Hello Darlings!! How’s your Diwali celebration? I had fun….
Dedication to Gauri Darling for loving and supporting since you are on vaccations….
Chapter 10: Internal Battle
Though my world looks normal, but it was far from it. I was constantly feeling Sam was hiding something from me, which wasn’t her thing. Since before semester break, she was very quiet and engrossed in her thoughts always. I couldn’t understand it. She never holds on any stuff from me for long. We would always talk about everything, exception of my random list of hook ups. She knew about the list, but we never bring that topic in us. I don’t want her to know about few things.
I almost never saw her as our next semester starts, like she was hiding from me all the time. She never spent lunch with group in cafeteria anymore. She would hide herself in library or work for final project of our last year. So basically, I missed her. I couldn’t explain it, but it was like part of me had gone missing and that part was going to hurt until she came back into my personal orbit. Her eyes would shift to the ground or towards books whenever I passed her in college.
Finally, I decided talk to her by myself that I know I didn’t going to get any answer until I asked for it from her. I searched her all over the campus and found her siting and discussing something with Mira at garden area.
I headed towards her and as soon I reached to her I decided to make them aware of my presence.
“Hey, Sam, Can we talk for a minute? “ I asked and I met with Sam’s eyes with that. It was like that she was terrified seeing me there. But why?
She turned to Mira and she picked notes and left us alone. My eyes went back to Sam who watched Mira leave like trying to avoid our eye contact. She was afraid of something which making air around us thick and dense.
She wasn’t going to start so I decided to speak first to start our convo.
“Sam, what is going on with you? You have been acting weird and everyone is noticing it…Even Sid and Arjun shares the same difference in you..you haven’t acting like yourself”
I knew I have to look confused to get any answer from her. but she seems having battle with her mind so after a minute or two she opened her mouth.
“I’m fine..just busy and tensed about the final project” her voice was shaky and she turned her gaze towards book like trying to avoid the topic.
“it’s more than that Sam. TALK TO ME” I snatched her notes. Today I wanted to know it all.
“Neil, you can’t fix everything in my life.you know we all have things that bother us and we don’t want to talk about it.Remember I never asked you when it comes to the girls you screwing around. So please leave me alone…”
I stood froze there and I wanted nothing more than too yelled at her and tell her what exactly I was thinking. But I did opposite.
“That is a low blow…especially for you Sam…”
I threw notes paper on her face making them scattered everywhere and leave from there. I couldn’t believe that she said that to me. She never throws my personal life on my face but now she does. What the hell was going on with her?
I decided that I didn’t feel going back to class so I left. I decided to take back road to avoid traffic jams and headed towards the house. I past some secluded places that I would take girls that I liked to, but now seeing those spots making me even more furious and Sam’s words echoed in my mind.
Sam never did this kind of thing. She didn’t comment on other’s personal life ever. She wasn’t a typical gossipmonger. I know her. Something must be serious thing disturbing her to react like that.
When I finally got home, I slammed my car’s door and stormed into the house. I passed everyone in living room and headed up the stairs. I locked my room door and burst my room with loud music on my theater sound system. Then I threw myself on bed and crashed my face in pillow.
I wanted to push Sam’s words out of my mind, but they were hurting bad. If anyone would have said to me that I would have blown that person or even didn’t have paid any attention to them..but it’s came by Sam which cutting me deeply.
“what’s with this your tornado style entry, bro? ”
I hadn’t heard door open but there was my little sister standing putting her hands on her hips.
“Buzz off, Radhika..i don’t have time nor patience to deal with you right now….” I rolled back pillow.
She then held my hand and pulled me to the ground…I landed on ground in shock…from where she got this much strength to pull me….unbelievable girl….
“Radhika, leave me hell alone…..” I yelled
“ I will when you tell me what happened? Have you fought with Sam or something?”
“I don’t want to talk about her..So if you done with this interrogation..You can leave..…” I knew it wouldn’t matter. Radhika gonna stay there until and unless she found what she wanted to know.
“So by this response I guess it related to Sam…I wish you would have realized your love for her….”
“ I don’t love her like that Radhika….”
“Oh God…stop with that lie…you know you guys are more than best friends….i prayed that your tiny brain would realize it soon so that you won’t get too late for her…..”
Ohhh god!! She couldn’t get it…I care about Sam but not like that…She is my friend…. nothing more…she would never be my girlfriend, my lover….my lover? Oh stop it Neil…
“Chashni…..She is my friend just like you and her are friends..don’t push something which isn’t there….”
“poor….Neil…I hope someday soon you will realized the truth that lying deep inside in your heart which everyone can see except you……”
She turned and closed the door behind her and left me alone. I was getting same response from everyone around me.TOO Late? Huh…No way I wouldn’t be late cause I didn’t feel like that for her and I know she too didn’t feel for me.. A geek and a bad boy toghther? Not a good combo…Insanity of match making….
I rolled my eyes and pulled my pillow to me and in no time I dozed off.
After having good amount of peaceful sleep I woke up. I felt bit relaxed now though still Sam’s word were there in my mind. I got freshen up and went downstairs and saw Sid and Nandu staring into each other’s eyes. Intense eye lock ..HUhh? Love stuck puppies…..I rolled my eyes.
I grabbed coke bottle from fridge and went to my favorite place…My garage….
I played songs on my mobile and started examining my car. I worked like for hours.
As I was busy working on my car I found Sam standing at the door dressed in casual jeans and top with hoodie jacket.
She might not wear that s*xy dresses but she was real beauty and gonna make some guy very lucky someday to have her in his life.
“I’m sorry for being b*t*h earlier…” her voice was shaky…what could be bothering her so much…
“I just wish you would talk to me, Saminder singh….I’m worried about you….”
Her eyes shinned with something? What’s that…is she afraid to tell me something? But why?
“Neil, I need to talk to you about something…” her voice cracked. Now seriously she was making me scared..but I never show that on my face.
I walked over and place a stool in front of her and got sat down on it. I was so eager to hear from her. How I missed our talking.
“when I went for tournament, Mira told me Aarav likes me…and wants to date me”
I don’t know what to think about that. Aarav was bright student of our college..but he wasn’t her type. I felt my blood boiling in rage hearing that. Why I was getting angry about some other guy liking Sam? I looked at her sensed that something more she wanted to tell so I turned my thoughts to her.
“ I was little freaked out and started to over think about it…”
I couldn’t help but to laugh. “that’s isn’t anything new Sam…..”
She looked down and she was fidgeting with her hands. She was really nervous.
“ Neil…I thought that shouldn’t matter to me because I am….I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU….I LOVE YOU NEIL”
The words came out of her mouth and my mind turned upside down. She was in love with me…me….Neil…the playboy…..I don’t know what to think but I have to think fast as she was waiting for my answer.
The idea Sam actually loves me making me go insane. How a perfect girl like her could loves me? We were day and night stay with each other. She deserves a perfect guy better than me for her. she was too good for me. Then I remembered she was the person on whom I trusted more than my family and even more than Arjun who was one of my best buddy. I loved her, but I wasn’t in love with her. This is worst moment of my life.
I opened my mouth to say the toughest thing to say to her in my entire life…
“Sam..You know I love you….but I’m not in love with you….when I said you aren’t my type that means you are my friend. I couldn’t think of you anything else. You are sweet girl; guys like me hurt girls like you. I would never want to take a chance that I would hurt you and lose you. You are my best friend I could ask for, and please don’t be hurt by this. I never want you to hurt…..”
It was then I noticed tears forming in her pretty eyes and that’s made me shivered in fear. I wanted to pull her in my arms and comfort her. I wanted to make her feel safe from all the bad things. In that moment, I thought if I would have said only to comfort her that I love her.
“I have to go, Neil. Mom would have been waiting for me…” her voice cracked as she got from bench and turned and ran out of my garage.
As soon as she ran off, I too ran behind her. That’s when sky opened up and started raining fast.
“Sam..wait..don’t leave….” I yelled to stop her.
Before I actually could do anything she turned her scooty and ran away from me. As I watched her going away from me, I felt my legs went weak and I crashed on ground.
I sat there in the rainfall for a while. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t do anything. Whatever I said to her now hurting me badly like some glass piercing my skin.
Was I in love with Sam? The feeling was strange to me…I always thought of her as one of my guy friend..i couldn’t fall in love with her..It was like falling in love with Arjun for me….
It was then I noticed Radhika came there holding umbrella in her hand. She was worried about me.
“What’s wrong?” she asked in confusion and worry
“nothing..” I lied
“Are you going to spill the beans or I need to call Arjun to punch you….”
“Sam had come to meet me…” I spoke
Her eyes were started studying mine.
“Okay…what happened then?”
“ She told me something….”
Her eyes went wide in shock but why I sensing that she knew what I going to tell her.
“Radz…She told me she is in love with me….”
With that she wrapped her hand around me and squealed in happiness…
“wow…Neil…finally she confess. I thought she would take whole lifetime to speak that in front of you….She was hell afraid”
I pulled her away. “ You know this already? “
“I just got to know this today itself…why are you asking me like this…you should be happy…” she asked while smiling wide
“Radz,, I’m not in love with her….”
With that her sparkling eyes turned into fire shots
“ don’t tell me you said that to her….don’t tell me,you crushed her heart Neil…”
I looked at ground in defeat. I couldn’t bring my eyes back to her.
“ OH MY GOD!!!….NEIL WHAT HAVE YOU DONE….WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON YOUR FREAKING MIND……YOU ARE AN ABSOULTE JERK….”
I have never been at receiving end of Radhika .For her I was always her sweet and caring bro who fulfilled her every wish. But she didn’t know how much it hurting me to hurt Sam. She was the only girl I cared about and don’t want to hurt at any cost.
“ALRIGHT!!” I Scremed. Radhika stopped blabbering. “ I know I have hurt her badly…but will you for god sake leave me alone…Please…”
I walked to the garage and locked myself in leaving bewildered Radhika back there.
Up to the point, I thought of myself as somewhat good guy. I told always to other girl to whom with I hook ups that I want just for time pass with them. I was kinder to strangers but I hurt Sam. I would have handle it differently with nicer tone then maybe she wouldn’t get hurt.. Though I tried hard but I hurt her already.
I have to talk to her. I need to explain her. I couldn’t lose her. She was my back bone. She always says that she needed me more but it wasn’t true. I needed her more than anything. I had to fix it. I wanted my best friend back to me.
So how’s it?
These chapter is challenge in itself so I hope you guys enjoyed it..I was thinking deep for this chapter all the days. Comments from Satz and Jess makes helps me to write by Neil’s POV.
Please review and let me know what you think..So can your suggestions and support help me to write better always….
Love you All!!