The Last Note !!
Life doesn’t make sense any more.
Alia died exactly sixteen nights ago. Multiple organ failure, the doctors say. I spent three hours with the lifeless, pale body of Alia. She didn’t smile even once. Not even when I told her stories about Anushka and me. Maybe she knows Anushka is dead.
I can’t take Alia’s silence any more. I want her to talk and she will talk to me. I know a place where that will happen. Not only will she smile, but she will talk and laugh with me.
If there is one thing that Ranbir did right, it was to demonstrate how to nearly kill yourself. I am not taking any chances. Anushka and Ranbir had been taken to the hospital for they had overdosed on heroin. It didn’t kill them, but I had overheard the doctors talking about speedball : an injection of both cocaine and heroin, if taken in more than mild quantities means certain death.
A certain death — that is all that separates me from Alia … and Anushka. Just a few moments more of my pitiable existence.
I have pierced the sharp needle of the first injection through the vein on my upper arm. I already feel a little light-headed. I am already on my way. I can feel her around. Anushka. I have a habit of taking her name before I do anything.
People must think I am crazy, but people don’t mater to me. She was all that mattered to me. I woke up this morning and the path was clear to me. I stood in front of the mirror and saw a soul devoid of meaning.
The alcohol from last night was ruining my mind but I was thinking clearly. I took a few sips of the bitter-tasting whisky and it became even clearer. I had to die. I had to put an end to my life. I stare at the other injection as it invites me into a different world.
Ever since the day Karthik, Naksh, Keerti and Naira came to my doorstep with the news of her death, days have become unbearably long.
Her name no longer brings fond memories. Her violent death haunts me every day. The thought of her skin burning to charcoal, the images of her being torn apart and bruised by metal shrapnel, it kills me.
I am dying a slow death—every moment, every day—and I can’t take it anymore. For the last three months, all I have done is taken medicines and visited therapists and doctors, just to stop myself from imagining and reconstructing images of Anushka’s body being carried in a bloodied stretcher to the hospital.
The doctor pronouncing her dead. Images of the funeral of her mortal remains, her charred body, the hand I held, the face I loved to look at, mangled and burnt. That’s all I think about. The doctors, the hospitals, the funeral setting, the clothes her parents wear, everything changes in those scenes in my head but the end is always the same—Anushka dies.
She leaves everyone behind. I can feel the pain that she went through and I feel it every day. The medicines don’t help. I sit locked in my bedroom for days on end, and sedate myself with pills and alcohol. I wake up after days, only to find myself in pools of my own blood and bile. Nothing disgusts me more than my life itself.
Every day, I drown myself further into alcohol and multiple doses of anti-depressant pills. I wait to pass out and go to a world where there is no sorrow, where I can live a new life. One in which Anushka doesn’t die an ungracious, painful death and Alia gets to walk, smile and talk like there is no tomorrow I wish to be there. Forever.
And the injection in my hand will take me there. Far from here. Far from this diary which she held before dying, far from the heart-wrenching memories. I want to run away from all of it. Shut them out myself before they consume me. I have no reason to live now.
Alia was the only person that kept me together all these years. She knew she was my only family. Couldn’t she have waited till I weathered this storm ?!!
It’s the only option I have. I don’t want to be embarrassed about my existence. If I don’t kill myself now, the alcohol will, or I would go crazy. It would be a lonely and painful death. I don’t want to curse Anushka’s or Alia’s death for my woeful existence.
I will do everyone a favour if I kill myself. Soon, I will be asleep and never wake up. I am already a little drowsy. I already feel I am closer to her. The pain is dying out. It’s time for the second injection.
I don’t know what lies on the other side of death, but if there is a chance that I would meet her, then I am ready to take it. I know it’s stupid but this is the only way out.
My life has no meaning left. I should be dead.
I wish I could see her now.
Precap : The Mystery Unfolds !!
I know its not an ideal Chapter to be the 50th Chapter but then I didn’t want to forge the story line. So here is the 50th Chapter of this FF. Half century !!
Also I did a mistake some days ago. After this FF ends I would be writing “Together for a moment called Forever” and not “The heart that beats for you”. I had a goof up in the FF’s.
Do comment. Keep smiling. Keep watching Yrkkh !!