Finding my Angel: Episode 30 (Long Episode)
A/N: It has been ages my friends, and this episode would break many of you- because I am absolutely evil :)))))) Well, let us get started 😀
| Wedding day |
Suhani lays on her bed, with her diary on her chest, both lifelessly staring at the ceiling. Suhani already adorned an hour before the time she has to be in the mandaap, she is just taking the time to despair, the time to whimper, the time to regret.
Singular tears take the opportunity to stroll down her cheek, carrying parts of her smooth make-up.
She only wanted her father to be happy, selflessly throwing away her profound love for the person she has drawn fondly attracted to. She wanted to do something for someone else this time, as everything was for herself, everything was to make herself proud, it was to terminate the guilt that tarnished her innocence. It was for her mother, selfishly trying to live up to her expectations. To make herself forget her mother’s absence, however it was thrown back in her face, and has become a tornado on inevitability. No escape, she can’t run away now, her father, her family, Rohan, and most importantly Yuvraaj would be disembowelled by this escape; it would to lead to a turmoil of hate. She wasn’t rebellious enough to save her own happiness, risking her ties with everyone else.
She didn’t want to end up hated, now her hamartia is slowly taking over.
She didn’t understand the mess she was slowly strolling in, she didn’t understand marriage isn’t child’s play, but she wanted to do this for the sanity of other, and that was her fatal flaw. Others- society.
Salty residue nonchalantly slides down her tear-stained face, apologies and compunction written all over her dysfunctional soul. Letting her absorb the many mixed emotions of the world that she was oblivious to, she took this responsibility blindly, and is now is trouble and now finally understands.
Her thoughts broken by the sudden knocking, making her jolt upwards dabbing the wetness off her face and run to the mirror.
“Come in” Her voice hoarse and she tries to let out a happy shout.
The door creaking open showing Bhavna who beamed at her through the mirror reflection, to which Suhani replied with a weak broken smile.
“Suhani, you look gorgeous, I can’t believe it’s you who is getting married, before me as well!?” She giggles to her sister, Suhani just keeps her façade, “Yes Bhavna Di, I can’t believe it wither, I don’t think I want to!” She tries to joke, and surprising Bhavna doesn’t see through this fake face, has she really become that distant?
“Oh Suhani, did you wash your face? Your make up is streaky! Let me sort it out as you only have half an hour left before your seven rounds!” Her words coming out like shrieks of excitement to her little sister, slowly murdering her ears. This was not she wanted.
As Suhani closes her eyes she feels brushes tickle her skin, whispering for her to run, but her morality strong, causing her to stay put.
Cheers flooding the room, as they walk around the fire the final time. Suhani’s eyes threatening to spill the water gathered up, but she isn’t alone, everyone was watching her- expecting her beautiful, whole-hearted smile that she can’t muster up.
The cheers get louder, making her ears bleed, her fists clench and unclench and she continuous to bite her lip.
| Suhani’s PoV |
“MY DI IS FINALLY A WIFE!”
“THAT IS MY BEST FRIEND! I AM PROUD!”
“MY FAVOURITE SINGER!”
But I couldn’t her him, I couldn’t her them…
Him being Yuvraaj, them being the tigers… The exponential happiness of the others is overpowering my own happiness, my non-existent happiness.
I felt the moment my heart stopped still in its tracks. That everything ended, when I was engulfed into Rohan’s arms. This was exactly what I didn’t want. I feel the eyes of the close ones bore into my skull, completely rejecting my every action I know what I am doing is wrong for me, but I cannot deal with the unhappiness of my father. This is all for him I repeat.
These were words are echoing in my morbid mind, I feel each sound rupture and destroy through me like a natural disaster on a destitute country. My delicate composure slowly falling apart at his touch, I can’t think I can live with this electrocuting touch for the rest of my life. I will end up a corpse.
Yuvraaj’s touch was different it was comforting, he erased any pain that I had laying in my poor soul, he diminished any pain I had suffered during the time I known him. It was his infinite love and support that stopped me from putting a knife to mu chest, it was his who stopped and gave me the pleasure and the attention I needed to keep me sane. It was your melting touch, your deep hazel eyes that I always wanted to swim in. It was your mesmerising smile highlighting your chiselled jawline, defining your beautiful structured face. I clearly remember how you used to be unfazed by music, but now I have changed you and made sure that music is our escape from this convoluted world.
You are perfect to me Yuvraaj, interior and exterior, from your lively heart to your defined muscles and your clothing sense. I love it all, I am enamoured with you Yuvraaj, you have cast a spell that I can’t break. I can’t pull out a single fault on you, you are just perfection in my eyes, as they say ‘beauty is in the eyes of the beholder’, and you are the beauty and I am the beholder. I feel like a murderer destroying the newly found love I have seem to have grown. I have thrown it away, drowned in the deepest depths of the ocean, leaving it to sink to the bottom of the unknown world. I am a murderer, to myself Yuvraaj, and I don’t know if you feel the same emotion as me, well I highly doubt it as you would’ve stopped my marriage by now…
And now, the tigers, the ones who know my profound love for the weird man. The weird broken man. I know how they were all fans before, now all of them being my best friends, but now I feel I am snapping each one of their ties as they always wanted me and mere sadu kumar to be together, we were a ‘match made in heaven’ stated Radha, and we were ‘inseparable’ cooed Shreya, we were all a ‘family’ Rusky and Napsha continuously repeated. I also picture how Shilpa and Nithu always used to plot to make sure me and Yuvraaj end up together…
“Suhani, you can let go now” Broken from my trail of thoughts by Rohan ji’s voice… What a way to ruin amazing memories as I realise I am still in his arms, clutching tight. I immediately let go and step back looking at his clothes to notice a little wet patch- oh god was I crying?
I immediately look to the ground, full of shame to face to lock eyes with anyone. I quickly dab underneath my eyes before looking up at the light then refocusing my gaze on the many eyes holding cheekiness. I am embarrassed to slur anything, I am even more ashamed to even look at Yuvraaj, who is standing at the back of the hall with the tigers, all of them having frowns upon their faces. The walls I have been trying to build over the time I accepted this alliance has immediately been destructed, torn apart by the disappointment in my closest friends faces.
Only now I dare to look into Yuvraaj’s eyes and see his eyes glassy, his body slowly shaking, his hair ruffled and our eyes lock. The worst mistake I could’ve made. I feel each of my heartstrings snap, one by one. Painfully terminating.
By a single glance, I can feel the telepathy of our emotions, our hearts simultaneously falling onto the cold hard floor in slow motion then smashing into millions of pieces like an antique China cup. Tedious, yet excruciating -oh-so-excruciating.
Before I could break any further I get engulfed in a hug, one by my sister…
| Yuvraaj’s PoV: |
You were my one, Suhani, mine and mine only. I can’t get my mind over the fact that you are now under someone else’s clasp, especially his. You were a glimpse of light in the dark tunnel I was facing, you were the north star in the lonely blanket- we all know as a sky. You were my angel. The Angel I was always looking for, the one that fell from heaven to look out and guide me. The broken angel that I was supposed to support and help through the maze she was stuck in to travel back to heaven. Suhani, a melody to my ears, her voice and her name.
Suhani, your beauty is the one I always over-indulge myself with, but I still can’t get enough, from your innocence and selflessness, you are my definition of perfect and no-one can compare to you. Suhani, I want you to live contently, I always wanted it to be with me, but clearly the legal ties and my dark fate says otherwise. Even though I do not believe in fate, destiny or even in a figure you call God, I want you, I want to pray to the person who made my life better, the person who is real the person I know I can trust my secrets with, the person I can trust every inch of my soul with. And that is with you Suhani. I believe you are some Goddess as well as some angel, you are just ominous, you are the fire to my candle, dancing with beauty to your own rhythm, and I admire that Suhani. You are the powerful, the merciful. You are everything that is ever needed in life, and I lost it.
You were sand, the sand slipping through my fingertips. I was foolish for not fighting for you and left you go.
I should’ve admitted my feelings sooner, as it is too late now. I cannot do anything to change any future that we have now.
You were the Ying to my Yang, you were the God of Love and I was the God ogfWar, Love always calming the War and you did exactly that. I cannot be forever grateful, I should’ve been yours to pay for that debt I owe.
You evacuated me from the storm raging inside me, the tornado I had as a heart, you helped me escaped then single-handedly tamed the destructive disaster with your hypnotising actions, innocent, yet effective.
I apologise for everything as now I have left myself vulnerable again.
My soul conclusively crumbling. My morality clouded by the captivating dark thoughts of inevitability. My heart just pulsating, forcing the useless crimson viscosity to flow through my intertwined veins; all this to keep me alive.
My eyes weary and in discomfort and sore, my hair tousled (lying in a nest on my head)-ultimately I am broken.
Vulnerable is exactly what I am now and I know I can’t do anything-it is too late.
I am stupid for not doing anything earlier.
I am absolutely stupid.
It was only know I got to drink the beauty of your eyes for the last time today… Maybe even forever, but in my head it ouldn’t be forever as you are engraved in my heart you are the other half of me now Suhani, we are married without the papers as I believe our souls are dancing in the sky without the papers. They are happily living together watching over us, praying with their hopeless optimism, as we were meant to be together in my eyes.
The broken ‘Sadu Kumar’ fell for the queen, fell for the angel, fell for the goddess, and fell in deep. I have sunk into each intricate detail about you. I cannot escape from the hole I have dug myself in Suhani…
I couldn’t help falling in love for the selfless being who couldn’t recognise her beauty, recognise how much she impacted on everyone around her, the girl who was oblivious to the admiration other people have for her as she treats everyone equally like they are the same level as her.
I love you Suhani, no wait…
I am in love with you…
| Narrator |
After taking his dose of her eyes he walked out the hall to break, to shatter, and to release. Who knew how long they would be separated for? Would they be together in this life or is there a space waiting for them in the heavens… He thought her name was scribbed in his soul and they were meant to be, but their paths have just crossed, like two perpendicular lines that would never meet again…
He only hoped his love story would be fortunate as he realises the stingly salty residue from his eyes as he feels a hand on his shoulder. This caused his to whip his head back to notice he wasn’t the only broken one…
The tigers red-eyed as they bring Yuvraaj in a group hug, the warm evaporating the pain momentarily before the sorrow engulfed them as they were left to wallow in peace…
Suhani never realised that her action to be ‘selfless’ affected much more people than she expected…
AN UPDATE FOR THIS FF X
HOPE YOU ENJOYED BEAUTIFUL HUMANS X
I don’t think I would be able to write for the next two weeks as I have loads of exams x So please do take care x
Love Aqsaah x
Don’t forget to comment and support me as I took time from my busy schedule to write this x