SWASAN: ONLY FOR YOU [EPI-46]
diary continuation. next page.–
it’s four months we have been to mumbai and two months since i wrote in this diary. i thought that writing will reduce my pain and to an extent it happened. after that i am still waiting for my sanskar to get normal and call me princess once. i thought that he is deep lost in his sorrow. he has been avoiding to talk about his emotions and fighting with the turmoil in his heart by himself. but then i got to know something which rekindled the lost hope in me again. yesterday night when sanskar was going to sleep he kissed me on my forehead. although everyday i sleep before him and i don’t exactly know when he sleeps but yesterday night i woke up but before i open my eyes i felt his kiss and remained like that. he said me good night princess and then he slept. after sometime i opened my eyes to see him and tears made it’s way. question raised in my heart that whether he kiss me daily before he sleeps. i got the hope that i have not lost him completely. i have decided to stay awake till he sleeps. i will pretend to sleep because i want to know what he is feeling. why is he behaving like that. does he share his feelings to me when i am asleep. i hope that this ray of light which emerged in the darkness of night does not fade away. i was lonely all these months but this hope is enough to wait more for sanskar.
from the last 20 days i have been pretending to sleep until sanskar comes to bed to sleep and everyday he kisses me on forehead and sleeps. i was a bit disappointed on not finding out why he is like this. he is still the old sanskar from inside. he loves us a lot but is not ready to show himself in front of us why? but i can’t lose hope. i will wait till the day comes and he will be back to normal and share his emotions. but in all this i am satisfied. at least i feel his love through his good night kiss and his wishes. only i know how badly i want to say him i love you and hug him tight. i want to sleep in his embrace and wake up in his embrace itself. i want to wake him up in the morning and bear his tantrums like before but i need to wait for this. and i will wait. i can do anything for him. ANYTHING ONLY FOR YOU MY SANSKAR.
next page- [before he starts reading sumi and rashika came to him.
sumi- [crying] sanskar beta what are you doing.
sanskar- [blankly] maa just trying to gather myself and stay strong for swara, for swayyam. i am waiting maa waiting for her. maa she is punishing me naa because i made her to wait. but she can’t punish me like this.
sumi- [confused and broken] what are you talking about sanskar.
sanskar- maa she has written about her long time wait she has done for me. she bared my silence, she waited for me to come out of my miseries and waited for long to share her emotions. when she did not found me she wrote it down. this is swara’s diary. she wrote it just because i could not give her my time. i took time so long that somewhere she too lost herself. i only saw my pain but forgot that she is going through the same and unknowingly gave her more pain.
sanskar- [tears flowing down his cheeks] how can i be so mean maa. that day if i wouldn’t have heard uttara and swara’s talks then may be we would have been in our miseries only. just because of uttara happiness entered in our lives and i understood that i am taking too much time unnecessarily.
uttara- and you gave such a good reward for all this to me.
everyone turned towards source of voice to see uttara standing there with tanmay and harshit and were shocked.
sanskar stood up taking swayyam in his arms.
uttara came forward and stood in front of sanskar feeling hurt and as a stranger.
uttara- bhai yesterday you did my bidaai and then forgot me too. i was thinking that what if bidaai happens of girls, she still remains the part of family but i was wrong and you proved this.
sanskar- uttara listen…
uttara- no bhai not today. you all hid this from me that swayyam is kidnapped and now bhabhi is in hospital. didn’t have i this much right to know about all this or as i am married so i no one to you.
rashika- di we didn’t want t….
uttara- rashika you don’t even speak. you and bhabhi acted on the phone yesterday right. how could you. and what an acting. i asked you both right whether everything is fine or not but you went on acting. how could you all do this to me. and we would be flying for honeymoon if harshit wouldn’t have informed us about this. why you didn’t tell us bhai. [she cried not able to control her emotions]
sanskar side hugged her.
sanskar- swara did not wanted to trouble you both so we didn’t tell you about this matter. and uttara remember that you are an inseparable part of this family. if we hide something that does not mean that we don’t consider you family or you don’t have right but it’s because that we don’t want to give you tension. i am sorry that we hid this from you. please calm down because i don’t have strength to console anyone.
uttara- i am sorry bhai. i got angry because i got to know this from harshit. i expected you yourself to say this to me but i understand you. i am sorry.
she broke the hug and was taking swayyam from sanskar.
as soon as she she departed swayyam from sanskar and was about to embrace him he started throwing his hands and legs in air to free him. not able to calm him uttara made him stand on floor and swayyam shoving her hands ran to icu [sorry i have used icu now and earlier but it will be ot] door and started opening it crying loudly shocking everyone.
swayyam- [crying loudly] mumma……….. mumma…….
sanskar- [running came behind him and took him in his arms] swayyam …….what are you doing champ.
swayyam- [crying] mumma… i want to go to mumma……. she is not coming out……. papa mumma…….aannnaunnnnna
sanskar- [teary eyed] champ stop crying. doctor are treating mumma inside. we can’t go inside.
swayyam- no they will take mumma. they are bad papa…… mumma will go away….. i want mumma….
sanskar- ssshhhh… police uncle took bad people with them naa. you saw them taking away naa…… now stop crying….. after sometime doctor uncle will do bandage of mumma and then we will meet her. now stop crying. [wiped his tears] you are mumma’s brave boy naa. remember mumma don’t like that you cry. she will become sad seeing you like this.
swayyam slowly slowly stopped crying.
seeing the condition everyone had tears in their eyes. sumi and rashika were crying while nikita and risabh consoled them and uttara was crying hugging tanmay.
sanskar sat back on the floor instead of chair and stroked swayyam’s back to calm him down. swayyam was calm now and again hugging sanskar he looked towards the door. sanskar again started reading swara’s diary.
next page—[swara’s diary] yesterday night sanskar as usual gave good night kiss to me before he sleeps and started saying something without his knowledge that i am awake. he said that he is feeling too low. he is trying to forget what all happened but can’t. due to aadarsh maheshwari he was referred as cheater by everyone. he used money for defaming him and this left a wrong impression on him. sanskar said that he wants to earn enough and secure everyone that no one would be able to plot against us and defame us. i never thought that sanskar is hurt to this great extent that he will become such a workholic to earn money. the one who never valued money more than his needs and who respected wealth but never tried to become wealthier but just earned according to his work wants to earn money not due to requirement but due to insecurity. aadarsh bhaiyaa and parineeta bhabhi greed and revenge has left a scar in his heart and fear to lose and for this i would never forgive them. sanskar is going through all this due to their game plan. i am feeling so helpless not able to stand for him. i want to make him understand that we don’t need lot of money but only his love. but i could not gather courage to talk to him in morning. i don’t want to hurt him by telling him that i heard whatever he talked to me yesterday night.
since last 10 days i am seeing sanskar but not able to utter a word to him. i myself am not able to understand that what should i tell him, how could i heal his wounds. everyday i go to see him off till his car and wait till his car disappears and not able to hold myself i cry in my room . i don’t want to breakdown in front of all. i can’t help myself but only cry. how much broken sanskar is but i am not able to do anything. shame on me. till now he has been doing everything for me and i can’t be a good wife. i am useless when i can’t be his strength. i am just useless.
sanskar’s tears fell on the pages when he read this. he wiped them and turned the page.
sanskar heard mine and uttara’s conversation. i was worried for sanskar as he may feel hurt. i don’t want him to feel bad because i know he is not at fault. he himself is suffering from so much and now i couldn’t bear any more. i was so tensed about his reaction. but today morning was so blissfull. as i opened my eyes i saw him and he wished me and called me princess and he was holding my hand. he smiled finally after what seemed ages to me. i hope everything goes well. we all could see changes in him. he talked happily with everyone and teased me over cooking and i showed that i was angry but i only know how happy i was to see him like that. he went to office but the change was before leaving he kissed on my forehead and said that i cook good and he only teased me. i was so happy that it’s boundaries could not be determined. i wish only one thing that as he is changing, so everything goes well and his smile remains like this forever. i will do anything for his smile and happiness but god don’t bring back those sad days again.
dear diary, huh i never called you dear naa but today i felt like because i shared my emotions with you and now that life is going so smooth i felt like to share my happiness with you. sanskar told me about a house he is building. i was shocked and sad because this flat has many memories of us and how could we leave tanmay here. i have developed a good bond with him and he said to everyone that i am his sister. but then sanskar told that tanmay is taking the house adjacent to ours and we can’t live in this flat forver and also that tanmay’s parents would be visiting him frequently so tthey both decided it together and it was a surprise for us. now that the house is furnished he will take us to show it and after few days we will shift there. i thanks god for returning happiness in my and sanskar’s life, actually our life because even if one of us would be sad then other would ultimately become sad. thank you god.
few days ago i got to know that i am pregnant. i can’t believe it. i am so so so so happy that i can’t exclaim. this news came due to a shock. sanskar came to meet me after school. he was tensed and frustrated because aadarsh bhaiyaa met him and he again tried to plot against him. sanskar left the job and when he was about to say this he saw car approaching a girl and ran to save her and the car was about to hit him. fear of losing him over powered my mind and i fainted. i can’t think of life without him. god can snatch all the happiness from my life but if i separate from him i can’t live. but leaving all this apart when i opened my eyes after gaining conscious i was in unfamiliar environment. there i saw i was in rashika house who is my student and her mother doctor who checked me. sanskar told me about my pregnancy and he was so happy. the news of baby’s arrival washed away all our pain. rashika made sanskar his brother and mow we have shifted in our new home. we are really very happy and sanskar cares for me a lot. may be if we did not get the news of baby then once again sanskar would be shattered and this time i could not wait for him as i would break along with him. our baby is our luck. risabh sir offered sanskar a job on his merits on that day itself and listening about his success in the previous company form sir made me proud on sanskar. i am sure he will be a good father seeing the way he is caring for me now. no doubt he is a good husband and a soft hearted person from before but now his care overwhelmes me. I LOVE YOU SANSKAR AND I LOVE YOU BABY. i am sure sanskar would protect our baby and love him immensely when he will come in this world.
sanskar read this much and tears made it’s way through his eyes and he closed the diary. he could feel the love and trust of swara for him through this diary. tanmay sat beside him and kept hand on his shoulder and sanskar wiped his tears.
tanmay- sanskar you need to be strong at this point of time. bhabhi needs you, swayyam needs you.
sanskar nodded without looking at him.
tanmay- sanskar i think you should make swayyam eat something and distract him. it’s not good for him to stay like this.
sanskar looked at swayyam emotionally and the words written in diary by swara that he will protect the baby came in his mind and tears escaped his eyes.
sanskar- tanmay what i should do. swara had trust that i will protect him but i couldn’t do anything when they took him and then swara too…..what should i do to distract him. he is in shock. he is scared and only wants swara. didn’t you see his reaction when uttara tried to take him.
tanmay- let me try once. [sanskar nodded] tanmay sat kneeling in front of swayyam who was seeing the door. seeing tanmay swayyam tightened his grip on sanskar.
tanmay- [controlling his tears seeing swayyam’s state] champ come to me.
swayyam moved more into sanskar.
tanmay- don’t you want chocolate. [swayyam did not respond and tried looking at ot door] accha tell me what do you want.
swayyam- mumma. i want to go to mumma.
tanmay- [tears welled up in his eyes] champ doctor is treating mumma. till doctor uncle is treating mumma let’s go out.
tanmay forwarded his hand to hold him but swayyam nuzzled his face in the crook of neck of sanskar and started crying.
swayyam- papa i don’t want to go anywhere. i am scared. i want mumma.
sanskar- champ why are you crying. don’t be scared. he is tanmay fufaji. go with him and you can buy chocolate and he will show you different places.
swayyam- [crying more] no papa. ….i will be with you……i will meet mumma……. don’t leave me papa……. i am scared….. i want mumma.
sanskar- i am not leaving you champ. i will not send you. we will together wait for mumma. and we will scold doctor uncle too for doing work slowly and taking so much time. ok now don’t get scared and stop crying
sanskar patted his back and hugged him tight. he too started crying seeing his son’s state and getting no information about swara health.
just then a nurse hurriedly came out and sanskar stood up and went towards her
sanskar- nurse how is swara, my wife inside.
nurse- [hurriedly] please move. i need to rush. she is sinking.
sanskar was shocked. he felt like his world, his life is snatched from him.
done with this part.