Chapter 18: Out of Sight, but not mind
Exactly one year after Sam’s departure
“No..i isn’t in mood tonight, go to sleep…”
Manya was pulling at my t-shirt trying to get it off me, but I kept rolling away from her. The only thing she ever thought about was s*x. But now I wasn’t in mood.
“Neil……” she yelled
“Damn it, Manya…Go to sleep or I will go to my home….I am tired and I am not in mood Goddamn it….”
She looked a little annoyed and tried to pull me at herself but I moved away from her and I guess finally she got the clue that I wasn’t in mood to messed with atleast..not tonight….i had too much things in my mind none of them of spending night with Manya. But my thoughts were occupied by other girl..who was once used to part of my life…
Sifting my arm around pillow and wrapping it close to my chest, I thought about everything was going in my life and how different it was now that Samaira Khanna had walked out of my life. Even thinking of her name made my heart hurt deep.i couldn’t expressed how I missed her presence in my life.
The night after her departure, I tried to bury myself in my sorrows. I went to Manya and tried to forget all. I let her take over my life, even with me doing that, I felt dirty. I disgust myself. My family hated me, since there was no Sam to hold balance in my life I threw myself into Manya’s life and in turn I lost most valued thing..My family..and Sam….
My family had never forgiven me for what happened with Sam. I still kick myself over and over again. I have tried numerous times to tell them that It was only misunderstanding but they never listened to me. They keep telling me that Sam was women ten times better than Manya would ever be.
Manya constantly asked me that why my family hates her so much I can never tell her. how do you tell your girlfriend that they hate you because of another girl they thought would be better for me? I knew if I tell manya about sam she would try to pull me away from my family. And I really don’t want to lose the more what I had already.
The only people that would talk to me were my father, Sid and Arjun but that was also limited when women in their lives weren’t around. My Mom never really looked at me anymore. She would speak when it necessary if she could avoid, she would. Nandini’s behavior towards me totally changed since Sam’s departure..her eyes were so cold and unforgiving and she never stays in same room when I was there. Radz always glares at me she know stuff about Sam but she never tells me. It was so frustrating. I wanted to ask so many questions about Sam, if she was happy there, but I knew there was no point. I heard Radz talking to her on the phone and I heard her asking promise from Radz to never tell me about her anything.
I knew my family was angry on me as I never tried contacting Sam..I had my reasons…everytime I scrolls my contact list and stares her name, never getting enough courage to push the button to call her. I ask myself why I so afraid to call woman who was unbreakable part of my life. I knew if I called she might get angry and call it off for all at once..i never ever ready to lose her forever..i know she would return in my life…so I choose to be a coward and not call at all. I hope she will come after sometimes and will give me chance to fix everything.
The fact that I truly missed her..somtimes miss wasn’t the word that I could describe my feelings about it, but I covered it most of the time. There so no point in denying that I missed her humor, her laughter when we did crazy things.Sam was major part of my universe, I never imagined my life without her…and by leaving me she hurt me , she could ever imagine. Plus I could not ever imagine how much she hates me,and I deserved that. It was just irritating to know that I didn’t get a chance to say or make up all the things.
Main problem was not contacting Sam was Manya. Th night when I introduced her to my family, she told me in indirect ways that she didn’t like Sam..and that she thought that Sam was after me and would try to get me away from her. At certain extent I knew Sam meant every word she utter at that night in garage and when Manya told me this thing, it hurts me..don’t know why…
Manya feared about Sam and did everything in her power to push her away from mind and heart. The picture of farewell party that sat on my dresser was thrown away when the first time she came to my room. She screamed at me and told me that I couldn’t have another woman picture in my room other than her.and quickly replace it with photo of herself. So I had to hide all the pictures of sam in my garage.
So my sleepless nights covered with only Sam’s thought..now it became routine….i turned to see manya sleeping and I hop out of bed and shut the door behind..leaving her alone was starting to become normal..I started my bike and came to my home..
As I went through hall and stood infront of staircase I couldn’t help but to remember about the farewell night and how beautifully she was standing at the top of staircase and I felt her presence in that moment.
Walking through my house I could feel sam’s existence everywhere..there wasn’t a place in my house that didn’t remind me of her. I went to kitchen and pulled a chilled water bottle from the refrigerator. I could hear my heavy breathing in that silence of night. I pulled the chair across to sit.
I looked over to my left to see my father standing in the door.
“What are you doing at this late hours, Nail? I thought you were with Manya…” his voice somewhat annoyed especially he didn’t like her at all.
“I was…but I came home….”
“what’s going on Neil? You seem like you are trying to be happy when you aren’t”
I wasn’t happy. My happiness wasn’t here anymore. I just existed, I didn’t live. Manya made me this. As much as I like her, there was something about her which refrain me from being happy.
“I’m fine dad…its nothing….”
“It’s Sam, isn’t it?”
“why do all my problems have to revolve around Sam?” I asked getting angry
“Because she is the only person that can make you sad like this and you couldn’t able to hit anyone for that…”
Sighing, I placed my head on the table and my father entered into room and sat on the chair.
“Neil, why haven’t you called Sam yet?” he asked
“I’m a coward dad…that’s why”
“you are not coward…what is the reason?”
“Manya and fear…”
“Manya has nothing to do with this…and you shouldn’t afraid of Sam..you guys shares the strongest bond to withstand any hurdle…”
“what if she yells at me…”
“what if sky falls and world ends today, would you want to die with this grief?” he asked , looking sincerely into my eyes.
He smiled as he stood “Neil, everything isn’t over yet…you can fix this mess if you want…its not too late…just think how you will figure it out…”
He went and left me alone there…I could hear opening and shutting sound of his door.looking around, I saw my phone lying on counter. I picked it up and scroll down her name. looking at clock I saw four in the morning here which meant 5.30 in evening there…Yess I know she was in Newyork, once I heard Radz and mom talking about it.
It was then I pushed the call button to dial and I watched the screen say that its connecting..i listened the phone ringing ..ring and ring..she didn’t pick up but I got her voicemail.
“Hey, this is Sam..if I’m not picking your call means I’m sleeping, working,busy…leave a message..i will get back to you..bye..”
I hung up before the beep. My mind was swimming with the sound of her voice.i hadn’t heard her voice for a year and when I heard it….it made my heart happy….purely and truly happy..
“Most of the people sleeps at this hour…”
Glancing at my right and found radz standing behind me in her night suite.
“then why are you awake?”
“ I heard some sound coming from downstairs so I came to check….why aren’t you with that b*t*h?”
“Sorry..but its true..she is cold hearted b*t*h…Neil..she is making you something that you aren’t….you do the things which you wouldn’t have done that if Sam would have been here…”
“sam isn’t here though, radz and she doesn’t want see my face…and you swore to her that you wouldn’t tell me anything…”
She stared at me for a while when I said that…I knew I would get yelling back but now I didn’t care. I needed to get reaction out of her because it might cause her to open her mouth and say something to me.
“Neil, why do you think Sam doesn’t want you to know about her….think about it…”
Radz’s question confused me and made me think on everything. She had to be happy there..right?i had to ask..i had to know.
“radz, what’s going on with her? she wouldn’t find out that you told me about her…Please…”
She looked into my eyes deep and she sighed before started
“Sam has been having some very bad nightmares since she left…she wakes hers self screaming at times…Kriti trying hard to make her to date someone….but she won’t…even Aramaan keeps trying to get her to go out with him..but…she won’t…”
“Armaan Arora?” I asked I felt anger started to fill in my body.
Armaan Arora..That I guy I had seen on our graduation who gave her roses…And I felt weird around him..i wanted to keep Sam away from him…what is he doing In NewYork?
“Yeah,…he is doing his masters from the same university like Sam…and working with his company’s project there…he goes to see her lot of times and ask her to go out with him….and I hope she is going to say him yess very soon…”
The thought of Armaan with Sam bothered me too much…why it bothering me? I should be happy that finally she has decided to date someone..
“Neil, this things Kriti told me not Sam..so purposely I didn’t broke her promise…but one thing I knew that Sam is sad..she was trying hard to be happy…but she can’t..it was like her purpose of life has gone…she is just doing this for the sake of life….she really misses you..even though she can’t admit…”
Hearing that she too missed me made my heart ache…how much I missed her was unexplainable but she too missed me make me hurt more…
“what are you doing ?” she asked
“I tried calling her” I replied staring at ground
Radhika surprised me when she smirks. She walked and wrapped her arms around me..
“You never going to forget her…the love you two share will never die…” she whispered and places a quick kiss on my forehead before she left.
The Love You Two Share Will Never Die…
Radhika’s words tugged my heart. Why ? why does it matters? I’m with Manya..though I was confused..but our relationship was good except the demanding stuff…so, why did Radz words bother me?
After one month…
Manya was becoming more demanding and needy day by day. For the past few days I spend time with her family and friends. I was avoiding coming home.
Her friends started to ask me that when we two gonna get married.Marrige??I wasn’t ready for it…I was always chance to sneak away from Manya..its was moment of treasure..
And I always spent my time in garage..the only place me and Sam used share many times.
One day I was pulling the door of my garage closed, I heard sound of people coming from outside. I quickly pulled the door, since I didn’t want Manya to notice it. I saw Manya, sid and Arjun standing outside.
She called..i looked over to sid and arjun they was trying to hide their laughter as they knew how I hate someone calling me baby..but I couldn’t react cos I don’t want to listen her yelling..
She forcefully entered in garage and started to wonder around. She went towards Sam’s couch and pick up some of books of her. I didn’t say anything but I could feel anger building in my body at the sight of someone touching Sam’s stuff.
“Baby I didn’t know you like to read? Why so many books here?”
“Leave that stuff there…” I said, my voice sounds annoyed
She turned to look at me as if I have done something wrong.. I never restrict her from doing something. So telling her that it was like she wasn’t used to hear it from me.
“Excuse me?” she looked at me with annoyance..
“I said..put that books down…..leave them alone..” I said back with equal annoyance….
“You didn’t tell me if I couldn’t do something, did you? You know how I feel when people do that…”
“I don’t give you damn if it makes you glad or mad..put them down….” I yelled
Sid and Arjun were looking at the situation. They were watching each other that what going to happen next.
“why its matter..its your garage…”
“Yeah but that stuff aren’t mine…”
Soon her eyes turned into fire and she glared back at me as if she found something
“This belong to her,doesn’t it?” she said greeting her teeth
I didn’t say word but turned to look at my brother and my friend.
“Does this belongs to her?” she asked showing them to Arjun and Sid
Both of them looked at me for help. They knew it will cause trouble if they blurt truth..but there was not point lying to her..i nodded to them.
“This belongs to Sam..” Arjun said “ So I advice you to put them as it is…”
She jerks around to glare at me and she threw books on couch…
“why do you have her stuff in garage” I told you to get rid of everything that reminds her..”
“I’m not your slave to take your all orders..” I yelled
By this time we were face to face yelling at each other..
“ you can’t forget her..its always Sam this and Sam that…I’m your girlfriend and you can’t able to forget this other woman…” she screamed
“what do you expect? She is my friend since I was ten, I can’t forget her…”
“Yes..you can..go and burn her stuff outside….”
“No..its not mine to burn Manya…”I stood firm on my thoughts..
She stood there her arms cross against her chest and glared draggers at me..i wasn’t used to yelling at someone…but I couldn’t take her words and couldn’t burn Sam’s stuff just to please her.
“Whatever Neil..Next time I won’t tolerate this..” she turned around and left for her home tapping her foot in anger.
I leaned on the wall next to me and closed my eyes to clean my thoughts…If she thinks I could do anything that will hurt Sam for her..then she was wrong…the thought of doing something to Sam hurts more…
“Why do you stay with her?”
I looked up to see my brother staring at me…
“you don’t even like that girl..you let her destroy yourself constantly…why..”
“I don’t want to talk about it Sid…” I said closing my eyes again. “whatever…” he said and left..
“Neil..you deserves better person than her…you need someone who will make you happy..she isn’t that person…” Arjun siad
I know they both are right but it was my punishment for hurting Sam..i have to go bear it…
I threw myself on Sam’s couch…
“It is not that simple, Arjun..”
“why not?” he said
Yes..why not..it was right question..but I didn’t know the answer..
“I don’t know….” I muttered
“Neil..you need some one who truly loves you and gives you unconditional love……see Me and Radhika..we don’t fight..we complement each other….that kind of relationship you need..”
“Thanks Arjun…but please I want to stay alone….”
He sighed and left from the garage…I stood and picked the books and put them on their place..
Staring at books, I could see her in my mind sitting here, her glasses on tip of her nose, her eyes moving across the pages…I looked at the couch…this was the few things I had with me..A couch and this books..and some pictures of Sam which i kept hidden from Manya..
Manya’s words rang in my mind..she was right..I couldn’t forget Sam..it was battle I lose everyday…even though she was far away, may be even hated me, I still felt her presence in my life and our friendship close to my heart..Sam you are always with me…
So how’s this?? Neil..paying for his deeds…..He is in pain. Unbearable one….i couldn’t see him like that..but it’s his punishment….