Hey everyone…long time huh?… Managed to write one chp for u…sorry if i disappointed u…nd plz comment…silent readers …..olz comment….a bit less comments on my last post..so.i really didn’t want to post…but i did…so plz encourage me..love u all..don’t know when d next chp will be up….
Its not that no good things were happening. Its just that things were changing and changing far more quickly than I expected. What I feared more than me losing him, was him losing himself. The Shravan Malhotra whom I met was a guy who could charm anyone with his flirtatious yet innocent nature. But now anger and ego were suppressing those feelings of love and what pained me more was, that I felt I was the cause.
After some months when I got out of my selfish zone, I saw that he loved me, really. As days passed, his constant efforts to win over my heart were making me weaker and weaker. And now as I look back I see that not only he changed but I also transformed into someone who was more emotional, more caring and more sensitive.
Its not like I was not any of these things before but the point is that while I was with him, I started expressing these feelings openly. At first he pampered me, he would come to cheer me with the three magical words when I was upset, wink while I was scolding him and bring a smile on my face or crack a joke while I was crying. He understood me but he never let me understand him. I knew him but I could never understand him cause he never let me. That invisible wall never broke. How much ever I tried but he never opened up. He broke my trust so often that at last very little was left. He didn’t trust me and he didn’t allow me to trust him.
Trust was all that was needed.
So I did have a diary. And basically it was meant for him to read because whatever I wrote, he read it. At times, when I wanted to say something to him while I was upset with him, I would give him my diary. This diary had everything that I ever wanted to say. I never mentioned any name in it but he would always understand whom I was talking about. So once while we were sitting with everyone else, I quietly passed him my diary and told him to write something for me. Although people kept peeping, at last he wrote it and I clearly remember the first few lines. It said, ” Hey, You know I love you very much but the problem is that I can’t trust you. You are a ditcher and your past makes me feel insecure. I care for you a lot and I can’t see you in pain. But so much would change if you would just say a yes.”
‘Ditcher’ , the word still echoes in my head. Although afterwards he was sorry about it but I knew just as all times, this time also it was another word to end the argument.
It hurt me and it still does that he failed to understand me. I was wrong to think that he would understand my part of the story. I thought he understood me but he didn’t. Time had made him insecure and blind. He just couldn’t trust me. Why couldn’t he? Even I trusted him even if he broke my trust a thousand times. He was growing increasingly possessive about me especially when I was around Adi. He didn’t trust me and he didn’t believe me and it remained the same till the end.