After inhaling a long breath. I turned the first page.
I don’t know anything about writing… But I know no one is going to waste a single second in reading this diary.
No one is here to listen me… So I chose you, my diary. I’m sorry if you will find me irritating. But honestly, I don’t have any other option to speak my heart to anyone.
I found the first page so heart wrenching. But to my surprise next pages were all blank. But soon I got written something some pages after.
The pages seemed old. The ink was spread due to some watery drops. Is it tears? Well ignoring the diary’s condition, I proceeded.
“My Maa…” the impressive and interesting headline which seems number of hidden meanings, welcomed me.
I got a family, a big one. A lovely grand mother, a father, three brothers Ashwin Bhai and Sanjay Bhai, the parents are elder than mine… I mean Dhruv’s parent. Dhruv Bhai is my brother. I mean my Maa’s only son. And most precious is Maa… My Maa. She is my God and her lap is a heaven, I dream to reach. I got her after so many sufferings. But I’m an orphan for her yet. Yes I’m talking about my Vasu Maa.
I turned to the next page with a slight smile feeling on my cheeks. “A small innocent child trying to adopt the new family” my heart giggled. I proceeded for further.
After Dhruv’s 9th birthday night. Dhruv and I were fast asleep playing with his toys in my room. She came…. Yes she came!! I can’t express my happiness about that moment…. So pleasing it was!! Yet I was still acting to be slept as I knew her next action. She stepped towards Dhruv and blessed him with her Good Night kiss. I was excited about my turn. Although she was taking too much time but I kept acting.
“I didn’t knew he’s this much cute..” my heart smiled again.
Then he came. His voice shivered me like hell but my eagerness compelled me to control my shiver and I did, anyhow tightening my fist more and more.
I suddenly recalled yesterday… When he was drunk. “I don’t want to go to him” his drunk voice again pinned in my heart. I was hopefully waiting for the answers of my every question, of his every mystery.
He asked her about what’s she doing in this room as she never ever had stepped in. “I came for my son” her words were enough to fill my heart. I felt to hug her and never let her go. I felt to complain her everything, everything I suffered, everything I’m suffering, everything I faced, everything I’m facing, everything he did, everything he’s doing…. everything… Just everything like every child does to her mother, unless he’s a sin like me.
“How can I leave my child in this small room on this uncomfortable cot!!” Maa is worried about me!! Immense pleasure it was. After her precious words I felt to cry that no Maa.. . I just need you and your blessings… I can manage anywhere when you are with me. “So, I’m taking Dhruv from here. I can’t let him be alone with this orphan, who’s a murderer!!” she took Dhruv away carrying him in her arms.
“Bihaan…” my chest tightened after feeling that pain of hatred. I felt to console him. I felt to caress him. I felt to hug him. And most importantly, I felt to listen him. With my sad heart and much eagerness, I turned to next page.
She left and the lights switched off. My eyes couldn’t control itself now. My heart wanted to cry aloud. I still remained frozen unless he too left. But he didn’t. “You aren’t slept yet right!?” he hissed into my ears. I threw myself jerking away of him. I was afraid. I was scared. Scared of his smile, scared of his closeness, scared of his next action, scared of hating myself more, scared of consoling myself alone. But it was not worthy anymore. My wet pillow witnessed every haunted night. I remained silent. I was alone in the darkness.
I shut the diary as I can’t take it anymore. My cheeks were wet and my eyes, blurry. “Your heart is facing everybody’s ignorance till the age when a child needs his parents to play with them, to dictate stories to them, to teach them about life.” my heart cried. “But he’s a criminal and should be punished” my mind groaned.
I can’t understand about whom he always murmur? Who is “he”. Who scares him from his childhood. And what is he scared for!!
“Are you weeping for that murderer?” my mind taunted. “Do you think he can murder anyone?” my heart replied. “He was rude to you!! He made fun of you!! He called you a stammering girl!!” my mind defended itself. “But he helped you every time… And now.. He needs you!!” my heart was defensive towards Bihaan. I don’t know… I don’t know anything.
The diary landed on bed softly out of my lap, when I was busy with my thoughts. I realized something and grabbed the diary again. Some tored pages I found… Not so noticeable. I turned to the most middle page of the diary.
It seemed like heaven was angry, a stormy night, a heavy rain. The rain drops between few flickering street lights were seemed as needles piercing the chest of the earth. After the power cut, the cloud screamed to the core as, in a motive to swallow everything … In a motive to swallow me.
In the small house, a small boy, sitting on knees, crying, wet, shaking, sweating. Suddenly the cloud again roared and thunderstorm passed lightening the scenario. There seen the boy crying, violently shaking two bodies, a male and a female, to seek out some response. He was wet of blood flowing on the floor of the house. And was continuously trying to seek some response from the bodies. His eyes filled with tears and fear, his trembling hands trying to take stand on his thighs, he pinched his thighs tightly when he noticed his hands, red blo*dy hands.
About whom had he written? Any imaginary story or…? I turned to next page. It was again blank. But I was curious to read further. When again, I found a page.
“You murderer!!! You monster!! What have you done!!” A harsh scolding voice came from the main door.
I can’t control my curiosity now… I need to find the next page. I hurriedly started turning the pages. My sight was caught up on something written in a small fonts, unnoticeable.
That small boy is me.
That monster is me.
That murderer is me.
That sin is me.
These lines wrenched my heart in pain. I again turned to the last pages I just read. I observed the pages carefully. The ink at some points were spread cause of some water droplets….must be his tears. I caressed the old page again. I felt some pain.
I turned more pages when I found the last few pages written something.
And then I found him, this family, this house…. And all I have to do is to repent.
The diary is ended now but I can’t take my eyes off it. I again turned on the last pages when I found something written with a pinned pen. The writing covered number of pages… Showing hatred. The pen seemed being used as a knife to throw the frustration out.
I hate myself. I deserve to be used and punished. I hate me.
My tears fell on the word “hate” and the page turned wet within a moment, spreading the ink, even more.
Something peeped out of the diary. A folded paper it was. I can’t read it anymore, I’m feeling his pain, I’m feeling his cry. But grabbed to read it as my heart wanted to.
After today’s incident, I want to cry louder that yes I’m in love. But I fear. No one should know about HIM.
She’s so nice at heart, she never deserves me. Even I can’t expect her to be mine!! But I can’t bear if she too leaves me… No no no… I should be quiet.
My heartbeat fastened at every line. Whom is he talking about now? This paper even seemed fresh. Is this me?… What nonsense… I proceeded again with my blushing heart.
I met her today, for the first time we met. Her eyes were blinking so beautifully when she was scared of goons. She ran to me, to ask for help. When she slipped and I held her. My hands were around her waist and her dupatta on her face was the most beautiful thing I saw after the moon. A slight wind blew to blow the dupatta away of her face. Her rosy lips asking for help. Her worried gesture attracted me more. So we met like this….