Story : Friendship or Love (Chapter 5)


Chapter-5 ( Fear )

This was what he feared. Losing her and losing himself too. He had lost his own self a few years ago and she was the one who had collected the remnants of his soul and joined them. But now, there was no ‘she’. There was no one he could hold on to. He knew he was thinking about himself only but she was his need. She was his solace and he couldn’t let her go. He didn’t want to let her go away.
But she was going away. He was thinking to ask her out. But now all his dreams were shattered. He blamed himself for being so late. Had he been swift in his actions, then there wouldn’t be any problem. Samrat uncle and Piyali aunty would have readily agreed for their marriage.
He felt frustrated and helpless. He couldn’t let her go. He told himself continually. He loved her and she too…
He stopped abruptly when realization dawned upon him. What if she didn’t feel the same for him? And he was the only one ranting about her. That’s possible. Maybe that’s the reason she too agreed for the marriage.
He just wanted to kill Adarsh for everything what was happening.
But then another thought struck him. What if she too loved him and said yes because she thought that he didn’t love her? Like he was thinking earlier. That can be possible. After all he had never told her that he loved her.
Yeah he had once told her that he wanted to marry her but she would have considered it a joke like always.
God. What a girl was she? Always assuming things based on her silly logics.

Sam was sitting in her room with her friends. Pranav, Hanan, Shrujal and Lavanya were joking with each other. These guys were now married and still acted like kids. She smiled internally at their childishness. She couldn’t help going back to the conversation she had with Pranav the other night when she had called him to invite him for the wedding.
‘’Hey, Pranav, it’s me Sam.’’, she said thinking if he didn’t have her number.
‘’I don’t know any Sam. Are you sure you dialled the right number?’’, came the reply.
‘’It’s me Samaira Khanna..’’ she spoke doubting if she didn’t call the right person.
‘’Why do I feel that I still don’t know you?’’, he teased.
She realized it could be none other than him. ‘’Pranav….’’, she yelled into the phone.
‘’Calm down, sweetheart. I know you missed me, but there isn’t any need to shout and tell the whole world.’’
‘’I’ll kill you….’’, Sam roared.
‘’I don’t want to die so soon. I am just married and I don’t have any kids to make sure of my species’ survival. So please don’t kill me.’’, he chuckled while talking.
‘’ENOUGH!!!! Just stop this childishness. And since you didn’t feel the need to even inform me about your marriage, I don’t think that I should invite you for mine. Fair enough?’’, Sam said. She was surprised that he got married this soon. She knew he loved Lavanya but she never imagined that he would be that fast with the marriage and now he was talking about kids too.
‘’What? When? How? Congrats… When’s the wedding?’’, he yelled.
‘’I know you feel bad about me dumping you, but there is no need to get hysterical about that.’’, she smirked playing his same trick.
‘’Cut it Sam. Tell me when did he propose you? He didn’t tell me. I am gonna deal with Neil later, but right now you tell me about it.’’, he said in mock anger.
Why is everyone thinking about her and Neil’s marriage?
‘’You don’t need to deal with him.’’, Sam said.
‘’Protective, are we?’’, he teased.
‘’I am not getting married to him.’’ She said emotionlessly.
‘’What? Now I really need to meet him soon.’’, he said the last sentence to himself but Sam heard him.
‘’Why do you still have to meet him?’’, she asked.
‘’None of your concern sweetheart. Just send me the details and I’ll be there.’’
She knew he was hiding something but she couldn’t get a finger on it. So she let it slide.
‘’Bring your wife too.’’, she teased.
‘’Sure honey. I am sure you’ll love her. You won’t feel that she is my second woman.’’, he said playfully and hung up.

She was still thinking about that night when Lavanya snapped her fingers in front of her saying, “Earth to Sam..”
“Yeah…”, she replied.
“What happened, Sam?”, Hanan asked concerned.
“Nothing…. Maybe just nervousness.”, she replied knowing too well that she couldn’t lie to them. They would never buy her excuses.
“Sorry for being blunt Sam, but I don’t think you should marry him. I am not having any good thoughts about it.” Shrujal piped in.
“What do you mean?”, she asked confused. She knew none of them liked Adarsh, but what was wrong in giving him a chance?
“I don’t think this marriage will work…”,Shrujal trailed off looking at Sam’s face for any reaction.
She just didn’t say that. How could she? Sam knew she was being ridiculous but Shrujal’s intuitions were never wrong. She couldn’t ignore the knot forming in her stomach. She knew they didn’t want her to be with Adarsh, but she couldn’t adhere to their demands.
“Maybe..maybe not.”, Sam said giving them a small smile.
“Look Sam, you don’t need to do this… we know you are doing this for Abhay and aunty………”
“No… you got it…..”,Sam was cut off in the mid by Pranav’s dismissive hand.
“You don’t need to hide it from us.. It’s high time you think about yourself Sam…”, Lavanya said.
“All your life you have thinking about them and doing things for them. You need to live a little for yourself” Hanan added.
I am living for myself, she wanted to say but stopped when Shrujal’s eyes told her that she knew otherwise. She knew it was better to keep her mouth shut when none of them was going to listen to what she had to say in her defence.
“You don’t need to marry him for their sake. I am going to talk to aunty about it.. How can she force you to marry such a guy?”, Shrujal ordered her around.
“No, none of you is going to do such a thing. If you guys really care for me then just wish me luck..” she put her hand up stopping them to speak.
“Anyways, why are you thinking that this marriage won’t work? Why can’t you wish the positive, for once?” she scolded rather than asking.
“You guys don’t want to see me happy.”, she stated sullenly.
“No, we really do… but with someone who can keep you happy. We want to see you smiling for yourself not for others..”,Hanan said.
“So why can’t I marry him?”, she asked.
“You started it again, Sam. He won’t keep you happy..” Lavanya stated as a matter of fact.
“Why won’t he?”, she asked.
“ ‘Cause he is not the one for you.”, Pranav said. Since when did he started believing in these things?
“Who is the one for me then…?”, she asked still not wanting to lose it to them. She wasn’t backing off now. True, she was doing this for mom and Abhay, but that was in the beginning. Things changed when she got to know Adarsh. She had been going out with him since a week or two. And now she thought that this was her chance. Her chance to be happy. To be with someone who would care for her. To be free of being desperate. This was her chance to move on. From him and his memories and that too for better. She couldn’t imagine herself loving Adarsh like a wife but she could definitely imagine them as friends. Love wasn’t necessary for this relation but care, respect, concern and understanding were needed to work out this marriage of theirs. She had never thought of herself as a wife expect for one’s whose she knew was not possible to be. She had never thought of her loving anyone but him. She had never thought of having a child expect with him. She knew this was idiotic but she couldn’t help herself from imagining her being loved by him. She knew she sounded stupid but there were things she never wanted to do with anyone expect him. She knew what marrying Adarsh meant. No more hoping or desperate waiting for the one.
All she got for her query was silence. None of them was going to answer that question. Everyone was quiet and guilty. She could see that in their eyes which were ignoring to come in contact with hers. Seeing this as a chance to make her point, she continued softly, “Maybe he will make me happy. Maybe he is my prince charming. Maybe he will care for me, love me the way I want to be loved. Understand me. Care for me. Maybe he is the one for me……….And even if he is not, what’s there to worry? I can be with him just as friends. Or I can divorce him if this marriage doesn’t work. But let me try first. What is the big deal about taking a little risk for myself?”
“Little risk? You call marriage a little risk? Are you even hearing yourself? You were the one to teach us about what a marriage meant. You were the one who told us how beautiful such a relation was and now you are the one calling marriage a risk?”, Hanan whisper yelled.
“I am not saying that this marriage is a risk. All I am saying is that it is my chance. My key to a beautiful solace you call love. My ticket to happiness.”, she said, her eyes welling up with tears. Why was it so hard to think about loving someone else and being loved by them? Why was it so hard to think about being happy without him? Why was it too damn hard to not cry while thinking of her marriage with someone else? Someone she didn’t love when she could marry the one she loved? When she could be with him?
No. She couldn’t be with him. She couldn’t marry him. Not even in her dreams. She couldn’t..
As she saw Pranav trying to soothe her, she heard a knock on the door and saw her dad standing there. “Can I talk to you Sam…..Alone…” he asked and she found her friends scurrying out of the room like frightened mice.
“Why were you crying, princess?”, her dad asked. Talk about being straight forward. She sighed.
“Nothing dad. They just made me remember the old times. You don’t need to worry yourself.”, she said in her most calm voice begging desperately that he would buy it.
“I do need to worry about the ‘nothing’ which made my princess cry and I too miss those old times when my princess used to tell me everything about her adventures.”, her dad said pulling her for a hug and caressing her back.
This was what she feared. Being confronted by the person she could never lie. Being confronted by her knight in shining armour. Being confronted by the man she loved the most. Being confronted by him. By the one who had been her guardian angel. Her first love and her last too. She could never dream of lying to him who taught her what truth meant. Who taught her that truth was something which would give us pain but would help us heal too unlike lies which could stab you anytime and leave you with no remedy. He told her what truth signified. It signified innocence. Honesty. Care. Love. He made her feel what being trusted meant. He told her that the world was not perfect. People have their own flaws and their weaknesses, but it is upto us to love them for their flaws. To help them overcome their weaknesses. He taught her how to fight for herself. He taught her how to stand against the wrong. He taught her fighting the wrong wasn’t easy. It was the hardest thing but letting wrong win over right was not less a sin. He taught her how people were tangled up in the mess they created. How unloved and uncared they felt. He told her not to judge anyone. He told her that he would always love her no matter what. He told her what love meant. He told her that loving someone was not wrong. What was wrong was to love someone for their goodness while hating them for their flaws instead of accepting them. He told her what life was. He was the one who taught her to stand, to walk and to run. He was the one who taught her how to speak. He was the one to hold her when she fell. He was the one to scold her for doing something wrong and sooth her the same time. He was the one who taught her to be honest with those whom we love. He never made promises he couldn’t fulfil. He never told her that he would protect her from the worst the world was planning for her, instead he taught her how to fight against the world. He stood by her like a rock which couldn’t whisper sweet nothings to her but which she could hold on to when the water current tried to take her with it.
Remembering all that he had done for her, his princess, she sobbed hard. She sobbed recalling those times when she would play pranks on her relatives and he would play along with her. She sobbed recalling the time when he got to know what Anil did. He wasn’t furious over Anil, instead he was furious at himself thinking that he had not taught her to fight. He was helpless, knowing that whatever happened was due to the lack of his upbringing. He thought he couldn’t be a good father when he couldn’t teach his daughter how to protect her from this place we called world. She sobbed recalling how he always had her back. She sobbed realizing she couldn’t be what her dad wanted her to be.
“I love you princess.”, he said caressing her head.
She sobbed harder realizing no man could ever love her the way he did. No one could be so caring like him. No one could be perfect like him. She wanted to be in his arms forever. She didn’t want to leave his side and face the wrath of the world. She didn’t want to let go his finger which she had held unto till now. But she knew otherwise. She knew she couldn’t be with him always. He had never told her to turn her back towards her problems. Instead he had told her to face them bravely. He had fulfilled his responsibility teaching her how to fight her inner sadness, how to fight wrong, now it was her duty to be brave and face everything she was destined to.
“I love you dad.. I always have. I always will.”, she said still crying.
“Princess, I know you will. Know that too that I will always hold on to you. I will always look out for you. I will always help you stand up after falling.”, he said promisingly and she knew what it meant.
“Promise..?”, she asked holding on to him like she did when she had fell off her bicycle while trying to learn riding it. He had promised her then too and he had kept his promise. He had held on to her all the while she was pedalling.
“Promise.. princess. I promise that you will be the only one to hold my finger. I promise that you will find me smiling at you whenever you turn around.”, he said, his eyes too tearing up.
She couldn’t see him crying. She could be anything but the reason for his tears. His weakness. He had told her to never let our loved ones be weak.
“No dad…”, she said wiping his tears. “ Please don’t. I love you dad.”, she said her voice cracking.
“Tell me Sam, what’s bothering you? You know I won’t judge or pity you. You know you can trust me……….” He paused thinking about something. “.. Do you tr……”
“No dad. Don’t say that. You know what you mean to me. You know I trust no one more than you..” she said breaking down.
And then she did. She told him everything. That she loved Neil. That all those years, she rejected all those proposals waiting for him. She told him everything she had hidden from him since long.
“This marriage is off Sam.”, he said.
“No dad. Why?”, she pleaded.
“What why Sam? You love Neil.”
“But he doesn’t.”
“How do you know that? Have you ever asked him?”
“I just know that.”
“You know nothing Sam. You don’t know how much hurt I am seeing my princess sacrificing her happiness. Seeing you doing things no one would do. You don’t know how helpless I felt seeing you cry. You don’t know..’
“I know dad what I am doing. I am not sacrificing anything. I am trying to be happy dad. I can’t wait for him. I am tired of it. Tired of meeting his new girlfriends and smiling at them when deep down I desperately want to be in their place. I am tired dad, tired of acting unaffected and craving for his love when all he sees in me is a weakling, a puny who is his best friend. I can’t fight anymore. I can’t do what I have been doing since years. I can’t…. I need to move on. To stop thinking about him. To stop hoping that he will ever love me the way I do. Why can’t I try dad? Why can’t I be happy?”, she queried in between her sobs.
“I don’t want to lose what we have dad. I don’t want to be not able to look after him as my best friend. I know he doesn’t love me. Isn’t it obvious? If he loved me, he wouldn’t be making me meet his girlfriends. He doesn’t even know what I feel for him. He doesn’t know how it hurts seeing him with someone else.”, she blubbered.

Samrat knew he couldn’t do anything other than agree with her. Other than to concede to her demands. To fulfil her wishes. He was helpless. He had let her once and he would do it again. He would let her be. He would see her breaking down. He would see her falling, but he would help her stand too. But would never be able to join the remnants of her broken soul. He would never be able to gather the shattered pieces of her heart. He would never be able to give her what she deserved. He didn’t know if he could see her smile after all that. He wasn’t sure about being able to see her happy when this marriage broke. He knew this relation wouldn’t work. He knew this marriage was a failure. Yet he would let her. He would let her marry Adarsh and break down. He would let her face the world, like he did earlier. He would let her do things which will hurt her. He would let her make mistakes. He would see her cry even when he knew that her each tear would break his heart a million times over. He would let her. He would let her stab herself. Because this was what he had been doing till now. Letting her die a slow death, killing herself a million times over. And this was what he would do. Stand back and let her suffer. Let her struggle for each breath. And be a coward himself. Like he had always been. A bystander. An audience.


She was hurt.
He was trying to soothe her.

She was broken.
He was putting the pieces together.

She was shattered.
He was trying repairing her.

She was tired.
He was supplying her fuel.

She was lost.
He was holding the lantern.

She was empty.
He was finding ways to end those spaces.

She was drained.
He was filling her up.

She was crying.
He was wiping her tears.

She was ill.
He was her medicine.

She was sad.
He was cheering her up.

She was alone.
He was walking along her.

She was ruined.
He was bringing her the remnants.

She was dead.
He was pumping his live in her.

She was the damsel in distress.
He was her knight in shining armour.

She was an optimist always ranting about the good things in life. She would go on and on blabbering about the gifts life gave her. She indeed was fortunate to have such a life. Her life was favourable to her. Always. Wasn’t it?

And his life. It was the worst thing to live his life. Fate had always been cruel with him. Destroyed him. Broken him. Shackled him. Tortured him. Betrayed him. Pushed him. Left him all by himself. Alone. Shattered. In the dark. Life could never be any worse. For anyone. He thought.

And people would crib over their fate. There was a time when he too cribbed over his past. He held himself guilty and unfortunate. But he changed now. It wasn’t that he forgot all of it. Instead he remembered every little bit. But now he had started moving on. He told himself that he wasn’t guilty. And that fate had wanted it to happen. And there was no use crying over the past and spoiling his present. His life. Her.
Yet he watched many people cry and hold grudge against themselves, their past or someone else. All over, he saw people blaming life to be the way it was. But her. She was different. She had problems too. But she would never complain. Instead she would cheerfully solve them waiting for the good time. And it did come. Her good time.

He remembered her speaking incessantly about her life at the dinner table. She would be on cloud nine while speaking her heart out. Interestingly her talks wouldn’t be sadistic but positive. She would remember the good times. And he would listen it all. It would be really wondrous to listen about life being good to someone. To her. Once he tried interrupting and asking her something but she was so immersed in her talks that he avoided asking her anything. It would give him immense pleasure to see her like that. Lively. Chirpy. Happy.

She was like him. Wasn’t she? Actually like the old him. He was just as happy, cheerful, stress-free, excited as her until the high school. Though she wasn’t like this earlier. She was chubby, shy, confused, nervous, clumsy and a complete introvert. But that was when he was around. At other times, she was simply insane, freaking crazy, senselessly stupid and so talkative. He came to know about it later.
He knew he couldn’t let her go now. Now when her smile was the reason of his. Now when she was the one he wanted, he needed. Now when she was his solace. His home. His happiness. His comfort. His strength. His only reason. His breath. His obsession. His everything. How could he let her go now?
He knew what he had to do now and nobody could stop him. Not even she herself.


It was weeks now since he last saw her. And it was weeks now since he had humiliated her. Pointed a finger at her character. Threw insults at her. And it was weeks now since he was living in a hell. More like dying a slow, painful death. He was killing himself a million times over. Every time he recalled her weeping face, his heart died a million deaths. It was weeks now since he last met his own eyes.
He was wasted completely by now. There were no more little smiles, no more optimism, no more arrogance. There was nothing left now. He was effortlessly drunk at every hour of the day. He knew there was nothing left now. The Arjun who would smile all day and make everyone laugh at his expense was dead now. The Arjun who would never be satisfied until he saw a glimpse of his love was buries six feet under the ground.
He could never smile now. Now when the reason of his happiness was upset with him. Neil was there for him but he knew that neither Neil nor anyone else could bring him back from the endless pit of darkness he fell into. Except her. Her single smile would light up his never ending moonless night.
But as unfortunate as he was, he couldn’t get her smile. Not now. Not ever. He couldn’t even see her now. He couldn’t even bring himself to apologise to her. He felt disgusted by himself. He felt worthless when he couldn’t make her happy. Instead he made her cry.
It was a week now since Arjun had locked him up in his penthouse. A week since he saw any sign of life. And it was a week full of swinging emotions. At times, he wanted to shout her name so loud that his voice reached her. At other times, he wanted to kill himself for the misery he was in.
He was devastated.
He was torturing himself.
He was begging for death.
He was ashamed.
He was distraught.
He was wrecked.
He was defeated.
He was cracked.
He was abandoned.
He was deserted.
He was isolated.
He was everything but a man who could love his woman.
And this was what wounded him. Pained him the most. The thing he had been dreading since years, had finally injured him. his biggest fear had finally come true. The fear of separation from his love. His Radhika. And now he was done. From this world, this misery and this life too. He was done from everything a human felt. Except the pain which he was fated to.

Hey guys..
So how was it?
Tell me pls.. like really please.
I know its late, but its like what it is going to be.
I know I sound b*t*hy right now, but its like I always am.
I know I didn’t reply to your comments, but it wasn’t what it looked like.
To be honest, this month has been like, ‘Kill me right now.’
I don’t know why I am writing all this bullshit. But it is……….
Arghhhhhhhh… I can’t find any words right now.
All in all, I am being so frustrated and irritated and many more..
I wanna shout f**king hell but seems like I can’t. cos everyone is making me seem guilty when all the while I am the victim…
Does this make sense????????
No… that’s what I thought.
Isn’t it true that the people we love the most are unfortunately the ones who hurt us a million time over unknowingly or knowingly?
Isn’t it true that we all blame life for being like it is at some point of time or other, even though we are the biggest optimists?
Isn’t it true that sometimes our own people leave us behind? Alone. Shattered. Broken. Tired. Frightened. All by ourselves.
Isn’t it true that we don’t realize we are holding on to things which are over. Regretting over our past when we can have a wonderful future?
I am just stating those things which have going on in my mind since long. Its just that once in a while my oh so philosophical side comes out.
Do I sound like someone else? Cause I am pretty sure I have heard something among the lines of my philosophical side.
This is like hell. I can’t blo*dy speak a f**king sentence without cursing for once.

Ahh… sorry a million gazillion times for all this .

Take care. Love you all. Stay happy {even if your life f**king sucks}. Stay healthy.
And do comment.
Until next time.

and do check out my other story- Being Me

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  1. Awesome episode 🙂

  2. Fabulous as always Anu you write amazing well…. loved Neil and Arjun POV on their feelings …now I am waiting to see what Arjun will do get Radhika back…waiting for the next 🙂 stay blessed 🙂

  3. superb anu……..after a long time finally u posted thanks…….n the update is awesome plz post next soon don’t be delay

  4. Sweetie

    Hey Anu..Awesome chapter it is..I loved the way you brought out the emotions of Sam,Neil and Arjun..The answers to all your questions is a big “YES”.Life can be b**chy sometimes and also the people involved in it..Give time some time..It will definitely clear out all the issues..?Waiting for the next..Stay blessed and keep smiling.. 🙂

  5. Fabulous Chappy Anu… sam n Samrat part s nice… loved d way u said abt the relationship Father… wish Neil wud speak up or samrat cud do something… Arjjunn…. waiting 4 his repentance n apology.. eager 4 nxt one… abt ur footnotes… yup.. its so true wat u have said.. turns hell when ppl conclude things themselves abt us n say tats wat I meant or I am… I used 2 think.. y it happens with me alone!??????? Nw seems like many do suffer.. wat 2 say.. anyways.. Take care… find a escapism so tat u can relax urself n be urself aftr facing everyday blame game.tats wat I do.. I hit gym evry eve to bring myself back.cause i wud feel lyk yelling n thrashing anything in anger..and tats not good.. I blabbered a lot in cmmnt section… eager 4 next updates..

  6. wow ….mind blowing episode……….eagerly waiting next one …

  7. Loved it dr…superb update..plz post nxt soon

  8. Lakshmi05

    Superb update dear… Waiting for next one…. Tc…

  9. Hey… plz updt more regularly. … n today’s part is full f emotions …. no story… it’s I pointed out that cuz am nt into emotional dramas… waiting for ur nxt updt ???

  10. Hey….dnt wanna hurt u….but try modify ur way of writing a bit….at few places it felt as if story is not moving at all…and stuck around one pole
    ….as if u hv put in all the possible ways to describe a situation all together….it gets bit boring….like all the synonyms hv been used in a string….try to make it a bit sharp

  11. Suga

    Fabulous one 🙂 loved it 🙂 it’s amazing one dear 🙂 superbbbbbbbb superbbbbbbbb superbbbbbbbb 🙂 loved it 🙂

  12. It was a lovely chapter full of emotions, u wrote so well that I felt each and every emotion. Loads of love to u

  13. Nice,dear.Try to update nxt chappy aeap..

  14. Awesome, wowwww lovely marvellous outstanding episode. …it’s really superbbbb anu….loved it very very much. …love you loads

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