SWASAN: AASHIYAN [EPISODE-11]
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I knew that you would be angry and upset with me when I come back and things may be little awkward for a while but this kind of behaviour I didn’t expect sanskar. I have cried and craved for you. Many a times I have regretted the moment I left you, and many times I longed for you. I needed someone and since the time I had been with you, that someone had always been you sanskar but you weren’t with me because I myself am responsible for this as I left you.
Sanskar it’s really hurting to see you behaving this way. Mom is upset with me for leaving you and I understand your anger too but it’s enough now. These few hours are so painful. I left the house because it was needed, ragini needed my support, her condition was really worse. That day I said you so much but those weren’t exactly my words. If only we could talk peacefully and you give me a chance to explain myself, we could sort out the problem between us.
And sanskar….[keeping hand on belly] our baby….i have to tell you about our baby too. From so many days sanskar I have kept this news with me. You deserve to be the first person to know about our baby and so I didn’t let anyone to know about this. You are going to become papa sanskar. Your bal gopal or bal gopi is going to come in this world. [Laughed tearfully remembering how sanskar told this on phone to her when during last janmastami he has gone other city for a meeting]
[To baby keeping hand on her belly in low voice] baby did you felt your papa. He saved us both today otherwise I don’t know what would have happened. [worried] sorry for being careless while walking. But you know papa will save you, protect you always. He will love you so much. Now he doesn’t about you naa but once mumma and papa will end the problems then I will tell him. He will be so happy to know about you.
Baby whatever happens but I will pacify your papa’s anger. Bas you be with mumma’s team ok. [to self] I did mistake, I will only rectify and for that I have to bear sanskar’s anger which always resides on his nose tip. Good night baby.
Swara’s pov over.
She gently lies down and look towards balcony for sanskar.
Swara- good night sanskar. Soon you will have to forget all this anger because we await you.
She slept facing towards balcony keeping one hand on her stomach.
Why am I getting attracted to you. Why am I not able to control myself? Yes you affect me, yes I care for you……. Yes I love you. I can’t see you in pain but I can’t allow you in my life because you leave me every time for others. you don’t value my feelings, my longingness for you, and over that the blame you put on me. How should I forget all those so easily. I always stood by you and no doubt you were also there for me but swara leaving me was not the way. I would have ignored every word you spoke against me but how could you take decisions of our marriage, our love, our separation on the basis of others. You left me because ragini was in pain, because laksh was missing but where was I in all this. Just because I raised stone on laksh how am I responsible for his disappearance. Didn’t he start the fight first, didn’t he raised his hand in both the days fight first and didn’t he spoke ill about you and mom.
If raising stone on him can be reason for his disappearance then I had lot more better reasons to disappear. Anything you would have said but once you could have thought before saying so.
In my own house I started feeling like stranger and guilt never left me just because of your words. Each time I came home that expect look from everyone that may be I found laksh just killed me. I started feeling whether if what you said was right. I came home late or rather many times I didn’t came home to avoid there looks. Maa [ap] never talked to me since the day you left. I always felt a look of despair, disappointment and accusation from maa when I returned home with no news of lucky.
But then too I knew that everyone others are with me. Dad came more often to my cabin than he ever did earlier to check on me. Bade papa was supportive, mom always was there for me whenever I was home and uttara behaved always the same as before with me. Only maa was upset but today she also told about her insecurities but swara always something was missing. Parents, siblings all understands us and they are god gifted which I respect a lot and so even after whatever happened I didn’t have grudges on them. But swara love is the only thing people chose for themselves, a relation that they give in to make it even stronger.
But but but…..i feel I have always terribly failed in it. That’s why I have to always lose them. It hurts so much every time. I don’t want to undergo same pain again and again. For you others are far more important than me that for them you have to leave me. Every time we separated for one or other reason but then our decisions were mutual or I would support you but this time it was your decision to go leaving me but now it will be my decision and I don’t intend to take you back in my life. I feel torn each time I separate from you but this time it took all of me to stabilise myself and I don’t want to shatter once again.
I won’t break my resolve to not reconcile with you even if it requires me to give you little pain or myself.
He wiped away his tears and entered the room after an hour when he started feeling little cold. He looked at swara who hadn’t covered herself. Properly tucking her in the blanket, he ran his hand in his hairs. Picking up a pillow and blanket he arranged the sofa for his sleep. He thought that may be it will require a lot more effort from him to keep her from himself but he will not forgive her or accept her and when she finally will not be in his life it may take some time but he will learn living without her……… permanently as he lived in the last month without her.
Sanskar’s pov over.
Next day morning-
Both swasan were sleeping. Sanskar soon woke up and looked through the room to realise that he has slept in his own room after one and half months. Then his gaze fell on swara who was still sleeping, memories came flooding in his mind and a small smile appeared on his lips which soon shrinked and vanished when he realised about the life he has chosen.
He got up and finding his clothes he went in washroom to freshen up. When he came back swara was still sleeping. He saw the time and it fifteen past seven. Strange she didn’t wake up till now. But sanskar instead of waking her went and combed his hair, thinking that he shouldn’t be concerned with her in any way.
How much ever sanskar wants to be alone, not to be concerned, resolves to not to make her a part of his life again but love is a very strong emotion. Even if hidden or submerged it has it’s effect. Through the mirror he consistently looked at her making an illusion that he is being ready.
Morning pooja would already be done and they both were extremely late. Sanskar started doing some office works when someone knocked the room door. He gaze once again went on swara and then he went to open the door.
Uttara standing by the door was giving a mischievous look to sanskar. She was sent by sujata to check why swasan didn’t come for pooja.
Sanskar- [casually] what happened uttara?
Uttara- that I should ask bhaiyaa. Well why didn’t you and bhabhi came for pooja. Maa sent me checkupon you both. What were you doing haan. [said smilingly as she thought everything is fine between her bhai and bhabhi now]
Sanskar- when I was ready it was already late for me to attend pooja and swara isn’t awake yet.
Uttara- what? Ohhh ok you wake her up and come down for breakfast. And bhaiyaa let bhabhi sleep early then only she will wake early naa. [and she ran away before he reacts to her teasing]
Sanskar looked on blankly at her teasing because he didn’t know whether he should be angry on her or smile on her teasing.
He came towards bed an set the alarm of about a minute later and kept at her side table and resumed his work.
A minute later the alarm rang and swara woke up from her sleep. She switched off the alarm still in laying position.
Swara saw in the room for snaskar to find him all ready and working and then she picked the clock to see the time and her eyes widen seeing the time.
Swara- ohh no I am so late. How could I sleep till so long. [to sanskar] and sanskar when you woke up, why didn’t you woke me up.
Sanskar was looking at all her actions through the corner of his eyes but he didn’t answer her back.
Swara- ohh hello I am asking you and you are busy in those files.
Sanskar looked up at her on hearing her usual cheerful and nonchalant tone. He was surprised by her calm composure.
Swara- arre say something.
Sanskar- I am not your assistant here to wake u up. [said in stern voice]
Swara- ohk sorry to ask you such my lord.
Swara was about to pull off the blanket and step down but immediately pulled the blanket more covering herself.
Swara- ohh no……[thought something and smiled] ahhmmm sanskar [didn’t respond] sanskar please listen naa it’s really important [again no response] please sanskar…sanskar.
Sanskar- [closing his files] what [a bit loud and sternly]
Swara- haan [a little taken aback by his tone] who..woh…pass me a kurti please. [sanskar narrowed his eyes at her] actually I slept in saree last night naa so ..it got opened in sleep it seems… so…if you can please [she said slightly with mischief but embarrassed too and turned red]
Sanskar widened his eyes but then composed himself and walked to cupboard. The first kurti which came in his hands he just threw in her directions without turning.
Swara- thank you.
She quickly wore the kurti and stepped down the bed.
Swara- ouch..[winced slightly in pain]
Sanskar immediately turned towards her hearing her wince.
Sanskar- what happened.
Swara- my ankle that got hurt yesterday, I just kept it little hardly on the floor in hurry.
Sanskar- is the pain….[he stopped realising that again he is getting inclined towards her]
Swara- [looked at him who stopped in mid and smiled sadly and answered his unasked question] no it’s much better. I think will be alright today if I kept low pressure on it. Pain is almost gone only the swelling is there.
Swara said while opening the crape bandage he tied.
Precap- swara tried to be like before. Swara in office. Sanskar again burst on her and then a confrontation between swasan where sanskkar will ask her-
Sanskar- what type of punishment I should give you. Physical, mental or emotional.
Thanks for the comments and support.
Sorry but can’t reply back but I do read your comments.
And neither sanskar is selfish nor swara. Both are messed up in their own emotions thoughts and needs.