both of you play and tease me. nd you both play games together which i can’t as i am small naa. you also make my fun. [she pouted] swayyam- hawww sanu. you don’t play properly and so don’t blame us. now bhaiyaa is here so i can play with him nicely and not the baby games you make me play.
sanu- nani tell naa bhaiyuu and manu that they will play with me.
sumi- swayyam and ayush you will play with sanu. [strictly]
swayyam- haan haan nani we will play varna she will again start playing.
swayyam came and hugged sumi—i missed you nani.
sumi- i also baccha.
sanskar- now chalo both come let’s change and then will have lunch.
swayyam- ok papa.
swayyam ran upstairs while sanu came to sanskar.
sanu- papa my leg is paining.
sanskar smiled a bit and picked her up in his arms and took her to the room.
sumi smiled to see sanu act.
sanskar made them change and sent them down for having lunch while he himself came to change in his room.
downstairs in hall all were settled on dining table and kids were talking. sumi and kamala bai set the table. sumi served food to everyone and said them to start eating as sanskar already informed that he will come in a while and they should start eating. ayush and shekhar started eating but sanu and swayyam were sitting and did not touch the plate.
sumi- swayyam sanu baccha eat naa. what happened.
sumi- he will come in some time. come i will feed you.
sanu nodded in no and ran upstairs.
sumi- sanu beta..
swayyam- nani she went to call papa. you sit and eat she will come.
sumi just nodded and waited for them to come down and ayush and shekhar to stopped eating.
sanskar came down with sanu in his arms.
sanskar sat down with sanu on his lap. sanskar fed first bite to sanu and swayyam and then swayyam too fed to sanskar and started eating his food. while sanskar fed sanu and himself ate. sumi saw everything teary eyed. sanskar did not talk much with anyone just was with the kids.
it was evening and kids were playing. then there came a girl about 24-25 years age looking smart and quite professional in her attire.
girl- [shouted] sanu, buddy… chote..
all looked at the direction and became excited.
ayush/swayyam/sanu- didi/bua/bua [yelled the kids] so you must have guessed it. it is rashika.
kids ran towards her and she too ran towards the kids. they shared a group hug.
rashika- [to ayush] chote when did you come.
ayush- today at day time.
sanu- bua you came after 6 days. yaa. so where are our things. [looked behind rashika] rashika- olley i brought it. it is in the car. wait i will bring.
rashika went out and brought some packets.
rashika- sanu this is your teddy and buddy your chocolates and since i didn’t knew that chote is coming so buddy for now you share the chocolates with ayush. and chote i will bring something for you tomorrow. ok.
ayush- no problem didi. i am ok.
rashika- waise what were you playing.
sanu- [pout] bua see naa bhaiyuu and mamu are playing this game with ball and marble slabs and i am unable to play.
rashika- aww. no problem. i will teach you. come.
rashika played with sanu and taught her somewhat about the game. [the game is pitto]
sumi came out to see the kids and saw rashika.
sumi- rashika beta when did you come.
rashika- [happy to meet sumi] aunty wow i am so happy to meet you. i came just now from a business trip with dad.
rashika came and hugged her.
sumi- [caressed her hair] you have become so big in so less time but it feels that you are still the same rashika who studied in school.
rashika- time changes and we grow aunty. but what doesn’t changes is our love and relation. [at that time sanskar to came there and seeing sanskar] but sometimes that too changes. people sometimes doesnot understand that how much we love and care for them and how much we are concerned for them truly.
sumi- [confused by her sudden change of expression and statement] beta relation and person may change but relation based on trust and love never changes. love always remains same with passing time in relations which have trust and care. misunderstandings occur and sometimes situation compels people to act differently but that doesn’t mean that they don’t love. they do beta. but those relations which don’t have trust is not worth to be continued.
rashika- let’s leave this topic and i am going to sanu to play.
sumi smiled and nodded.
sanskar there was standing looking at rashika but soon he composed himself. he was hurt but did not showed up. he looked at the kids and then again went up to his room.
after sometime it was dinner time. all had there dinner. sanskar observed that sanu was taking multiple glances of sumi and ayush. he was confused and thought to ask later. they completed the dinner and then all departed to their rooms. sanskar was with the kids in their room. sanskar was making them complete their homework.
sanu- papa not more. tomorrow is saturday and holiday. rest will do tomorrow please.
sanskar- [seeing her pleading] ok.
sanskar- angel why were you seeing ayush and nani like that during dinner.
sanu became quite and tears formed in her eyes.
sanskar making her sit on his lap and caressing her hairs.
sanskar- what happened angel.
sanu- [sobbing] papa i was missing mumma. when she will come then she will love me naa and take care of me same as nani do for mamu. hai naa.
sanskar- [shocked but composed himself] yes bachha. when mumma will come then we will not let her go and scold her also.
sanu- no papa. we will not scold her. we will tie her so that she don’t go again.
swayyam- oye mumma will not go again. we will not let her go. no need to tie mumma.
sanskar- accha chalo now sleep.
sanskar made them lie and patted them and soon both kids drifted into sleep. sanskar again got lost in his thoughts and went in flashback.
done with this part.
precap- flashback- revelation of sumi and shekhar being together and swara’s pregnancy.
question- why rashika was behaving like that and what happened between rashika and sanskar. let’s see.
readers for what i wrote above i am sorry. i didn’t want to share all these but you all have become a small family whose face i don’t know but still who have the capacity to comfort me through there comments and make me feel light and bring smile on my face. thank you everyone and forget what you read about me and sorry once again for writing all these about myself in the ff. but i felt great relief after sharing what all was in my heart.
sorry for being late.
dil mein dard hai itna
sailab bhi umadta hai
par uss sailab ki zamin
hamara dil hai
aur sailab ke baad
dard bhi iss dil ka
ye dil dundh raha
ek manzil hai
ki bole ye dard apna
kisi hamrahi ko
jo saath chale
jo apna ho
jispe mera haq ho
ek bandhe mujhe
prem ke anokhe bandhan mein
jo sirf mera ho
jo sirf mera ho.
since the time i remember i have been an elder sister only. i don’t know about myself but yes but in every action of mine i know that i have a brother. whenever something comes in our home i always ask him and give him his share first. he has been my first priority and once in life i too was his priority. but now that place has gone and i am just for name his sister for him but for me he is my brother and will always be.
being his elder i have fulfilled my responsibilities. i sat beside him before his exams and made him learn his lessons or infact can say to make him learn and create his interest i learnt along with him. when in childhood he slept without eating and mummy used to make him stand out of the gate i brought him inside and fed him so that he don’t have to listen her scoldings. his school projects and craft works and when he used to come home after playing till late i have been with him. being with him and for him i no more remained myself but only became an elder sister. i had been caring, strict and mature since childhood because i was his sis. i never wanted to enjoy life in any other way. just once for my career i moved far from him and then i lost him. didn’t i had the right to think once about myself. was i so wrong that he went so far from me. didn’t i loved and cared for him with whole my heart that my cousin took my place so easily even without caring for him.
leave it. i have learnt one thing. never expect from anyone and never love someone so much that they break you. this love is only good in all of the ffs.
next episode will be posted soon.