Ty guys. Luff you all ! New ideas running in my little mind for a new twist and a new ff. And read the introduction of my new ff Swasan : Fix You. I’ll probably start it very later. But I’m super excited for that one. And don’t forget to comment on this part.
~~I ll Kill You~~
Sanskar’s pov. ~
Two days had passed by since accident. To say that I was okay, would be an understatement. I was scared. I couldn’t forget what had happened two years ago. That incident was fixed in my mind. Even slightest memory of it made me shiver.
Thankfully, I was out of the depressing hospital within a day with some bruises and a hairline fractured wrist. There was nothing to be worried about. But the only thing that bugged me, was Swara. There was no trace of her since that accident. No calls, no messages, nothing. I just felt time was repeating itself. It reminds me of what happened two years ago. I was in the hospital waiting for her but she never came. . .and when she did, it was only to break my heart. . .
I sat alone in my room. My finger hovered over the green button over my phone’s screen. I debated whether to call Swara or not. She had her phone switched off. I was afraid that she might have gone back to London.
So, I asked my mom about it. All she said was that Swara was in Mumbai itself. I was relieved. As I finally decided to give it a go and call her once again, the door cracked open. Mom stood outside.
“Hey, Swara’s here!” She said and moved out only to reveal a very pale looking Swara.
“I ll leave you two alone. I m gonna get some snacks for you.” Mom said and left the room, shutting the door behind.
Swara smiled at me which I didn’t return.
“How are you feeling ?” She asked.
“Top of the world.” I replied. She rolled her eyes and poked me to scoot over. I did so as she made herself comfortable beside me.
“Hey I m sorry, okay? I missed you.” She said and traced her fingers over my slight stubble which had grown as I had not shaved since two days.
“Why were you avoiding me ?” I asked.
“I wasn’t.” She snapped causing me to raise my brows.
“I was just busy with some stuff.” She said and she was expecting me to buy that.
“Why don’t you tell me the truth for a change ?” I asked. She hesitated for a second and untangled her arm from mine. I wished I could guess what was going in her mind. It was just too hard to figure out.
“What is it?” I asked. She shook her head and looked away.
“Swara, jaan. You cannot keep everything buried inside you. I can see something’s troubling you. Just let it out for once. What are you afraid of ?” I asked.
“I m afraid of losing you, Sanskar. . .” She said. Her voice cracked at the end. I knew she was crying but somehow her words relieved me. I engulfed her in my arms and let her sob.
“You are never gonna lose me, baby. Even if I m gone, you’ll always be a part of me. What makes you think that you’ll lose me ? I m right here. with you. . .” I rocked her back and forth.
“Its not that easy. I have lost you once. I can’t do it again.” She said.
“What do you mean ?” I asked. She didn’t respond. Instead clung on to me and cried. Her behaviour was unusual and confusing.
“Just hold me Sanskar. I need you right now.” She cried.
“Swara what’s wro–” she cut me off.
“Please please. . .” She pleaded. I wrapped my arms around her at once.
Swara was the kind of girl who would never bow down in front of anyone for help. She would do anything to make it on her own. Hearing her, begging me to hold her, told me how broken she was. That broke me too.
She cried in my arms for a while and then pulled back.
“Are you okay?” I asked, wiping her tears off my thumb. She nodded slightly.
Her hands ruffled my hair before tugging on the collar of my shirt.
She inched closer to me and was about to kiss me, when I interrupted.
“Hey Swara. Just relax, I , I want to kiss you too. But I just want to know what’s wrong. Please tell me baby….” I said. She took a deep and unsteady breath.
“I will. But before that I want you to love me. Love me like its our last time together…” She said.
That struck a cord. Last time together. Was she leaving ?
“I- – You – You are not leaving. Are you ?” I asked. My heart was thumping out of my chest. I was longing to hear her answer, which I was 99% sure, was a no. But still I held on to that 1%.
She looked up at me. Her eyes glistening in tears.
“I was going to tell you but –” I cut her off in middle.
I was pissed off. I felt cheated. She had played with my heart ruthlessly. She was leaving me alone… …again.
“Tell me when ? After kissing me ? After leading me on till here !” I asked and got out of bed.
“Why Swara ? Why are you doing this to me ? What have I done to deserve this from you ? Answer me….” I said.
She got up.
“I m sorry. Its not your fault. Its –”
“I said answer me. Damn it!” I yelled. I could feel the anger boiling inside me.
I couldn’t contain it anymore. It had to come out someday. And that day, it just did. She was startled by the sudden outburst.
“Why did you lead me on ? Why did you give me hope ? For once, Swara, once in the past two years I felt happy. I felt complete. Then why are you so keen to ruin it again ? This is not some soccer ball you are playing with Swara. . .its my heart.” I said.
“I m sorry Sanskar….”
“Bullshit. Tell me something new.” I said.
“That’s why I came here. To tell you the truth. The truth about why I left.” She said.
“Do you remember the accident that happened two years ago ?” She asked. I nodded.
“It was after that. I found myself in the hospital. You were there too. The doctors had almost given up on you. Even I could see you going away from me. I was devastated. I didn’t want to lose you. So that night, in the hospital, I vowed. In return of your life, I sacrificed something that I loved the most. . . .you… I vowed to never meet you or see you again. Two years, that was me, keeping my promise. But when I came back to India I didn’t expect to see you at all. Those memories started haunting me again. I couldn’t stay away from you. Every moment spent with you was magical. You brought me back to life ” She said.
I was stunned. I didn’t know how to react. She left me only because of that silly vow ? Wow. How ironic. I let her continue.
“I had almost changed my mind. I convinced myself to stop being immature and stay back with you and mom and dad. But it all changed two days back. It was a close save and then I realised that I had almost lost you . . . .again. It was some kind of a warning. I know it, Sanskar. That’s why I chose to stay away from you.” She said.
I didn’t understand whether I had to be happy; that she loved me so much or I had to curse my fate; that the girl who I loved so much was so stupid.
I ended up staying in the middle. I loved her too much. But I also dreaded her for making me suffer for two long years.
“Say something!” She cried.
“What do you want me to say? Do you want me to say ‘Its okay Swara. What you did to me was completely justified. You are not wrong. You are just stupid and f**king immature.’ Do you want me to say that ?!” I yelled.
I myself had no idea what I was going to do.
In every human being there is a limit. A limit to stay calm. A limit to stay patient. And that day, Swara had caused me to cross all the possible limits. All the anger, the frustrations, the doubts and the insecurities and what not, was coming out of me that day. I couldn’t hold back.
“How can you be so…. I don’t even have a word for that. You are so so so stupid ! Why do I even love you so much ?” I cried.
“I know you’ll think of me as someone whose immature and silly to have believed in this. But I really do, Sanskar. And I believe that, whatever happened two days ago was because of me. Its my deeds that you have been punished for. And I can’t let anything happen to you. I love you.” She said.
I let out a sarcastic dry laugh. What kind of ‘love’ was this ? Where I could call her mine, but never be with her.
“Really? I don’t call this love. This is nothing but bullshit. The truth is, that, you are very timid, Swara. You are too scared to do anything. You can’t even love anyone. That’s what you are – a coward. You run away from things. You disgrace yourself. You are nothing but a screwed up mess.” I said.
She was blank for a moment. Both of our eyes were filled with tears.
“I m sorry. I m doing this for you. I don’t want to lose you.” She cried.
“You have already lost me! There’s nothing left between us. Two years ago you broke up with me. But today I’m breaking up with you. It’s over. I m done dealing with you and your shit.” I spat.
She tried to hold a catch of my hand but I pulled back. She took a few steps away from me. I didn’t dare look at her again. She made me feel ‘used’. She made me look ‘dumb’ in this whole situation. I turned my face away from her.
“You will never understand, Sanky. But I still love you. And I always will.” She said.
My heart screamed provoking me to tell her how much I loved her. I knew I did. I was going to love her till the end. For me she is the only one. . .
As she started walking out of my room, I caught a hold of her hand and spun her around. She was startled by the sudden reaction as I pinned her against the opposite wall.
“Don’t ever show me your face again. I swear, I’ll kill you.” I threatened.
A weird feeling of disgust and pain washed over me. I couldn’t believe those words that had escaped my mouth. But somewhere I actually I meant them.
She didn’t say anything. She let a few tears slip her eye as she sprinted out of my room.
I sighed. Once she was gone. Two years ago, she had left me here, in the same room. And now again we were separated in the same place.
I realized. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
The pain of separation is immense.
Falling in love is beautiful. Is easy.
But falling out of love is painful. Is difficult. Sometimes even impossible.
In my case it was the later. It was like walking on a road of thorns for my entire life lonely and forever.
Is it THE END ?
Is this what people get in return for true love ?
Will Swasan be ever united ?
Credit to: Anu