I lay on my bed with frustration engrossing me every second. I have tried on all means to just shut my brain down and keep the thoughts away but the memories recollected and it pained again. I recited some rhymes that I had learned in nursery, which I had recommended my patients, at the time of stress. I tried solving problems and then counting up-to hundred but urghh! nothing’s working.
I so want to break something but all of a sudden my eyes went moist and I burst into silent sobs. Gripping onto my shirt, I cry out. My brain and heart not synchronizing and are just out of control. I close my eyes as to relax myself but the threads connect again. Here I am again, feeling like I am not wanted, feeling like I am worthless and even though I am alive, feeling dead. I slowly crawled onto the bed for my pillow and hide my face. I didn’t want to show my weakness not even the walls of this room.
My phone beeps in vibration as I looked for it and cut the call. I have no intentions for anyone to disturb me now, overall I didn’t want to burst out upon someone and regret for it later. The continuous calls disturbs me and I switch it off. I want peace in my life of hell. Moments later, my bed room door flung open and there she was.
Rubbing all the wetness from my cheeks, I get up and look at her. She stands there, crossing her hands across her chest in anger.
“Why the hell are you not picking up my calls?”she stands in the same posture making me smile a bit, she was so cute in anger!
“Umm… I told you, I want peace” I bit my lip as I know what is coming next.
“Did anyone say peace means solitude? Have you gone f**king crazy Swara? It’s going to be a week you didn’t come out of your room. I know you are stubborn but this much? Like seriously, you are acting like a kid who cries for a mere puffy cotton candy?”
“But he said, he loved me” and the silence barge in the room. She just looks at me with so much of irritation, anger and hurt that I felt even more worse. I was making my best friend sad by hurting myself.
“Karan has just confessed, a confession has to be a part of your new life. Swara I’m not saying that you are wrong or he is right or it’s not like I am judging you both it’s just that we should let it go that’s not meant for us. He loves you, cares for you but what you gave him? You say that you can never love anyone then why bother about him?”
“He is my bestie Niki” the obvious answer that I tell everybody.
“Just that? Okay, you just feel that much for him but he feels much more than that for you. He loves you, he loves you damn it! He has been loving you since past seven years. But he didn’t get anything. When you can’t reciprocate his feelings, why are you making him weak? I am happy that he got something into his brains and went. If he was here then he would have been still stuck with you. Both of you need to start anew. Starting today, you need to forget what’s gone, appreciate what still remains and look forward for what is coming next”
“Is it that easy?”my eyes pained, it’s been a week I didn’t sleep.
“Not easy yet not difficult!”
“But Niki he is my best friend. We have been together since so long and I really want him to be with me forever!”I sit down on the bed and palm my face. I was missing my bestie Karan. He had just fled off to his hometown Kolkata and it’s been half a month, he had stopped contacting me and changed his number. I hate him! How could he just give me such a big punishment just because I didn’t feel the same for him? It’s not my fault. I have never been in love with anyone and have no intentions in future as well. I, Karan and Niki had been best buddies since eighteen and now suddenly he left us. I was more hurt than Niki maybe because he was more close to me.
“That’s why I’m telling you to move on too. Let him just be at peace as he needs time. I am sure he’ll come back as soon as he thinks everything is alright! Sometimes our lives have to be completely shaken up, changed and rearranged to relocate us to the place we are meant to be” she hugs me sideways, patting my shoulder.
“Then what do you think I should do?” I am curious, she was like my puppeteer now, only she has answers to my unanswered problems.
“You are acting like your psycho patients. I think you need a doctor now” I rolled my eyes at her. “The thing you should do is detach. Detach yourself from the memories that’s all and distract yourself with something else” she spoke the last word so effectively that my brain consumed it in an instant. I agree sometimes my brain worked slow and sometimes too fast, it definitely had some defects!!
“Now smile” Niki looks at me and I smile falsely. “Aww… a kiss for this s*xy lady” and she kisses my cheeks, licking a little to irritate me.
“Yeww..!”I rubbed my cheeks as I could locate some saliva and then burst into laughter. It had been days I didn’t laugh and I have missed this so much. We laugh till our cheeks hurt and tears shot. When we have our friends around us, we don’t need a proper reason to laugh.
“What’s that? That read packet?”my eyes noticed the packet set at my study table. Niki quietly gets up and smiles at me with puppy eyes.
“This is a dress for my dear little princess” she offered me the packet, indicating me to see what’s inside. I peeped into the packet and slowly poured it out into the bed, a dress!
“What’s this?”my suspicions growing each second.
“This is a dress, my princess” I roll my eyes again at her drama. “Okay fine, we are going for a party” she sighs.
“Party? Huh.. No way!”
“No”I shriek discomfited.
“I am not asking you Swara, I am ordering and if you don’t come get ready to see my other shades” it felt like a warning. I didn’t want to care but I did and I know it. “We are going out to a nightclub for clubbing get ready by eight. Do you understand?”she almost howls at my ear and I jump in fear. She is so scary sometimes, like my mom! I nodded not knowing what to answer. “Good!”and she left me in the room.
Niki and I stay in the same apartment in Mumbai, often called the city of dreams. Well for me it’s the city of both dreams and helplessness. I was fed up from my family, staying at Goa, and came here for my studies. My friends are my life and I have no one dear to them not even my parents.
Friends are the siblings God never gave us. I cannot even imagine where I would be today were it not for that handful of friends who have given me a heart full of joy. Friends make life a lot more fun.
We work our entire lives building friendships. From preschool, where we all learn that “it takes a friend to make a friend,” through adulthood, where we mingle at bars and water coolers, we crave closeness with other human beings.
We just need to know that someone out there “gets us.”
Whether we have a small group of close friends or an expanded group of personalities, each of our friendships brings something new to our lives, inspiring us to see the world a totally different way, giving us a new shoulder to lean on, and a new cheerleader to root us on.
Friendships come in all sorts of forms: serious ones, like the college friend we discuss politics with, silly ones, like the squad you do Halloween with, chill ones, like your wine and Netflix buddy. Some friendships even turn into something more.
Each friendship offers something totally unique — and irreplaceable. Each friendship ultimately makes us who we are.
This is why we spend so much time cultivating these relationships and learning how to be a good friend. This is why we show up after breakups, at graduations, at weddings, and at funerals. This is why near or far, our friends hold a special place in our hearts forever.
We all know, a true friend is hard to find. So when you do find one, hang on tight! It also doesn’t hurt to let your best friends know every now and then just how much they mean to you. They are like the medicine for a wounded heart and vitamins for a hopeful soul.
Lying back down on my bed, I sigh and thought how to start anew. But the hard is trying to rebuild yourself, piece by piece, with no instruction book, and no clue as to where all the important bits are supposed to go. So I’ll take a deep breath, pick myself up, dust myself up and start all over again..!
So this chapter is basically dedicated to my friends close to me as well as far away, whom I miss daily.
So readers please comment and tell me how’s the part!
Vote and comment!!..